Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

[ComingUpTrumps]

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

Pizza Express and Prezzo both do GF pizza inc. for take out.

She's not using it 'against you'! And who are you to say whose food intolerance is or isn't genuine.
Stop being a martyr and really quite nasty. She didn't ask you for cake. As I often do, gluten intolerant which is genuine thanks, she probably just won't have any. It's not actually obvious from the brief menu description whether a dish contains gluten, I've been caught out by flour in sauces etc before which by the way means agonising stomach cramps, being unable to be far from a toilet, nausea, fatigue and joint pain that made me - only late 30s - barely able to walk 15min to the shops today because some twats thought I was just being trendy and a little bit of gluten wouldn't hurt
All she did was ask you. You're organising an event, presumably not with a gun held to your head, ok telling her politely to ask the restaurant direct and here are the contact details wasn't unreasonable but you're bu bitching about her on here. Get some empathy.
Ps I'd have eaten pasta and bread the day before I realised I should try going gluten-free, I'd been putting up with symptoms that have now gone but you don't realise what you've been dealing with with chronic illness.
Give your head a wobble FGS.

if she's aware you are gettting take away she cant eat, she will sort herself out. you need to stop stressing about this!

Thanks Shaking :) unfortunately, neither place delivers to where we'll be staying.

This is my draft message to her so far - I'm sorry it's a rubbish draft. Is it fair or arse? Any alterations or suggestions about redrafting would of course be absolutely more than welcome:-

I've phoned the restaurant, and I'm waiting to hear back from them about whether they've got a gluten-free and dairy-free menu. I'll let you know as soon as I hear back from them.

On X evening, the plan is to order pizza (or something similar) into the hotel. This was mentioned several times in emails that I sent to everyone over the last few weeks. As you're gluten free, I'm assuming that you will not be able to have the pizza. Do let me know how you would like to proceed.

I'm also planning something on the weekend so that everyone can celebrate with Tan. Unfortunately, this will not be gluten-free, I ordered this last week before finding out about your dietary requirements. I hope this is understandable.

Broken she eats gluten on and off

In the nicest possible way, it does now sound as if you are looking for issues to stress about!

Chill, and try not to let your cumulative stress get inadvertently targeted at one poor sod is my best advice (& - lots and lots of )

Fuck off tbh all of you saying aw gluten-free is trendy, she'll eat it anyway, she's on and off. Just intolerance, it's fashionable, unless she has a diagnosis who gaf. I tried to eat gluten again to get a diagnosis but couldn't cope bc actually I have a life, and agonising stomach cramps and inability to be far from a toilet prevented me doing anything.
Yeah. I was made to feel like that. Aw broken a taste of cake won't hurt. Cue me crying with stomach pain.
I

that bit about the emails is arsey. very arsey. all you need to say (if anything) is 'just checking you remember we are ordering in pizza on x night because obvs thats going to have gluten in?' and see what she says. you do not need to micro manage every aspect of her diet.

Don't worry about the cake. Just explain to her it's too late to change it and you've paid £30. I personally would offer to buy a second, smaller one from one of the supermarket chains just for her and ask what she would like but I can see you're stressed and might be too busy.

I'm not an expert but on the half a dozen occasions I've had gf cakes only one was really nice. I don't know why but gf flour just isn't that nice. If you'd known sooner you might have had time to have sourced a nice cake but while it's lovely you're trying to make this guest happy you wouldn't want to lose £30 or make a hasty decision about a gf cake that leaves you with a cake that 14 others don't like.

(Overuse of word nice. Sorry.)

I know you're stressed but maybe this lady has only just received test results for her intolerances or was too embarrassed to say before.

X-post.

Seriously, WTF are you doing drafting e-mails about you contacting restaurant when that's already sorted?

I'm out.

Broken there IS a difference between eating something 'on and off' and having a genuine intolerance. I'm sure you can appreciate that.

Because I'm stressing about it Shaking obviously

Oh my fucking god! I've just realised you're talking about Tania's wedding aren't you??!

