To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

[Isthismummy]

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for this

I know its so hard but sometimes the thought of something is so much worse than the reality and I imagine in your situation the apprehension of being in the middle of somebody's pregnancy and then a new baby must be almost at phobic level . But I think you would overcome this and your professionalism would prevail and you would cope and could even get enormous personal satisfaction from managing to do this despite your fears. Another way of looking at it is that you would never worry as much again about seeing a pregnant woman in the street or being in a lift with a new mum or whatever. Because if you can get through this you may well feel stronger in these other 'lesser' everyday encounters. It is obviously up to you but don't underestimate your strength and professionalism. You sound like you are wonderful at your job - your main concern is for your 'service user' (I hate that term too) - which only bears this out. Easy for me to say but I think you could do this. But all the very best to you in whatever you decide about this and for the future.

Dear god, the insensitivity of some people is astonishing!

OP you have my deepest sympathy over this very difficult issue. I send you love and strength

I understand how you feel and in your position wouldn't have the strength to work with this person.

Its totally different to having a pregnant friend or sibling (which can be hard enough to deal with), but you dont have to take them to antenatal appointments and shopping for baby clothing. That would have broken my heart.

I too suffered with infertility and for 5 years thought it wasn't possible. I ended up leaving my job (nothing to do with care), just to help my mental health.

I can't believe some people are effectively saying 'stick with it, you might find it therapeutic'

Neither the OP or the lady she supports are a social experiment in how strong a person can potentially be under pressure

The OP has been very honest about her feelings and has had the guts to admit she cannot do this. I think she knows herself better than a bunch of strangers on MN.

Really can't believe some of the responses on here.
I have the same diagnosis did eventually conceive naturally after many years. I couldn't speak to a pregnant best friend for 6 months at one point.
Speak to you manager it will be tough on you and you don't need this on top of one of the most devastating fertility diagnosis.
I have seen research which shows that fertility is the 2nd toughest diagnosis on mental health after cancer.
Be kind to yourself and let the person who is pregnant get a carer assigned who can help her enjoy her pregnancy. And that is not judging you.

I think that you should consider giving yourself a little time before doing anything about this. It's not surprising that your first thought is that you can't cope with it but maybe it's worth waiting before saying anything.

Hi OP

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I've also had fertility problems so can empathise, I also have an LD sister, so I can understand if you feel this lady you support may be less equipped to deal with parenting than you would be (I don't want to get flamed for that comment, some people with LD might be able to cope with being a parent but my sister definitely wouldn't).

How would you feel about supporting her in the day to day without the maternity appointments? How would you feel about supporting her once the baby arrives if you're not pregnant by then?

If the answer to the latter is that you'd find it too hard it's kinder to let someone else take over as she'll need someone she can trust Alot more when the baby comes.

If you can handle it, it would be better if you could drop your support gradually to allow her to get used to another support worker, my sister gets very attached to hers and finds it distressing when they leave.

Good luck and wishing you get your bfp soon xx

When I lost my son at around 24 weeks after two earlier miscarriages I thought I could never ever visit or see or hear about a pregnant woman or baby ever again. I worked in a clerical role at a local hospital at the time and after a long sickness absence I had to apply on the intranet for any available posts (though they had to give me 'a' job) The best available (hours wise and grade wise) was on a maternity unit and I went for it after much angsting over whether I could do it or not. It helped me in the long run and in an almost saturation technique way diminished my crippling fear of seeing a baby/pregnant woman anywhere. I know everyone is different and am not suggesting anybody uses anyone as a social experiment fgs. I am merely saying that sometimes the thought of something can be the worse part and sometimes we underestimate our own strength. Sadly when you suffer from this awful cruel condition there are still always going to be babies and pregnant woman etc all over the place (in fact seems be ten times more of them if you're trying to avoid) so at some point you have to find a way of coping with seeing them or being around them. Again best of luck OP.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask someone else to take her on. I'm a GP, some years ago we looked after a boy who very sadly died of a liver tumour. One of my colleagues was his main GP and he asked me to take over the family as the boy was exactly the same age as his son and he couldn't do it emotionally any more. We are all human.

Look after yourself OP. Do what is best for you. Speak to your line manager. If necessary leave your job rather than damaging your mental health. But in your shoes I'd probably request a transfer of area and look for a different job, but start to support her and you may find your views change as things go on.

Also, if you can help to transition this service user to the new person that will help her and the new person and may give you some closure.

Just as an aside we had a baby 12 years ago and failed to have a second child but did try fertility treatment with donor eggs, and eventually adopted our son.

Feel free to PM me if you like. I really feel for you, I am sure I could not have done that job while also trying to conceive.

I don't know much about this type of job but if you're on a zero hours contract and she is your main client won't you effectively be quitting your job? I mean obviously fine if that's what you want (you can quit for whatever you like!) but it wasn't clear from your OP whether you were willing to take the risk of unemployment to avoid the client

OP I think you are being unfairly slated on here, I think your wording has given the impression of disabilist attitudes, but you are doing the right thing in speaking to your manager. I haven't experienced infertility myself but have several female relatives who have, and I know it is incredibly difficult to see me with my dd despite the fact they love her and me, it's heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to do your job having had the bad news regarding your fertility. If you have only found out today you may find that after a while you feel you may be able to tackle the challenge, but if not you will have to hope that your hours can be assigned a different service user. Hopefully your manager will be sympathetic unlike some on here.

