To feel like I can't work with pregnant service user?

[Isthismummy]

I work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Today I have just been informed by my manager via email that one of my main service users, a woman in her mid twenties, is pregnant. The father also has LD and it's a very delicate situation.

I've been fruitlessly trying for a baby for over a year and was recently diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. It's been the worst year of my life and some days I can barely hold it together. There have been some dark, dark moments.

I am this young woman's main worker and she makes up the bulk of my hours (zero hours contract) I will now basically be expected to support her with this pregnancy, probably from scans, to mothercare shopping and through until after the baby is born.

I cannot do it. I'm a strong person, but this is the one scenario my mental health just isn't up to coping with. I'm in tears just thinking about having to deal with it.

AIBU? I feel like I'm going to have to talk to my manager, but it's such a deeply personal thing to discuss.

I just don't feel strong enough for this

The OP's position is even worse than having to face other pregnant women. One can avoid family/friends/colleagues to a certain extent, or try to tune them out, but in this job the OP not only can't do that, she is being paid to be constantly supportive, nay enthusiastic .

I couldn't do it. Posters telling the OP to rise above it, or to vicariously enjoy the woman's pregnancy are either much better people than I am or stone cold. OP, I would talk to your manager asap and explain that you can't continue in this role. You should not be guilted into an at best miserable and at worst nervous breakdown territory period of time.

Deck I am listening I just dont agree that its fair to resent others/stop speaking to friends because of something they have no control over.

I am not being silly either....why the put downs?
I know the person I am and I have suffered too in life but I dont put my feelings on to others even though some would say ut was justified. I am sorry if you think I should.

Margaret am I not allowed feelings?

It's not that you aren't allowed feelings flossy, but part of life is for people to understand that there are times when their feelings don't actually need to be shared, when how they think isn't something that should be accorded any importance. This is one of those scenarios.

Those of us who haven't gone through this have no idea how we'd react and certainly no business telling other people what we'd do. Stay in your lane.

I think its important that people know how their actions effect others.

Agree. I think it's important that you understand how difficult it would be for a woman experiencing infertility to read your posts.

flossy yes you're right in an ideal world. No one would choose to be jealous or sad because someone else is pregnant and they are not. We are only human though, and unfortunately sometimes you feel emotions you cannot control. In my opinion, Infertility is one of the worst events to create such feelings as it deals with a primordial instinct to reproduce. perhaps hard to understand if you haven't experienced infertility yourself.

I do understand Margaret and with that I dont blame them for the way they feel but that should not cancel out how others feel.

Its like saying "fuck off I can hurt you because of this thing you did not cause and you have no right to object*"

Stay in your lane!

Yeah that will help people understand and have sympathy.
I refuse to enter in to a petty blame game my hurt is worse than yours competition.

Talk to your manager, this isn't the right time for you to be supporting this woman, it wouldn't be good for her or you.

Chatty i completly understand you cannot help feeling jealous or resentful. I am not saying people should turn off their feelings but projecting them on to others and hurting them so they feel your pain is wrong.
A poster earlier said she stopped talking to a friend for 6 months because she was pregnant.

What a tricky situation OP- on the one hand continuing to support your service user is the hardest thing and on the other it is something you are very good at.

Have a chat with your managers and see what they think. Could it be you remain involved with this young woman but someone else takes on the lead role after a handover period from you?

There will be many challenges in working with this client group and may raise many difficult subjects, it's just the work at the moment is particularly painful to you. With good supportive supervision structure in place you should be able to get through this and continue working in this area (perhaps with a different service user).

Good luck - you can do this.

Gosh, flossy. I just think that if I had normal fertility I'd be so much nicer and more generous about it than you're being. I'd be grateful for my good fortune and have no expectations at all of women who were less lucky. I guess we're just different people: hypothetical me is just so much nicer than you.

How did that feel?

Do you honestly, truly think your remarks are going to help people experiencing infertility have sympathy with you flossy? Or that they should be trying to understand us, rather than us they? Because honestly, that would show an unbelievable lack of self awareness.

Look, as a fertile woman with friends and family experiencing infertility, I know that can be difficult. I have had to tell a close friend about an unplanned pregnancy knowing she'd been trying for 3 years. I was sitting there at work 7 months gone when my colleague's sister was rushed into hospital about to experience very premature delivery, and she was crying. Those things were awkward as fuck. They weren't fun for me at all. And you know what? It still wasn't me who was the one more deserving of sympathy then. It still wasn't the people with fertility problems who needed to make the effort to understand the feelings of others. Infertile people aren't oppressing us by being upset when we're pregnant.

You're right not to enter into a petty blame game though, because on this particular subject, those of us who are fertile will lose.

Fair? Oh jesus.

It's not fair! Talk to me! I've got what you want and you're just jealous and i'm so hurt!

Talking about "service users" makes it sound very impersonal, but this job is not impersonal. Obviously we don't know what learning difficulties the girl in question has, but she is probably a combination of scared/excited/confused and the OP will be in the thick of it. She won't just be a pregnant colleague who the OP can walk away from.

As a previous poster observed, the OP is not a slave and has every right to walk away from a job she doesn't want to do - no matter what the reason, actually.

I'm so sorry you're going through this particular pain isthis. As other posters have said, far better than I will, I don't think you should beat yourself up for prioritising your own needs at this time. I hope your supervisor is someone you trust and you're able to share your situation openly with them.

For those who are upset when those suffering with the pain of infertility are not able to treat them objectively, I find the "ring theory" of complaining quite applicable. You can read about it here ring theory. Basically, don't bring your lesser complaints to the person who's at the centre of the trauma or pain. They, and only they, get to decide how to handle their own pain. Ie, if you're hurt a friend won't see you, that's a perfectly acceptable response, but it's a lesser pain than theirs. So make sure you complain about it to someone else, further down the ring. Don't voice it to the person who's going through it. It's like complaining to somebody who has cancer that you are struggling with your new haircut. I'm sure not many people would do this in real life, but a forum thread is a bit of a grey area.

My jaw has hit the floor reading some of these responses. OP is a skilled and experienced support worker who has the insight to recognise that this would be a situation in which her own pain would get in the way of her being able to do her job to the highest standard. She should be bloody commended for her honesty and professionalism- because in social care professionalism is not about ignoring your feelings and reactions and plugging on regardless. You have to recognise where a situation impacts on the work you do, and have the courage to say when you are not able to work with a particular individual or situation.

I almost hope op that you've taken the decision to back away from the thread because of the lack of insight that some people are showing (both into infertility and a caring/support role) is astounding.

When we work with people in the way you do we give it our all. Right now, because of your circumstances you really can't. This isn't about enduring a blooming friend at a bbq complain about swollen ankles. This is working alongside someone to prepare them, every day, for the very thing you want most of all and can't have. I think it would be cruel in the extreme to put yourself through that at immense personal cost. Not to mention your very professional concern that you wouldn't be able to do the best job of things. So speak to your supervisor and make a managed plan for hand over.

In the meantime take very good care of yourself. Treat yourself as well as those you care for

Sympathies for a difficult situation OP, I just wanted to suggest you ask to delete this thread though as it could be identifying.

Margaret it does not make me feel anything that you think you are a better person than me.
Putting me down clearly works for you.
Unless i have a blind your behaviour is acceptable view you think I am a bad person.
I dont think anyone on this thread are bad people. I dont think anyone should or can stop feelings. However because i dont agree that infertility should allow you to openly resent others or make them feel bad because of their pregnancy i am silly/nasty/awful blah blah blah.

We wont agree and my intention was not to upset anyone. So i shall leave the thread as its clear my being here is wrong and upsetting.

However because i dont agree that infertility should allow you to openly resent others or make them feel bad because of their pregnancy i am silly/nasty/awful blah blah blah.

No, it's because you decided you just had to tell that to a load of infertile people, and then for good measure decided to bullshit about how you'd behave in their situation when you have no idea.

You don't actually have to share something just because you think it, you know. It's ok to keep quiet, to disagree silently. And you certainly don't have to fertilesplain.

Like lots of other posters have said - you need to look after yourself. I can't imagine how this must feel for you and if I were I your situation I don't think I could go through with it either.
I understand the trouble with your service user and support. I work in the same sort of role as you, but with older people. As awful as it may feel to have to distance yourself, you do need to look after yourself and your own mental health. I've had to do this once or twice for other reasons. I'm sure if you speak to your manager they will understand and come to a solution for you and to find your hours in other ways with other service users hopefully.
Best wishes

So i shall leave the thread as its clear my being here is wrong and upsetting.

Jesus, you really don't get it. It's not your presence that's upsetting, it's your shitty and insensitive views. I've just realised that you've obviously had the experience of an infertile friend not wanting to be around you and that's why you're obsessed with this being 'cruel'. The thing is, again, it was almost certainly about your own behaviour and lack of empathy.

I think you should talk to your manager and get this woman's care transferred to someone else. I had three miscarriages before I had my dd, and I vividly remember the totally visceral horror of being invited to lunch by a friend after the first miscarriage, and finding that she'd also invited another friend who was six months pregnant. It took everything I had not to turn and run. It wasn't jealously, or resentment, it was something else. I can't even describe it, but until you have been in a similar position (as the OP is about to be) then I don't think you are qualified to discuss. Even now, that reaction is still there, smaller and less gutting, like some kind of Pavlov's dog reaction, when I am confronted with a pregnant woman or a new baby.

I hope you are able to transfer her. It is an awful situation for you to have to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You need to look after yourself and get her, or yourself, transferred.

FGS.
Bloke writes on DadsNet
'I am doing this job. Its pissing me off. Can't quite put my finger on why. Should I sack it?'

Yes
God yes
Just leave mate
Why stay if you don't like it
Just go
Yeah.

Woman talks about incredibly difficult work situation and discloses terrible emotional pain.

Oh dear not sure you should just leave
You need to think about the other person
What if she loses her baby because of you?
You need to be professional
You need to just get on with it.
THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE FOR GODS SAKE THINK OF THE OTHERS.

Its utterly ridiculous.
The OP does NOT have to support someone else in a paid capacity else if it is causing her pain. She has no legal or moral obligation so put HER pain aside for the next year and beyond because she happens to be in a caring profession.
It is better for everyone if she is not forced to support a pregnant woman at this point in her life.