To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

[Isthismummy]

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for this

It's not an easy situation to be in and whilst explaining it to your boss is a good idea I would also prepare yourself for the fact that you will get told a watered down version if the first reply on the thread.

Having lived for 20+ years of being told I would never have kids I understand your heartache, but I think in this situation you may have to try and separate your personal feelings from your professional role.

This girl trusts you, I should think there wouldn't necessarily be time for her to build that sort of relationship with someone else in time for appointments etc.

Can you not separate work from your personal life?

original can you not think before you post and then...not bloody post something like that!

I totally get why you would feel the way you do. You need to do what is best for you. I am so sorry OP.

I would suggest that if your resilience is so low

I think this is a very unfair comment. OP hasn't said that she can't deal with seeing a pregnant woman or hearing about babies. She says she can't deal with seeing every single step of a process that she's terrified she'll never experience, and of being reminded at work every day of what she doesn't have.

Some people let their emotions run their life, others control their emotions. If we all let things bother us in our work lives the world would grind to a halt.

Sometimes though it's necessary to take a step back from work to give yourself the breathing space that you need. It's got nothing at all to do with petting emotions run your life and everything to do with protecting your emotional wellbeing.

A cosmic joke at people with disabilities conceiving and not you??

I have struggled for years to get and remain pregnant so I understand how difficult things can be.

it is something we can't escape though, what are you going to do if your best friend or relative becomes pregnant? Remove them from your life? It's fine to cry and have a wobble, but then we need to pull our big girl pants up and crack on.

I'm actually amazing at my job with a lot of positive achievements and feedback to prove it. I'm also a human being going through the most painfully raw experience of my life.

StillDriving I am not judging my clients. I have no idea where you get that from? I am not mentally in a position to be going to ANYONES scan appointments or sighing over baby booties with them. I can barely pass a pram in the street some days without crying!

I guess it's something you just can't understand until you've lived with it. Infertility is a pain that NEVER goes away.

I struggled for 2 years to conceive. I'm a midwife. Yes it was bloody awful at times and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

But. You can do this, and actually you should do this. You know this woman, you have the relationship with her and nobody can do this better than you. Professionally and emotionally you owe it to yourself not to let shitty infertility trainwreck your job.

POF isn't the end of the road by any means either.

God this thread has a depressingly high number of complete idiots. One thing I never realised before my own problems is that a surprisingly large minority of fertile women despise the infertile. I assume it's the result of the insecurity of knowing that their own only 'achievement' in life is normal fertility.

Maybe just try, one day at a time, this girl needs your help and support and think of the difference you would make to her and her baby. You may just become the most important person in their lives.

No it won't be the same but at least give it a go and you may find it helps. If it doesn't you tried.

I would seriously question whether it is appropriate for the op to be using a service user as an outlet for her wish to become a mother. There need to be professional boundaries. It's not the same as doting on grandchildren.

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here! Surely if she feels she may be unable to offer the support this service user needs then withdrawing before this service user relies on the OP is the right thing to do.

That sounds really tough. Having struggled with infertility and now also having a daughter with learning difficulties I can sympathise with both angles. I think perhaps you may not be in a position to provide the best care for the young girl ( can't say service user, it's horrible) and would completely understand if you felt that this was too much for you. We are all human. I totally appreciate the care my daughter receives, and in this situation would want the best possible support for her. And I would completely understand if someone in your situation felt it was too much to cope with. Maybe give yourself a day or two to compose yourself a little, and then speak to your manager. To find the best solution for all concerned.

I'm a manager in a business setting and have had people ask not to work with specific clients because of clashes such as this. As a manager it's my responsibility to get the most out of my team and I would switch workloads to accommodate your request not to work with this case.

I never thought of it like that NC4T Thank you🙂

For what it's worth, I have a diagnosis of POF and the situation you describe would have broken me so soon after diagnosis.

I know that's no help to you in terms of work but yeah- I get it.

However, I now have a beautiful DD (after a bit of medical jiggery pokery) and you never know how much strength you will be able to draw upon. But it's hard, very hard.

Don't mean to offend saying service user btw. It's the term I've been trained to use. I'm not mad keen on it either.

Glad to hear you got your DD SageYouResolueOricle That's an inspiring story.

I'm already drawing on strength I never knew I had. It's amazing how we keep going isn't it?

to you op I cannot imagine being in that position it must be heart breaking. It's akin to working as a wedding planner when you've been dumped by your husband - but far worse IMHO.

I really hope your manager is able to switch you to supporting someone else.

Thank you ClemDanfango I'm braced for the less than kindly replies I do know you get some lovely posters on here though and I've been given some food for thought.

And I've also had to deal with pregnant family and colleagues after miscarriages. It's flippin tough. And I was able to eventually have three beautiful daughters, albeit one with major problems. But sometimes you have to accept that something is just too much to deal with, and be kind to yourself. Xx

I really feel for you, what a heart wrenching situation. Do you have a coworker you can gradually 'swap' with? I'm in HR and had all 3 girls (there's only 4 of us!) tell me they are pregnant whilst we have been trying for over a year, it's horrible as I'm so happy for them but fevasataed they will all be off having babies together while I'm struggling with infertility. for you

I don't pretend to understand infertility. But I'm not a complete twat so I understand that this is an increadibly difficult situation, and that this is not a decision you're taking lightly.

Yes you should speak to your manager. Are there colleagues who you could swap clients with? Obviously this woman still needs to have support. But you're not in a place to provide it. It's not fair to you or this client.

OP, I'm a a similar position - I advise the court on the safety and wellbeing of children. I'm also experiencing secondary infertility.

Honestly, as hard as it is, you need to take the personal out of the professional. You're paid to do a job and you are expected to do it well. In this instance, that means supporting this service user that you've already built up a relationship with at a time that she needs you the most.