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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

180 replies

Isthismummy · 02/06/2017 20:25

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for thisSad

OP posts:
Sahara123 · 02/06/2017 20:58

No offence taken! I'm just a bit aghast at some of the terminology dreamed up by organisations sometimes!

Noodles0580 · 02/06/2017 20:59

Definitely talk to your manager OP. I work in a social care role too. It's much more professional to accept that we are human and certain things that come up in our work will be too emotionally draining for us to cope with and maintain professionalism. It's a strength to admit it. Sending you a hug by the way x

KickHisAssSeaBass · 02/06/2017 21:00

No sensible advice OP, just wanted to give you Flowers and say I'm so sorry. Infertility is fucking shit.

RebornSlippy · 02/06/2017 21:00

Oh, this is very tough, OP.

I know quite a few midwives who, faced with their own infertility, continued on with their careers. That's not to say that we're all cut from the same cloth, but simply using this as an example that it can be done. However, I certainly wouldn't blame you if you don't feel it can in your current situation.

Will your job be affected if you refuse to work with this woman?

Llanali · 02/06/2017 21:00

I do get how difficult it must be; I have experienced similar. I am currently in the position of possibly moving into a role working with the same specialist oncologists who cared for my mother when she died, working on the same type of cancer as she had and I find myself feeling very tearful about it, wandering the wards my mother spent some many hours suffering on.

But, still, life goes on, and I have a job to do, so I have to do it. I would suggest you speak with your managers and gain their feeling on it, but I'll be honest, if I were you I would crack on.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/06/2017 21:02

isthis I am very sorry that you are having to cope with infertility. The news of the ovarian failure must be a huge blow to you.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to not want to work with this lady.
I got the gist of what that deleted post said and my response is this,

as professionals sometimes the best thing we can do is to recognise that we are not the best people to do a particular task. This makes us more professional not less.
If this assignment feels to much for you then you should step away. It would be far more disruptive for the service user if you were to force yourself only to have to leave further along in her pregnancy.

I really, really hope you get the family you wish for one day Flowers

princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 21:03

Purple daisy you have completely twisted my words. No im not suggesting it as outlet or replacement. What I'm saying is that she owes it to herself to try and that she clearly makes a difference to this girls everyday life and so in turn would make a difference to baby. I also say if she tries and it's to hard she can then call it a day knowing she tried. Your correct grandchildren is different but infertility is infertility and you have to learn to cope with it anyway you can. It takes time to heal and it's awfully hard but in the mean time you have to find the strength to continue everyday life. Op, no one can judge you, you are in your situation and you have to do what is right for you.

BillSykesDog · 02/06/2017 21:03

I have suffered from infertility and I really don't think you should do this. I had to do some work with NHS maternity documentation during that period (without coming into contact with patients) and my God it was tough. I honestly don't think I could have coped with dealing with patients directly.

Could you couch it to your management in terms of not just you personally not being able to cope with it, but also that because you are facing these difficulties you don't feel that the support you could offer her would perhaps be quite as effective as the support she might get from someone else? Is there anybody who could swap cases with you?

You don't say if you are still being treated, but if you are all the best. Flowers

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/06/2017 21:05

I agree with NC4T - what a wise post. Hope you make the best decision for you OP x

BlurryFace · 02/06/2017 21:07

I feel for you OP, that must be hard. It's one thing, I'm sure, to have a pregnant customer/colleague in most lines of work but another to have to be so involved with scans/medical appointments/buying baby things.

Crispmonster1 · 02/06/2017 21:08

Explains bare bones of it to your boss and say it would be in hers/yours best interests for someone else to do it. Could you swop with someone?

deckoff · 02/06/2017 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/06/2017 21:09

I do not agree with those telling her to just get on with it (however kindly meant).

Midwives almost exclusively work with pregnant women or new mothers. If they wish to continue in their career they cannot avoid babies.
The OP can work with other service users. There is no shortage of adults with LDs needing support.
There is nothing to be gained from her forcing herself to work with this woman.

When I went back to work shortly after losing my DD I didn't work with the oncology children. It was too much for me. 11 years along I am leaning towards specialising and have a lot of contact with that particular group
I doubt I would be in the right place to do that now if I had been forced to do it then.

Those in the caring professions really need to practice self are if they are going to do their jobs effectively.

caoraich · 02/06/2017 21:09

OP, this is so tough for you and I feel I can empathise. I too worked for a period with people with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities. I was looking after someone who had a different but comparable unexpected life event that had also affected me personally and I found it difficult to continue the relationship.

I spoke with my supervisor who could not have been kinder and more sympathetic and who arranged for me to swap this person's care with a colleague.

The key thing was explaining it in an understandable way to the person I was looking after at a level she could understand. My colleague and I met with her jointly a few times so she could get used to the transfer of care. We also explained the wider context- my colleague was new to the team and we explained that it was important that people in our role kept up our skills and knowledge of all different types of people, and this sometimes meant moving ourselves around. I explained that I was having some difficulty supporting her with her life event- that this was nothing to do with her, she hadn't done anything wrong, and that it was entirely to do with me and we felt my colleague would be more skilled. I didn't go into any further depth as I didn't feel this was appropriate and both my colleague and I stressed that the most important thing was that the person we were looking after got the best care possible.

The transfer did go smoothly and I think that having my team's support in doing this really helped. Wish you the best of luck

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/06/2017 21:12

princess people with LDs need consistency.
They do not need key workers 'giving it a go' and pulling out if it doesn't work out.
She will need someone to rely on and trust. Women with LDs are at high risk of social services intervention. The very last thing she needs is a change of key worker half way through her pregnancy.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/06/2017 21:13

OP I really feel for you, I think you should have an open and Frank discussion with your manager and hopefully she will be able to help you. My only concern would be if without supporting this particular client would you get enough work to live? Would you effectively be making yourself redundant?

Do you think it would be possible to have a break from this client temporarily and reassess in a few weeks?

Coastalcommand · 02/06/2017 21:13

As PPs have said, POF isn't necessarily the end of the road. I had it, and we have a beautiful baby girl from our first and only round of NHS IVF. It may be that you can still have a child.
Could you turn your focus at work onto celebrating with your service user? Watch her joy at those scans, celebrate those trips to Mothercare. She's probably had a lot of hurdles in her life already. Make sure she has the best pregnancy she can.

PurpleDaisies · 02/06/2017 21:15

Could you turn your focus at work onto celebrating with your service user? Watch her joy at those scans, celebrate those trips to Mothercare. She's probably had a lot of hurdles in her life already. Make sure she has the best pregnancy she can.

Confused Do you remember what it was like to be infertile?

MargaretCavendish · 02/06/2017 21:18

She's probably had a lot of hurdles in her life already. Make sure she has the best pregnancy she can.

A key worker who is constantly struggling internally and inevitably devoting a lot of her energy to just not trying to show that isn't a good way of 'giving her the best pregnancy'.

Garnethair · 02/06/2017 21:22

If you can't support this woman OP (and I absolutely see your point of view and fully sympathise with it), I don't see any way that you can carry on working with her. This isn't one of those fake it til you make it situations.

BlondeB83 · 02/06/2017 21:23

Talk to your manager, I'm sure they will be sympathetic. Many people on here don't seem to get it, poor OP is going to have to go through all the motions of pregnancy with someone, whether they have LD or not is entirely irrelevant here! When struggling with serious fertility issues this would be like a living hell.

Good luck OP Flowers

deckoff · 02/06/2017 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinBigly · 02/06/2017 21:25

Speak to your manager OP. If you cannot support this lady properly because of the effect it will have on you then it's best for both of you that she has another keyworker who can.

It's clear that you would struggle to support her during the pregnancy and would definitely struggle once the baby is born. This lady deserves the best support possible and it's good that you acknowledge that it won't be you. Nothing wrong with admitting that at all.

Unfortunately in my experience all of my clients/SU's who got pregnant (5 of them) have ended up having their children removed and it's absolutely heartbreaking. Sad

peachgreen · 02/06/2017 21:26

OP, I'm so sorry for some of the comments you've had here. People don't seem to understand that managing to congratulate friends on pregnancies before going home for a cry is a very different prospect to providing one on one care for a pregnant woman. I miscarried last year and struggled to conceive, and there is absolutely no way I could have been around a pregnant woman on a daily basis at that time, let alone provided support and care for her. To be honest, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, this isn't even just about your feelings - you wouldn't be the right person to care for her right now as it would be so painful for you. I really, really feel for you, OP. I'm sure your manager will understand.

Milktraylover · 02/06/2017 21:28

clearly there are a fair few on here who like myself have struggled with infertility. Some have overcome and others like myself have not. We all cope with it differently. Op, only you can decide what is right for you. If you feel your managers will understand then do this. It is obviously very raw and difficult for you. It will get easier, you will either conceive or find another route or you will learn to adjust and take joy where you can. It's not all doom and gloom forever. I was a nursery manager when I found out. I tried for a few months and I left. I couldn't do it. I eventually went back to it, when I was ready but I needed to be away from it all. It helped. Do what is right for you