to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

I recently broke up with my partner and realised how fucking little he did. Practically everything in the house was bought, made and/or planned for by me. It now takes me just 15 minutes a day to do the chores he used to do.

He did however manage to log on to online banking and stop paying into our joint account, within days of us splitting, which just goes to show that his 'disorganisation' was utter bullshit and only there when it suited him.

Sorry - rant over!

Hillfarmer - I'm neither married nor a mother, but I really empathise with what you wrote. My DP was also a high performer with a genius level IQ (literally) but let's just say that his abilities were... selective.

I also agree Hillfarmer. I think it's mental laziness.

I never deal with inlaw birthdays for example. So they just never get anything. No doubt it's me that looks bad though and not dh!
My ex mil started reminding me of exes relatives birthdays the day we moved in together - I laughed the first few times and pointed out that he was an adult, and could remember them himself. It was relentless tho, with this and everything to do with running a house. If I didn't out the bins out (his job, seemed simple and v quick, the sort of thing he might actually do), they didn't go out, and we'd have to fill the car with rubbish and take it to the tip. If I didn't do the washing (supposed to be evenly shared), it didn't get done, until the dirty clothes were in 3 bin bags by the laundry bin, and he just wore dirty clothes that smelled sweaty.
He always agreed to change, but also said 'how can I know what to do unless you tell me?'.
When we were close to splitting up, he agreed to now the lawn over the weekend. About 6pm on Sunday, I decided I'd rather have it done than chase him, and went out and started it. After 5 mins he came out and took over, which seemed an attempt to make an effort and I thanked him, pleasantly surprised. But when he came in, he sulked all evening, because, in his view, he had other things he wanted to do at that time, and I had effectively forced him to do cut the lawn.
I realised then that he was always going to do anything to get out of even helping (let alone acting like an equal partner).
Its been much easier with just me and the DCs, I was worried about the extra loads, but honestly, it was easier just to know I was doing it (and as they've got older, they're actually doing some thing just because they need doing, without being asked, so maybe there's hope!).

Some of this criticism is a bit harsh.

I do the "wifework" because I have the time. My OH is very capable of doing it, but he works 60 hours a week. My youngest is 17 years old and I work only 15 hours a week.
When my OH is home I prefer him to be spending time with the family rather than chasing car insurance quotes/paying bills/ordering online shopping.

Nothing to do with power or status in our relationship.

*Some of this criticism is a bit harsh.

I do the "wifework" because I have the time. My OH is very capable of doing it, but he works 60 hours a week.*
In your situation, its completely fair for you to do more, I don't think anyone was suggesting splitting all chores down the middle, even if one partner works very long hours. But if both work fulltime, and in some cases PPs have said they have a more time consuming commute, surely its not unfair to say the house chores should be shared fairly evenly with their male partners?

I just grew up expecting thing to be equal and fair at home, but there are still plenty of people, including women, who think that's a radical idea. A relationship counsellor once told me I should be doing more at home because my ex was 'the breadwinner'...even tho we worked the same hours, and I earned more than him. When I pointed this out, she said I was being rather nasty (I would never, ever have brought up earning if she hadn't said that).

Some of this really resonates. For example, early on in our relationship, I asked DH to tidy the living room as it was a tip. He went in to do it and bizarrely decided to spend his time alphabetising the bookcase.

That sparked a discussion about house chores and so we sat down (this is before kids) and compiled a list of all the house jobs that we agreed needed doing. Then we took it in turns to pick which ones we wanted to be responsible for, like picking for a sports team, until we had half each. This worked pretty well for a while.

Then kids happened and the inevitable DH working all the time and the mental load being passed to me. We still do struggle but he's more aware of it being an issue and we talk about it and try and find solutions.

We now each have delegated cooking nights so on his nights he needs to plan what to make, make sure the stuff is in the fridge for it, and cook it by a reasonable time so the toddler can eat it before bedtime. It does work now but when we started this system, any one of these steps could trip him up and it was bloody hard ignoring him and letting him get on with it instead of swooping in and just making DS some last minute emergency eggs on toast or something.

Part of it involves getting him into a routine so he doesn't have to think about it, rather than me project managing him. So he has reminders that he's set going off on his phone all the time to cook dinner/iron his shirts/take bins (recycling/non-recycling) out etc.

After a massive discussion about the roles we were falling into after I read the wifework book, he negotiated with work to cut down from FT slightly so he has 1 day each week at home with DS, when I work. He takes DS to playgroup where he chats to the other mums (of course they're all mums) and hears them complain about how crap their partners are at pulling their weight, and how frustrating it is, which I think helps him realise he doesn't want to be like that.

