To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

[Isthismummy]

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for this

Describing women struggling to conceive as "spiteful" for not being able to be around their pregnant friends is one of the most callous and unempathetic comments I've read on here. flossy.

You say that although you have good managers you are on a "zero hours" contract, so have no job security, guaranteed wage etc. IMO your "employer" would be U in these and your fertility circumstances not to change your duties/client in the circumstances.

The timing IS awful. Working day after day with someone in such a close role, must be unspeakably difficult.

I cannot pretend I know how you are feeling, but I do manage to understand that this is not the same as walking past pg women, fb announcements etc. it's moment after moment, with no room to breathe.

You are being entirely decent and honourable in making sure that your client/the girl does not have to deal with any fallout, and you need to protect yourself and your sanity too. Grief is an unreliable process, and making yourself a martyr to the job would not help either of you.

Little known/acknowledged fact - experiencing extreme pain does not toughen you up, it makes you more sensitive to pain.

Give yourself a chance, you deserve to process in your own way, at your own pace. Much sympathy and wish you peace xx

Jesus Christ flossy, stop digging yourself in deeper! I think you've seriously missed your own point by saying it feels spiteful for women suffering infertility to avoid pregnant women. You really don't understand of infertility.

We TTC for three years. Three years of negative tests, of your dreams slowly dying. The hypothetical child you joke about with your DH being mentioned less and less and then not at all. Serious discussions about your future as a couple "if it turns out it's a fault with me, I want you want to find someone else" and "are we going to be enough for each other if it's just us and no kids?". The tests themselves are intrusive and the waiting. So much waiting. Waiting to conceive, waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting for treatment. You spend your life on pause, just waiting, and meanwhile everyone else is moving through the proper life steps - meet partner, move in together, maybe get married, have children - and you're stuck in a holding pattern jammed into a limbo between steps three and four. I finally got a positive test after three years, I would have been 6wks pregnant. All of our dreams and hopes suddenly came back, it was like magic. Three days later I had some brown spotting and wanted to get checked over so headed to Early Pregnancy Assessment. On the way there another car crashed into us, going 70 in a 20 zone. If it wasn't a miscarriage before that then it certainly was after and two days later I lost our baby. I had an extended break from reality after that and spent a few weeks off my face on high strength diazepam as it was the only way I could function. I gave serious thought to stealing a baby from the local hospital. Yes, I recognise I was unwell and I sought help before actually going through with it but until you find yourself at such a low point that abducting a baby seems like a good idea then no, you do not understand the pain of infertility or pregnancy loss. Your own body betrays you, nature betrays you.

But yeah, it's totally spiteful to resent other women their fertility

Bear What happened to you is beyond awful, I'm so sorry for your loss

A poster earlier said she stopped talking to a friend for 6 months because she was pregnant.
I did that two. We had our first 2 children within weeks of each other so became close friends. Then as I was going though the pain of separation, she got pregnant again. I felt envy, but not beyond control. Our friendship remained great and she asked me to be her 3rd child's God mother and I was very touch.

Then fortune turned my way, met the love of my life and got pregnant. I told her and she admitted that her and her husband were considering a 4th child. A couple of days before I miscarried with what was treated an ectopic pregnancy, she announced she was pregnant too. The situation was hard enough, but I could just about cope.

When it got beyond any efforts I could make is when she called me a few weeks back, saying that she had been bleeding heavily and the hospital had told her that she was most likely miscarrying too (hence contact me for support), except she didn't. The bleeding stopped, then started again, then stopped, but during all these ups and downs, the pregnancy continued and as she grew bigger, I went through each month with the blow each time my period came and I reached the point when I could do it any longer. I longed to be a good friend and be happy for her. She was wonderful, didn't say one thing wrong, understood how hard it was for me, but I just had to grieve alone. Thankfully, she totally understood. I didn't contact her in any way for 12 months, until I felt a bit stronger and the moment I did and apologies, she welcome me with open arms saying that she had been waiting for this time and never held my silence against me. I was so relieved.

We are back to being close friends and the envy has completely gone. As a matter of fact, it's now genuinely the other way around. I am now enjoying being a mum of teenagers, with the physical and financial freedom that comes with it and loving it. SHE was a great friend respecting my grief and just being patient.

The effort should be on the one who has the energy to give it, not on the person who has nothing left to give to themselves, let alone others, however much loved.

I got my happy ending WinBigly, we had a late mmc along the way but I went on to have four DC and irony of ironies, the last one was an accident after all those years of thinking "how do you get accidentally pregnant when I can't even get pregnant on purpose!?" but I know plenty of people who don't get their happy ending and I'd never consider them spiteful for feeling sad or resentful that I have what they want. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have my DC, I just wish everyone could be so lucky.

I had a friend who cut me off completely when I was pregnant.
For a while I was a bit upset. I had just lost my DD after years of horrible illness, I was a fair bit older than her so running out of time, I had been trying for over a year myself.
But this woman had been there for me through the worst time in my life. She was kind and helpful and thoughtful.
So I had to work out for myself that if even she couldn't bear being near a pregnant friend she must have bloody good reason.

