to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

TheSparrowhawk - you are fucking great

I don't understand why women don't aspire to have a big job part time. So "pulling their weight" financially but having the hours for free time and family life. I seem to know tons of people who run about working full time and being frazzled all the time, and plenty who have a pootling part time job and free time. Why is it not such a thing (as a PP does) to outearn your full time-working partner while working part time?

Also, I decided today to get a dishwasher. So fed up of having to rewash things that DH has got a bit wet and then stacked on the draining board. Robots are the way forward.

My only two issues with it are that it is not tangible and therefore can be under appreciated.

So true. Also it is predominantly done by women, whose work is always undervalued in favour of work done by men. As soon as the switch in who does the work is made (e.g teaching as a profession), the work becomes undervalued.

My dh has absolutely no idea how much effort I put into sorting/thinking/planning mentally for our family - because he has never really done it - and he is not the worst by a long shot. he works very hard in a difficult job but I have every idea what that is like because I also worked very hard in a professional difficult job.

I don't understand why women don't aspire to have a big job part time.

Because there aren't many of these jobs around and most of them require you to put in years of really hard full time work before going part time (and getting also off the elevator). I know because I did this. But I didn't earn more than my husband. I earned more than many men but his earning soared because he stayed full time and I was the default parent. Even if I wasn't, my maternity leaves took their toll.

Having a really well paid part time job means not being able to take any chances with your career FOR YEARS to get to that position, then you are pretty stuck unless another employer will accept the terms you negotiated with your existing employer, I am sure some ambitious career orientated men do this, but I don't know any...

I'm a teacher and for the 'bigger' jobs in teaching (assistant head, deputy head, or even head of department etc), there's no way you'd be able to be part time. Part time normal classroom teachers must make timetabling pretty complicated as it is (though there are certainly plenty of them).

I have a well paid PT job - 0.8fte. I have an excellent employer. It has, however, definitely hampered my career progress. The people (mainly men) who work long hours and do extra networking in the evenings get the top performance ratings and promotions.

"I do take on the mental load, but that's ok as is something I do naturally and my husband doesn't."

Ah, that old chestnut!

I'm embarrassed because in our home it's the other way around. DP has a constant running list of tasks in his head, he makes meal plans and shopping lists weeks in advance, does all the cooking now we have a baby I am breast-feeding.

I am on mat leave and thought I would have so much time to cook and clean, but some days I don't even get a chance to wash myself and barely get time to pee :(

I've always been the more dopey of us about Stuff That Needs Doing, but since baby I feel utterly useless. We're moving soon, and I really need to make sure I pick up some of the work around that, because I can't help but wonder why he doesn't question the usefulness of this sick-stained, milk-leaking mess of a woman in his organised, meticulous and ambitious life!!!

Eh...you just produced a baby lela and now you're feeding it from your body. I think that's quite enough work for one person!

We're talking about healthy men who are getting a full night's sleep and not constantly looking after a newborn, men who just can't be bothered to do their fair share.

Blimey , some of you have married dependent children and bred more. The kid who is off on his year long pissup , sorry, going travelling, and a parent is buying the condoms? If the kid is paying for the long holiday he should buy his own. And if he isn't , why is he going at all?

Just one example. Why put up with doing life admin for an adult? Sort out who does what when you shack up, and if it isn't working, discuss like adults. If it gets refused, consider whether you want to breed more.

Tedious life admin is part of the deal with having kids , but still having to do it for a gappie shows upbringing error. Doing it all for two adults shows doormat behaviour.

Doing it all for two adults shows doormat behaviour

I totally disagree. I do all the admin, DH struggles a bit with that kind of stuff and I am organised.

There are plenty things he does that I never do. Changing lightbulbs, taking out the rubbish, unblocking toilets, mowing the lawn, going to the dump, cleaning out the fridge. all weekend cooking, any small electrical jobs, woodworking jobs, anything computer or TV related.
I really don't see how having a division of labour makes me a doormat.

specialsubject it's my son you are talking about. He's going travelling during the summer only, not for a whole year, he'll be working and he's off to an area where AIDS is rife. For your information he has ASD and can't be relied on to think about or sort out things like that for himself.

It's his first time away from home on his own. I'm sure you're a perfect parent, but please don't criticise others because they don't live up to your own high standards. We're all just trying to do our best by our kids in the best way we know.

I really don't know why I have to justify myself to anyone on here actually. Mumsnet used to be a place for support, sharing experiences and advice. Increasingly it seems to be a place where people come just to have a go at others.

(Political threads excepted!)

used to be a place for support, sharing experiences and advice. Increasingly it seems to be a place where people come just to have a go at others.

I second this. It's not what people say, it's the nasty way it's said. I doubt people are quite so fighty IRL.

I don't deal with in law birthdays, Xmas, mothers day etc. DH does his own but only bothers with his mum anyway.
He deals with bins, garden, cat feeding (we have a lot of cats), cat food purchasing, electrics, repairs etc, he's handy. He'll iron a shirt for work but not the whole basket.

But if I didn't sort it out, we would not have human food, car tax, car & house insurance, passports or any bills paid. All of the mental shit basically.

We have a cleaner but in the days when we didn't, I'd say that 80% of the housework fell to me.
We got a new washing machine this week, I'm waiting for him to ask me how to use it.

I out earn him by a lot and have a substantial commute. He has a low paid but tiring job and he often works a longer day than me.

His favourite trick is to find something really important to do when the grocery shopping needs putting away.

He's lived alone and been in the army so no excuse really.

specialsubject If you look up-thread, you'll see that I (and others) have explained why we end up doing life admin. In summary, it's because otherwise our kids end up losing out. Dropping in, accusing other posters of being doormats, and of 'upbringing error' was, IME, uncalled for. I'm not being the 'thread police' and of course you can say what you want - but I'd like to stand with Grumpy on this one.

I really, REALLY share your frustration. It's draining. I don't think all relationships/households are like it, but mine has whirlpooled into this. I feel really trapped.

There is a name for this! H tries to make out I am unhinged when I bring it up.

His favourite phrase is "you didn't tell me that". I have started taking the mick in front of family/friends when he says this.

I also tell him I'm not the calendar! Would never live with another man again. And trying my best to make sure DS is different.

When I do the grocery shop I:

Plan a week's meals
Check the cupboards
Write a list
Go to the shop
Unpack the shopping
Put away the bags

DH went shopping yesterday. He:

Went to the shop

I:
Planned a week's meals
Checked the cupboards
Wrote a list
Took a photo of the list and sent it to him when I realised he had left it behind
Unpacked the shopping (DC1 helped)
Put away the bags

I don't think he has ever done the planning bit.

I don't really need him to get better at it, mind you; in return I am avoiding having any involvement at all in day to day finances including eg dinner money, gas bill etc.

Oh dear - this is what I'm like I think.

I think it is a primary parent thing. My DH is a SAHD and I work full time, and he just knows all the stuff and what needs doing and I don't.

I can wash my own clothes on a standard wash, but cannot cope with laundry that requires the reading of the washing runes (as they are known in our household).

I do cook all the dinners and hence have the meal planning role, but otherwise I'm pretty clueless.

I think it is a primary parent thing. My DH is a SAHD and I work full time, and he just knows all the stuff and what needs doing and I don't.

I don't think it necessarily is: a female friend works 1.0fte with a SAHD at home and even though he's excellent at hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, school runs etc, she's still the one replying to party invitations and booking dentist appointments and making sure school shoes fit.

Holy fuckamole!
Thank Christ there's a name for this and that it isn't called "just one of those things!".
Now I realise why I call my DP "half-a-job Poncho".

Sure, the bins will get emptied but the bags aren't replaced. Never occurs to him to buy household consumables like loo paper (thankfully he was complaining last weekend (to his DM ) about the brand of loo roll I buy, so I said it was miles better than the stuff he buys...