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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

228 replies

ComingUpTrumps · 03/06/2017 23:27

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/06/2017 00:30

This issue is, as always, nothing to do with food intolerances but with speshul snowflakes.

Now she might have intolerances or it might be a fad diet, who knows? But the fact that she is asking for a seperate menu suggests that she wants her food issues to be known and talked about and made a big thing of. When I was organising my wedding I had 2 guest with major issues, properly big could end up in hospital issues. One was really quite embarrassed at the effort i was going to to make sure they could have a decent meal and offered to bring their own to avoid any trouble for me, the other one picked the whole meal apart raising issues with parts of the meal that had no relevance to her allergies at all, by her own admission. And then she didnt fucking come, even after making the whole sodding meal about her.

I suspect that with this person if it wasnt food it would be something else.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2017 00:32

You know the other two who were supposed to be organising with you, well I think you should hand over to them on Friday night. Brief them about all the plans and activities, give them copies of bookings and details of venues, and then make it clear that this is now their show and they are on deck for the weekend. Then you sit back and relax while they take the lead. It's the least they can do for ditching you with all the organising (even though they did have valid reasons).

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2017 00:34

Sorry I know it's not really the done thing to reference other threads but I am really quite Angry on your behalf!

RhythmAndStealth · 04/06/2017 00:35

My local food bank regularly mentions the need for donations that are gluten and/or dairy free, especially dairy free baby food Titania.

Louiselouie0890 · 04/06/2017 00:36

How odd

RhythmAndStealth · 04/06/2017 00:37

Maybe she doesn't like you Pyongyang. Can't imagine why.

ANiceSliceOfCake · 04/06/2017 00:38

I'll tell my 2 year old he's a 'special snowflake' then and just let him eat peanuts and ring his own ambulance. Goodness me. Some people really don't get it. Yes people attention seek, but most are just worried and anxious and are trying to deal with things the best they can.

SweetLuck · 04/06/2017 00:39

Is this the hen do with eleventy billion activities crammed into 2 days in Oxford? You are in danger of massively martyring yourself here OP. You had loads of advice to scale things back and keep it manageable on the other thread, but clearly if you're ordering off-piste extra cake you're not doing that. I know you want it all to be great for everybody else, but if you end up so stressed that you cause an atmosphere then nobody will thank you and you'll be in danger of having a meltdown about it all.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 00:39

ComingUpTrumps "Oh fuck. I've messed up haven't I." Why?

ANiceSliceOfCake "but your attitude to someone's food intolerances stinks. Imagine for a second how it may feel for her? All she did was ask." Why?

The OP said "I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available."

" *Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu..."

"... just messaged me tonight..."

I think the OP is right to be a bit miffed if the request is coming in now, she may have only asked but could have asked a couple of weeks ago.

It must be horrible having dietary issues. But that isn't the OP's fault.

It's always better to speak to restaurant direct. I once ordered a gluten free meal in a Thai place and said you know what I mean, he said yes, no nuts!

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:40

How odd

What do you mean Louise? What's odd?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2017 00:43

"Thenceforth I'll assume you're dealing with them directly. Thanks.'"

Thenceforth??? Are you sending your email from the 19th Century???

LauderSyme · 04/06/2017 00:44

ComingUp It's ok, really, you don't need to prostrate yourself in apology, you really haven't fucked up. NiceSlice is understandably sensitive about this issue but you really haven't said anything bad or unkind. Thinking about how other people may feel is good advice for all of us!

I am sorry it's been such hell to organise and has stressed you out so much. I do hope the bride and guests appreciate your hard work and hope you all enjoy a wonderful 'do'.

BeeThirtythree · 04/06/2017 00:44

You did mention you are annoyed at this woman for other reasons, I think that combined with this 'new' food intolerance and booking everything at last minute, you are allowed to be a bit assertive.
You know this friend of a friend and if her behaviour has been enough to annoy you then being polite but firm is best response.
You don't do this organising everyday so learning as you go!

Good luck with it all and hope family member appreciates your standing in at last minute! Flowers

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:46

Italian thank you thank you thank you for your support and understanding FlowersFlowers

You're exactly right - you've hit the nail on the head. I was frustrated that she only contacted me tonight.