I think infertility gets similar reactions to child loss. People say stupid things and they expect certain type of behaviour. There is always talk of 'moving on' and 'getting on with it' and 'being strong for your partner/family/any children'

So I won't claim to know what its like to deal with infertility but I do have enormous empathy for those who are living with it.

Being someone who has suffered many miscarriages, suffer from pcos which only having 2 periods last year to somehow fallen pregnant I don't think flossy is wrong or was trying to be nasty.

After my last miscarriage 3 family members announced their pregnancies one of which was due same time as me and friends. I never and would never act strange, distance myself from them etc or get annoyed that all they talk about is their pregnancy!!

I genuinely don't think it's fair, no one knows that persons circumstances, how long it took, what they went through to conceive.

This post should be deleted as it's ridiculous how people jump on someone for not having same views or options.

Been lucky to fall pregnant again**

Definitely speak to boss and get change. I have been through POF and endless pregnancy announcements before my happy ending with donor egg so know how difficult it is to cope.

I've only read beginning and end of thread so sorry if I'm duplicating too much.

I would hope that in this situation you could be supported to swap duties to other service users. The sooner you discuss it with a manager the more practical it should be to introduce a gradual handover which I would imagine might be more sensitive to the other people involve. Good luck and strength to you when talking with your manager.

I genuinely don't think it's fair, no one knows that persons circumstances, how long it took, what they went through to conceive.
Why wouldn't they know if they are friends?

Again, I think they are various aspect to infertility, age being the main one. A 25 yo woman suffering from it will have 15 years to hope that it will happen. A 40yo only a couple of months. It does bring another dimension to the distress.

Because you don't need to tell everyone your private business, I know I don't!!

I'm off, we will agree to disagree on behaviour towards pregnant women.

In your shoes I would absolutely protect my own mental health and do what I needed to not be around this woman. I don't know if this will help you but this is how I try and deal with the day to day of infertility.
I cannot be around pregnant people, I cannot listen to conversations regarding childbirth and breastfeeding feeding so I avoid at all costs.
If groups of mothers with babies enter cafes etc I leave.
I do not hold people babies.
I am completely unapologetic about it. It doesn't come from a place of spite or cruelty. It doesn't even come from a place of envy. It comes from deep, raw sadness. So I do what I need to do to keep a lid on my sadness. I always will, I have no desire to experience pain like that all the time. Nor should you, this is not your fault and no one gets to say in what you do to make it bearable but you.

Sorry, hopefully you'll get the gist of what I mean despite the appalling grammar,

TheFirstMrsDV nails it at 9.38 am.

If this happened to someone on our team, there would be absolutely no issue with swapping caseloads around so that someone else worked with the pregnant client. It's been done loads of times, for all sorts of reasons.

I hope the OP's managers are as understanding as mine. It's best for the client too, as a worker who is struggling with their own emotions can't give 100% to the client.

rolopolovoloIf what a very unpleasant post. "there's a chance she receives subpar care because of the change, then it's not really acceptable" it is 100 per cent acceptable to leave a job you do not wish to do.

If this woman needs support to attend even these preliminary medical appointments it is possible she will lose care of her baby.

This is highly unlikely to be decided on based solely on her attendance at appointments before the child is even born!

Our son is adopted and there are very clear reasons why children are removed!

If this woman cannot care for the baby he or she will be removed. This has nothing at all to do with the OP.

Your post is vile!

I've gasped aloud at the spiteful, callous nastiness from posters on this thread.

OP, please, please don't listen to them.

Flossy "At the same time it saddens me that my fertility would cause somebody to not speak to me or work with me because of something I cannot control. It feels spiteful and not something I could do to an innocent person"

There is nothing, spiteful about women suffering infertility avoiding pregnant women or babies.

Women do not owe you the time if they are suffering and you are pregnant.

When I was suffering with infertility I made the mistake of telling my pregnant friend how I felt. Big mistake. Because she was upset, I made to feel bad! About something I could not control.

Anyone feeling the level of desperation that infertility brings has no obligation to hang around with pregnant women or babies!

You may feel sympathy but if you have not been there you do not understand. Do not judge people because they don't want to be around you for something they cannot control!

If you are pregnant, enjoy your pregnancy and baby, no one is blaming you! It's just the situation as it is.

Glossy not being able to be around pregnant women is not treating them badly. if course you can have feeling but if they mean infertile women have to be around pregnant some then your feelings are insensitive.

Ps you don't have empathy in this because you are thinking about you and not the other person. Maybe you have sympathy but you still expect them to do what you want!

People not wanting to 've around you for a relatively short time is not being cruel.

Supposedly understanding the issues and still wanting things to carry onyour way is looking rather cruel to me. It is not about you! It is a different kind of jealousy in my humble opinion to almost anything! It isto me closest to the feeling of a lovely long term singleton at a wedding but still more so. I'd never expect people to be around me of it made them so unhappy, and if I really understood I would not feel bad, I would accept it.

Flossy not Glossy.

Lonely not lovely!