A full copy/paste is never a good idea without sense-checking it first

Er what Shaking?

Thanks for the support Shaking

Right everyone. Thanks again for your help.

lots of people with genuine food intolerance issues can eat small amounts of foods sometimes. and other times not. often the issue is not as cut and dried as you think.

you're making this into a huge deal when it really isn't.

WHo the fuck is Tania anyway?

Well this guest is being so fucking entitled about it all. I'm fucking fuming.

Cominguptrumps
I would add a "need response by xxx" to your message. It is much better to set that in stone then she knows she needs to sort it out by then and you don't have to chase her

I think asking her what to do is the best idea but you could phrase it in a different way so it's her that will take action. I know you're pissed off but I think the way you've written your messages will create a falling out, and you've got to spend the weekend together.

What about saying - we're planning takeaway pizzas for X night. What would be best for you this evening? Could you bring a df gf pizza or alternative with you?
I've ordered a vegan cake as a surprise, but that was before I knew about your requirements. Could you bring yourself a treat to have?

Or if you're getting shopping in, ask her to specify exactly what she wants. I'm sure there's a way to get her to solve this problem without extra work for you or falling out!

"We were planning takeaway pizza one night."

ShakingAndShocked "Pizza Express and Prezzo both do GF pizza inc. for take out."

Excellent. It really seems a lot easier than it was a few years ago.

OP, Just email her the name of the pizza place and ask her to check out if they have what she needs or if she will bring something along.

Broken11Girl rather a rude response! It's not the OP's fault anyone has food intolerances. This is not about you personally or anyone who is intolerant. The OP has been told by the bride this guest is 'off and on.' I don't think people think this applies to most who say intollerant.

GreatFuckability good advice "... you need to stop stressing about this!"

Comingptrumps It's fine to ignore us but pages of people have said get her to speak to the restaurant direct. And now you have "I've phoned the restaurant, and I'm waiting to hear back from them about whether they've got a gluten-free and dairy-free menu. I'll let you know as soon as I hear back from them."

You do not need to do this. She can speak to them direct.

Re "On X evening.... Do let me know how you would like to proceed."

I'd just say

"As mentioned by email a while ago, on X evening the plan is to order pizza to the hotel. As they do not do gluten free, I'm assuming that you will bring something with you that you can eat."

"I'm also planning something.... I hope this is understandable."

Just say

"I've ordered a cake (it's top secret, if it is) and, unfortunately, as I did not realise you were gluten intolerant the cake isn't gluten-free. I hope this is understandable. You can speak to the restaurant about what gluten and dairy-free desserts they serve."

I must go to bed now. I hope this is all going to work out and as I have said a lot, will soon be over. Please now stop over thinking this.

Coming, and this is why so many of us with intolerances or allergies are so leery of saying anything. Because we get accused of 'being entitled', 'a pain in the arse', 'a snowflake' or worse yet, that our host is 'fuming' about us. It's humiliating and embarrassing. It's why we'll insist we 'aren't really hungry' when we are starving rather than admit there's either nothing we can eat or nothing that we like that's OK. People who make a huge deal out of things are our worst nightmare. Please don't become 'that person'.

You need to ramp it down. You're focusing on her to vent your frustrations at being left on your own to organize this party. That's not fair on this one guest. Sure, maybe she should have spoken up sooner, but she probably thought she had it all handled until she had to pre-order her meal. None of us is perfect, are we? So she made a mistake. Be the bigger person and let it go.

You've pointed her in the direction of the restaurant. Let that go now.

The cake has been preordered. If she's truly gluten intolerant she's used to not being able to eat cake at parties. If she's not used to it, she will be soon. Let that go.

There is no GF pizza. You've let her know that. It's now up to her to figure out what she's going to do. Let that go.

AcrossthePond55 "Be the bigger person and let it go. " "Let that go."

So right.

Good points, OP please chill.

Night, night.