The guest has now said to me that she didn't think to tell me earlier about being intolerant to gluten and dairy because she thought that we would all be choosing our meals at the restaurant on the day. (Of course I absolutely didn't mention this to her) my feeling is that surely, it would have been even more difficult for her if she'd been left to pick things on the day? Because, in that situation, no matter what, she would've had to have eaten what was on the menu? (Do you all agree? Or am I reading this wrongly?)

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:46

Thank you Bee Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:47

And thank you Lauder Flowers

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 04/06/2017 00:48

That would have been easier for her, as she wouldn't have had to involve a third party intermediary in discussing her intolerances,

AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2017 00:49

Being newly diagnosed with Coeliac (or any food allergy or intolerance) is a frightening and upsetting thing. Your whole world is turned upside down and something that you used to take for granted is now a field of land mines. If you think about it, 99% of our social occasions are centered around food and eating. And now, you are faced with most likely not being able to be part of it. Of sitting around with a cup of coffee or glass of wine and no food whilst everyone around you is talking about how delicious everything is and how sorry they are for you, and making 'sad' noises at you or saying "Can't you just have a taste?". Or feeling bad because you pushed for a place you can eat safely and someone has 'made a face' or a comment about it. Until you've been there, you have no idea how much it hurts and how 'separate' it can make you feel. I thank God for my family and friends who have been so accommodating to me. My son and DiL even ordered a GF cake for their wedding reception so I wouldn't feel left out.

Perhaps your friend is equating a 'separate menu' with 'safe' ingredients and food prep techniques. It's not always so and frankly your suggestion that she contact the restaurant directly was the smartest one. Not just to find out if they offer GF/DF options, but to be sure that they prepare the food correctly.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 00:49

ComingUpTrumps "Yes Hearts it's been tricky. There's no one I can talk to about it in real life, as everyone wants to keep it a secret from the bride. I feel like crying." I thought I recognised the details!

I am sorry this is all so hard. It will be over soon, and next time you are asked to organise something, decline, it is the easiest way. Organising big events really is not for everyone.

"I'm really struggling. It sounds so fucking self-indulgent to say it's bringing me down, but it is." it's very easy to be brought down by difficult things.

Please ignore the unpleasant comments on here.

Please do not make any more work for yourself. The cake doesn't need to suit everyone, especially when one person has only just told you.

"I didn't feel that I could say no to organising it without hurting the bride's feelings." I know, I understand but next time, just say no, it's easier in the long run. I organised my own hen do, if I remember rightly. Really no one should be forced to organise this type of thing.

Slice of glutenfree cake, " It's all gravy (of the gluten free kind) see what I did there" indeed! Wink

Just as an aside we had a young guest today who is dairy free which is why I know the Rocky Road went down so well! I got diary free dessert, cake and buttons. The first two just for him, the third for anyone. He was mega sweet and got to take all the left over Rocky Roads home.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:50

Yes but if the restaurant didn't have a GF/DF menu, she would've been a bit stuck though.

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 04/06/2017 00:51

OP - just tell the bride. It's her hen do, her friends. Pass this woman o et to the restaurant then ring the bride and say you can't do anymore. The bride surely doesn't want you to be this stressed over her hen do which you are a guest at.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:51

Boy the bride knows already.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2017 00:55

my feeling is that surely, it would have been even more difficult for her if she'd been left to pick things on the day? Because, in that situation, no matter what, she would've had to have eaten what was on the menu?

Or she would have spoken to the chef or staff directly to see if she could have been accommodated. If not, she would have sat there with the aforementioned cup of coffee or glass of wine while everyone else ate.

She can't 'just eat what was on the menu' as it would make her very, very ill.

EeekWhat · 04/06/2017 00:58

Your text back to her was absoluately fine. It's much easier for her to contact them directly.

You had already given her a couple of options so I think if she wants more then she can sort it out herself. It's not a problem.

I would also go with the cake you have. I think I'd elk her you have the cake and ask her what she would like instead. It would be pointless getting her something special just to find out she doesn't like it.

BTW what did you finally decide to do for the trip. Did you manage to scale it back. I actually drove past the hotel the other day on my way into Oxford. It's a way out.......

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:58

Across if the kitchen couldn't accommodate her on the day, she couldn't have eaten from the menu.

OP posts: