To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

[Isthismummy]

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for this

I m a manger of a care service and I would support you by reallocating you with another service user. I would not want you put under the stress and upset as it's not fair on you and it would also affect the support you were able to give your service user. Please speak to your manger, yes work and personal life should not impact on each other but it's not that black and white and I would not want any of my staff to feel that pressure.

Bitch I was going to say 'noon expected me to surround myself with teenage girls after DD died' but when I thought about it a bit, some did.

Its what I mean about there being parallels in the way bereaved parents and women with infertility are treated.

I mean, why the hell would anyone expect you to put yourself through listening to mothers talking about their babies and feeding
Yet they do.

IMO it is entirely reasonable for you to protect yourself from as much pain as you can.
As did I for a very long time. I wouldn't even leave the house at 3.15-3.45 in case I found myself in a throng of young teenage girls leaving school.

I didn't go to family dos either. I didn't want the pain of watching DD's contemporaries all dressed up and having fun.

An aunt scolded me. Apparently going to HER 50th on DD's anniversary would be good for me. Also...what about my family, I should think of THEM.

I don't meant to me-rail. so I will stfu about my theories now

mrsdv grief is hell. I think ignorance plays a big part in this. If people haven't experienced loss they concoct an idea of how they think they would feel in your shoes and then treat you accordingly. It would be much kinder to just let people be, and grieve in their own way, in their own time.

Your Aunt and my Mother would get on like a house on fire

tabithaa it is really great that you feel able to be around pregnant friends if you wish to. I went to a friends baby shower as we were under going our final IVF with donor eggs after over 6 years of fertility treatment. However, it was secondary infertility and we had our daughter so I know how lucky I was to be in that position. But child or no child if someone feels unable to be around another person it is no one's business to make them feel they must do it. It is cruel and unnecessary and for the pregnant woman to feel her needs come first is just plain wrong. The fact you are a strong person doesn't mean you can tell others off for not having your strength, IMHO.

"disagree on behaviour towards pregnant women." this is not about behaviour to pregnant women it is about behaviour to infertile women!

Bearfrills I was so sad to read your post and hear your desperation. But so happy to hear your good news at the end of the story.

Bitchfromhell I am so sorry to hear your sadness too.

I don't know if it is appropriate to share this but my own (secondary) infertility journey for number 2 ended in the good news of adoption.

I don't know how things have worked out for others on the thread, or what the OP plans long term but if anyone ever decide to go down the donor egg route I might still have some knowledge and would be happy to chat by pm!

As we adopted, which is different I know, but for me has been fabulous. The 'leap' from infertility to adoption is not a quick one but if anyone wants to talk about it I have found the adoption boards here on Mumsnet to be an excellent source of information and support.

MrsDV "An aunt scolded me. Apparently going to HER 50th on DD's anniversary would be good for me. Also...what about my family, I should think of THEM."

How incredibly stupid and evil of her. I have not experience of the loss of a child but have read a fair bit about it and I am always shocked at how others feel they get to tell the grieving person how to grieve. I have two friends who have lost children, I would never in a million years presume to tell them what would be good for them!