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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

228 replies

ComingUpTrumps · 03/06/2017 23:27

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

OP posts:
WarriorsDance · 04/06/2017 00:03

Just contact the restaurant with the various requirements.

The chef should be able to do the rest and, if not, then he needs to up his professional game.

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/06/2017 00:04

niceslice would you not want to liaise with the venue yourself though? I certainly would!

WarriorsDance · 04/06/2017 00:04

Get her a dairy free, gluten free cupcake so she doesn't feel left out.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:04

Davies please could you be a bit nicer and more understanding? I'm having a very, very hard time.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 04/06/2017 00:05

Restaurants are obliged by law I think to have gluten free foods, unsure about dairy free.

I'd ask her to contact the restaurant herself re separate menu personally!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2017 00:06

This fecking hen do is going to be the death of you OP!!!

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/06/2017 00:07

Re the cake... Has it been made already?! If not then gluten free flour is easily available so they could just substitute?
My boy is 6 and able to be very gracious when the cake is not safe for him, but he does thank hosts profusely when they do make a safe cake! So any adult should be understanding that it might not be possible!

I generally bake a safe cake for my son and take it with us so he doesn't miss out.

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/06/2017 00:08

trumps you are doing fine, people should be understanding of your efforts and take their own initiative to deal with the venue!

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:09

Yes Hearts it's been tricky. There's no one I can talk to about it in real life, as everyone wants to keep it a secret from the bride. I feel like crying. It's been really stressful. And I just feel really down. I'm really struggling. It sounds so fucking self-indulgent to say it's bringing me down, but it is. It's been so hard. I didn't feel that I could say no to organising it without hurting the bride's feelings.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2017 00:11

Just because she could eat those things a few months ago, does not mean she can now. My fiend who has Coeliacs disease told me she was eating wheat and dairy a few days be before diagnosis, and she was so ill she Gould bearly move.

ANiceSliceOfCake · 04/06/2017 00:15

never yes I would ask the restaurant direct. But that's because I worry so much about my child's allergies. I guess it was the OP's attitude that I wasn't keen on.

OP. From your updates there's clearly more to this than just the lady who is gluten free. And in fairness you didn't say that at first. Don't worry about the main cake. People with allergies do understand they can't have everything to their preferences. I'm going to a kiddies party tomorrow and am taking my boy a little cake so he doesn't feel left out by his pals.

Just stop for a second. Take a breath. It's all gravy (of the gluten free kind) see what I did there.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:16

Thanks Aeroflot. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Flowers Im sorry for sounding insensitive in my last few posts, as I think that I may have come across that way. I'm really, really sorry everyone. This was a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back, if you see what I mean. I've spent 10-hour days over the past 2 weeks organising this hen weekend (for next weekend), and I've really struggled. I don't know where to go for support in real life and I'm really quite down.

OP posts:
RhythmAndStealth · 04/06/2017 00:16

Does she mean an allergen menu?

They are a table of what allergens are in what dish, along with whether they are safe for coeliacs/vegans/people with nut allergies. They will usually list not just whether a dish contains an allergen, but whether the dish might have been cross contaminated during production. That the reason behind phrases like "no gluten containing ingredients" on some foods- it means doesn't contain gluten per se (e.g. Flour) but might have come into contact with it.

Restaurants now have to provide those (or a member of staff on duty who knows the menu inside out) by law.

Maybe she's just been diagnosed with coeliac disease ( a lot of coeliacs also react to to the protein in dairy). I know when I was newly diagnosed I obsessively cross-checked everything out of nervousness.

FastForward2 · 04/06/2017 00:17

OP I think your message is fine.
Having coeliacs in the family I know the issues. If this person is newly diagnosed they may be being extra nervous, but getting them to speak to the restaurant themselves is ideal, that is what I would want to do.
Newly diagnosed coeliacs can be dairy intolerant until they have been gluten free temporarily,. When the gut heals, by removing gluten, dairy can be re-introduced.

Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:18

I'm so so sorry for snapping at you NiceSlice FlowersFlowers you're absolutely right, there is more to it than the guest who asked about the gluten-free menu. I really didn't intend for it to be a massive drip-feed about the hen weekend, but I wanted to be fairly careful about revealing too many details in case this is too identifying. Organising this has been too much. It's been hell frankly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComingUpTrumps · 04/06/2017 00:20

Thanks Rhythm and FastForward Flowers

OP posts:
ANiceSliceOfCake · 04/06/2017 00:23

It's ok. I've organised hen do's myself. Nightmare.
Lists and delegate. Keep things simple.
Tell people what the plan is and leave um to it.
Oh. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Grin

14Peanut17 · 04/06/2017 00:24

Just make the restaurant aware that her order is to be diary and gluten free. If she is newly diagnosed she may just be cautious.

I've worked on plenty of restaurants and it is no big deal once someone states their dietary needs, a few of the dishes on the menu can just be adjusted to their needs.

Then again I'm in Ireland and we have the highest rate of coeliacs, so maybe we are just used to it.

Try and relax re: the organising. As they say'it will be alright on the night'

RhythmAndStealth · 04/06/2017 00:24

That's ok.

Allergen menus look like this

I like to look at one anywhere I visit. It's not just about checking the table, whether or not a restaurant has bothered to produce one, and how detailed it is says a lot about whether they take allergens seriously.

Also, some places produce one that tells you that there is gluten and dairy in everything! So they obviously aren't accommodating.

I would usually check with the restaurant directly myself now, but when I was newly diagnosed it was all very confusing and sometimes I panicked- sounds like the hen guest is doing that.

TitaniasCloset · 04/06/2017 00:25

Oh I have limited sympathy,half these food intolerance people are just special snowflakes in my experience. How come you rarely hear about poor people having all sorts of intolerences? I don't know a single person in my area or friend group. Go ahead blast me, but I think a lot of you are just spoilt princesses with nothing better to worry about.

caroldecker · 04/06/2017 00:25

Your fine - with my DN, who has celiac, I would not trust an organizer and would speak directly to the restaurant to organise on his behalf. If this guest is not prepared to do that, then she probably has made a dietary choice rather than a medical condition.
As for the cake, just tell her it is organised, you had no idea she was GF, terribly sorry but does she want to bring her own?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2017 00:27

Oh OP you are doing a wonderful job at a thankless task. And you are doing it alone for people who do not seem to appreciate your efforts. I promise I have not been stalking you but I have seen your threads about it all and you are really going above and beyond for the bride and her friends. Have lots of Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 00:28

"Please contact the restaurant direct and let me know what you decide."

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/06/2017 00:28

There are plenty of "poor" children at allergy clinic when my son attends @TitaniasCloset. Plenty.
The whole cross section of society is there.2

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 00:29

"I've also spent £30 on a vegan cake as a surprise for everyone on the weekend. I think I may have to return the cake as it's not gluten free. It wouldn't be fair if one person can't enjoy it. What do you all think?"

I would go with the cake you have bought and buy a packet of Rocky Road gluten and dairy free from a supermarket, give her two pieces and keep the packaging so she can check it is fine.