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Original poster

Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

228 replies

ComingUpTrumps · 03/06/2017 23:27

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:04

she assumed that she would pick on the day and would speak the restaurant herself at the time, thereby avoid any stress at all for the OP. once she realised the OP was wanting choices in advance she asked, not unreasonably if there was a menu. neither of those things is deliberately being awkward. it was a misunderstanding, followed by a valid question.
OP is stressed about the organisation, thats shit for the OP, of course, but thats not this woman's fault.

unicornlovermother · 04/06/2017 02:05

Many people are affected by food intolerances and they need to avoid certain foods or they get sick. You are too focused on your irritation with her to see she is just asking a question- so answer it as best as you can.
People who are intolerant of people's food intolerances are not so much unreasonable as lacking empathy and rather self absorbed in my view.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:05

Pyongyang you are exactly spot on with this.

But it has become a huge issue to the OP and it could have been avoided by the guest contacting her as soon as the menus went out.

Also, my cousin's DW has to have a gluten free diet due to a genuine gluten intolerance, and is diabetic. My (immediate) family and I first met his DW at their wedding. We only found out about her diabetes and gluten intolerance from another close family member months after the wedding. The DW and my cousin didn't mention it once.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:05

you don't need to do anything else OP. you've told her to speak to the restaurant, and she can deal with them.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:06

Shaking I've paid £30 for a cake that the guest can't eat because of her gluten intolerance. I'm asking now how I can get around this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:06

(Please).

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:06

Also, my cousin's DW has to have a gluten free diet due to a genuine gluten intolerance, and is diabetic. My (immediate) family and I first met his DW at their wedding. We only found out about her diabetes and gluten intolerance from another close family member months after the wedding. The DW and my cousin didn't mention it once

...............and this has what to do with your OP??

GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:07

has the cake already been made OP? if not, speak to the cake maker and ask if they can use gluten free flour. if it has, get a gf/df cupcake.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:08

That some people with genuine food intolerances don't necessarily have to use them against people. Which is what this guest is doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:08

Great I don't know if it has been made. I can't contact the cake making place until Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:09

I'm actually telly pissed off that the guest didn't tell me sooner. Which she should've done. It's common bloody courtesy surely. I've worked my socks off for this hen weekend.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:09

what are you talking about? how is she 'using it against you'?? she just asked a question!

She didn't mention it when the menus went out because you said yourself, she was going to sort it with the restaurant on the day.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 02:10

ShakingAndShocked this is not about someone having dietary needs, it is about someone not telling the OP until the last minute.

ComingUpTrumps "I've spoken to the bride about it ... the guest apparently is 'on and off' with gluten and dairy intolerances. Okay. ...What does everyone suggest that i do now please?"

Do as you would if she was 100% Gluten or dairy intolerant. Ask her to speak to the restaurant direct, this is not your responsibility. Ask her to tell you her final choice of meal as soon as she has decided/24 hours time or whatever.... if she does not then just say to restaurant "One guest is gluten and dairy intolerant (or the exact wording the other woman gave you, whatever it is), and say "She will be contacting you separately."

This is a restaurant, this is their job, they deal with this all the time.

Let the woman and the restaurant sort this one out. Don't change the cake. Tell the woman that the cake is already ordered and she will need to choose a suitable dessert (and pay for it) from the restaurant if she wants one. Do not change the cake. Just tell her it is not gluten free.

Thanks
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:11

Yes but if she has a very serious food intolerance, what if she got to the restaurant on the day and actually couldn't eat a bloody thing?!!??

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:12

Thanks so much Italian. I'm so sorry - my last post was directed at Great.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:15

then she would do what many many people with intolerances do, and just not eat anything. if shes df/gf its not likely there will be nothing she can eat at all though. I have a friend who can't eat loads of things and shes a dab hand at finding something she can have in most places.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 04/06/2017 02:18

Your message was fine. If she has a newly diagnosed food intolerance it is much better that she talk to the restaurant directly. I would imagine it to be very stressful in the early days working out what she can and can't handle and she'd feel a lot more comfortable talking to them herself, rather than going through at least two people to get the food she wants and can eat The chef may be willing to make special exceptions for her and that is more likely if he/she talks to her in person so feels a vested interest in her.

If you are stuck in the middle she's still going to worry, you're going to be over stressed, and there will be a bunch of messages going between you, her, and the restaurant which will take up their time and piss them off. Far more efficient for her to talk to them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/06/2017 02:20

Do nothing about the cake.

a) because its too late and that is fault of the guestzilla and b) because if she is on and off with the gluten/dairy thing, there is a very good chance she will eat it anyway.

Its clear that it is a preference and not a genuine medical need based on what the bride said, so dont give it another thought. If it was a real medical problem then I would say that you could see if the baker could make a small desert in the same style that she could eat, but it isnt, so dont.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 02:20

ComingUpTrumps "Shaking I've paid £30 for a cake that the guest can't eat because of her gluten intolerance. I'm asking now how I can get around this?" You do not need to do anything, just tell her that because you did not know about her gluten intolerance then you could not include it in the cake order.

You need to stop worrying about this now. You've told her to speak to the restaurant and the cake is out of your hands. Get some rest. All be over soon. Smile

GreatFuckability I think there may be more going on here in terms of the OP being really stressed about all this.

OP maybe this woman did not realise there would be a cake, or didn't put two and two together. Maybe there is more going on here and that's adding to your stress.

Try not to worry.

GreatFuckability · 04/06/2017 02:23

yes, i see that the OP is very stressed. I just don't think that is this woman's fault. assuming someones dietary requirement isn't real isn't very fair. I think the OP is taking this personally when it isn't.
you've done what you can OP. don't worry about it anymore.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 02:24

ComingUpTrumps "Yes but if she has a very serious food intolerance, what if she got to the restaurant on the day and actually couldn't eat a bloody thing?!!??" I have told you that we do catering at my work, we have a very limited selection. It is still possible for the restaurant to produce food for people if they know what to avoid.

This is no longer your issue so let it go.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:29

We were planning takeaway pizza one night. Guest was aware of this. Do I ask her to bring her own food?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/06/2017 02:30

I wouldnt worry. She will probably be "off" that night.

ShakingAndShocked · 04/06/2017 02:31

Trust me, you do not need to fret simply as she can't partake of the cake! She is - or she soon will be - very used to that!

As for cousins DW and their wedding, you'd have heard no mention of it as it was likely they chose a menu for all that simply did not have gluten in it so de facto was safe (or she simply had a GF option); either way it has nada to do with thread and nor does it invalidate genuine needs.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 02:32

I've drafted so far:

'On X evening, the plan is to order pizza. This was mentioned several times in emails that I sent to everyone over the last few weeks. As you're gluten free, I'm assuming that you will not be able to have the pizza.'

How can i ask her about alternative arrangements please?

It's all just a big bloody clusterfuck.

OP posts:
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