Where "This girl trusts you, I should think there wouldn't necessarily be time for her to build that sort of relationship with someone else in time for appointments etc." This is on the face of it a kind comment but may also feel a bit like 'guilting' the OP into staying.

OP no one needs to stay in a job they are not happy in, for whatever reason.

Nos "what are you going to do if your best friend or relative becomes pregnant? Remove them from your life? It's fine to cry and have a wobble, but then we need to pull our big girl pants up and crack on."

Maybe the OP is not going to go to every scan with them and follow their pregnancy as a matter of her work. Wouldn't you think.

Graceflorrick I am sorry you are suffering secondary infertility, that is what happened to us, and I actually found it more distressing than the infertility that we experienced before having dd (I don't expect anyone to understand this or agree but that is how I felt).

However, "Honestly, as hard as it is, you need to take the personal out of the professional. You're paid to do a job and you are expected to do it well. In this instance, that means supporting this service user that you've already built up a relationship with at a time that she needs you the most."

The OP is only paid to do this if she stays in the job, she is not required to be professional in this job if she chooses to change it.

TheFirstMrsDV wise words indeed.

I think your wording has given the impression of disabilist attitudes

What on earth gave you that impression?

Nothing about the OP's wording has been "disabilist", she's talking about not being able to cope with supporting a pregnant woman due to her recent fertility diagnosis

I'm so sorry for your pain op it must be awful for you! Defiantly talk to your manager, it would be unfair to you to have to try and support your service user at this time and unfair to her to if you mentally couldn't cope and give her the support she needed. That's not to say your not good at your job I'm sure you are very professional and caring but that you are grieving and need time to heal and adjust iyswim .

to you OP and all who have experienced the pain of infertility

Not sure why you mentioned the woman's age. If your age has nothing to do with it then why does hers? And I think the phrase 'cosmic joke' is a little distasteful. She isn't any less deserving of her pregnancy.

Aside from that I wouldn't hesitate to discuss with your manager that you don't feel able to deal with this situation and ask for a different case load. To avoid the upset for you, and so the woman can get settled and familiar with her new support worker asap.

I haven't RTFT but I had helpful and practical support for a similarly sensitive issue on the Employment Issues board on MN. One poster gave me some wording I could use to support the difficult conversation I face with my employer. Good luck OP.

If there's a chance she receives subpar care because of the change, then it's not really acceptable but if you feel you can be substituted without any problem, then it seems fine.

I mean, it would be... something if withdrawing the support of a trusted support worker led this woman to lose custody of what you've always wanted... a baby.

I'm a family support coordinator and would expect a member of my staff in this situation to discuss it with me ASAP. It wouldn't be professional to go ahead and work with that client and I wouldn't have a problem caseloading them to another member of staff.

You must always as a social care worker look after yourself first.

Impossible situation for you! Having suffered through infertility myself I understand!! Not worth all the money on the earth to have to do that for your service user.

I think you'd be perfectly justified in asking to be removed from this lady's case and be reassigned to another client. I'm assuming you're not the only person in the entire country who can provide this service, so it's not unreasonable at all to ask that someone else take on this client.

Some of the replies on here have been quite callous and cold. Clearly not everyone has empathy, sympathy or understanding of infertility.

It's one thing to have a friend or relative who is pregnant and completely another to be working intimately with a client who is pregnant.

Presumably you wouldn't be around a pregnant friend/relative all day, several/every day of the week, dealing with things like scans, antenatal appointments, paperwork, shopping for baby gear - all things that you'd love to be doing for yourself/your own baby. With a pregnant friend you'd probably talk about a lot of general stuff and could excuse yourself if it got too much. There's no such escape if you're in the middle of an antenatal appointment with a client.

Good luck, OP. I hope your supervisor is understanding and reasonable.

MsMims

So what if op said things like 'cosmic joke'. She's ranting and she didn't say the woman didn't deserve to have a child. Have you been diagnosed with infertility or suffered from it? Have you had treatment and failed or had several cycles of ivf and then produced a child? Unless you have, you have fuck all understanding of what op is going through. As a parent of an only child born through, I find your post distasteful.

Isthis I don't consider it a defeat to change cases. The first step is to go and speak to your manager about how you feel. If he/she is approachable, you don't have to have even made a decision until you've talked it through with them. Your have a very important and influential job and I can understand why you are taking the time to really understand whether or not you are equipped to help this young woman. It is an incredibly difficult decision. However it needs to be the right one both for you and for the mother and baby. If you decide you are unable, please don't feel guilty about walking away as you will be doing what is best for all.

I had fertility problems, and miscarriages, and at one point, after I lost my first baby at 22 weeks into my pregnancy, I would just burst into tears at the sight of a pregnant woman walking along the street, so I completely get it. I would have been absolutely unable to cope had I been in your situation at work, Isthismummy. I can only reiterate what some others have said - please talk to your managers about this and hopefully, they will be able to make sure your pregnant client is well looked after by one of your colleagues and that you can provide someone else who is not pregnant with your support.

Good luck.