I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant, with bronchitis and a torn rib muscle, and despite all of the above we're still having to have discussions about him cleaning the bathroom, putting laundry on so we have clean towels and sheets, hoovering the house and taking over cooking on my nights.

I can't help thinking if it was him sick and pregnant I'd just be doing all that without needing to be managed. But then those jobs are in my head but not his. I need to find a way of getting them on his radar too. And it annoys me that even the task of getting them on his radar is my job. Grrr. Sorry for the long mildly ranty post.

IME ( which is limited to only one, rather stubborn case ) , discussing and talking about this achieves bugger all. You need to be prepared to take action, which is easier on the housework front than on childcare.

By action I mean actually leaving it so the person whose job is is notices it and MOST IMPORTANTLY is inconvenienced by it.

This can mean putting up with a lot of mess for a long time until they learn.

Actually I think this is more about housework than the mental load so maybe not relevant .

I've forwarded this to my husband telling him that this I'd how I feel.

This is all so very familiar to me.
Our situation has improved significantly but this is as a result of me getting a promotion, involving frequent nights away, and dh's work almost disappearing during the recession.
The mental load is still not even but dh does a lot more household & dc related stuff than he used to.
I still do most of the housework & laundry, as well as any decluttering, tidying, sorting through kids clothes, planning, decorating etc.
It's exhausting & several times I have pointed out that I am a manager at work, with responsibility for making sure other people's work gets done, I don't want to be the manager at home too.

I do identify with this. My DH is one of the "good guys", if you like, although it makes me cringe that doing only slightly less than a fair share is considered "good"! He has defined jobs (every nappy change when he is at home, putting bins out, some picking up and running to activities) and will empty the dishwasher and peg out washing and put laundry away without prompting. However, he doesn't seem to do what we call "family cohesion" - end to end planning of meals, holidays, events etc. Luckily I enjoy doing that and, as a SAHM, it gives me a sense of accomplishment - as sad as that might sound!

If I ever return to work we will have to have a serious rethink of roles, so Ican absolutely identify with those who have struggled after mat leave. I have so many friends who work PT with DHs FT - 5 days out of 5 he rolls out of bed, quick shower, grabs breakfast and goes. On her working days she gets up at some ungodly hour to allow herself time to shower, gets 2 kids off to nursery and school and then begins her 8 hour working day - same at the other end. I don't want that for us.

I do think society can make expectations of men extremely low, though - look at what a useless article Daddy Pig is, the incompetence of Homer Simpson and how "funny" it was laughing at Jim Royle. My friends and I sometimes do it inadvertently too - laughingly saying "did daddy dress you today" and using the term "babysitting" about children's fathers parenting for a few hours. We are all young (30 or under), intelligent feminists with kind, supportive DHs (and a great friendship network and active social life) so goodness knows how hard it is for some women with different frames of reference to avoid that.

Example, I went out to do my hobby for few hours, left him with toddler DD. Came home to house hoovered, floors mopped, roast dinner on the table and the fish tank cleaned. No prior instructions necessary and I wouldn't expect anything less.

Bloody hell, I need to marry @kiwiquest brother in law!

Me and DH have been discussing the mental load topic over the last few days. He is sympathetic but i'm not sure if he completely gets it. I came down this morning and he very excitedly announced that he had been listening to a Justin Fletcher CD with our DS and discovered that Justin has a song all about the mental load! He proceeded to play There's A Hole In My Bucket! And you know what, he's right. Poor Liza is a classic victim of the mental load. The Justin version is particularly accurate, at the end Liza declares how exhausted she is.

The mental load is more than just division of labour, it's about having to keep track of what needs doing, budgeting and planning (every time I clean my kitchen I'm never just cleaning the worktops - I'm thinking about how to tackle the long-overdue job of getting it replaced - cost, timing, design, potential disruption and how it will affect everyone).

He proceeded to play There's A Hole In My Bucket! And you know what, he's right. Poor Liza is a classic victim of the mental load
How true!
This is how things are normalised, we accept them as just what naturally happens....until we don't
Untill we wake up one day and think 'fuck that shit, I am never living with a man again, do your own fuckjng wifework'

It's so lovely and relaxing without the burden of a live in partner, I will never do it again

the incompetence of Homer Simpson and how "funny" it was laughing at Jim Royle

Seems to me that we used to just laugh at it and not look any deeper, not consider the ways in which feigned domestic incompetence worked to men's advantage
But now we are seeing that not only does it mean they don't have to do all those boring tasks they also have all that extra mental energy to devote to other more enjoyable and personally fulfilling thjngs

And so I tell my daughter always look after number one, never put a man's needs before your own

With me and my DH its a mix of gender roles and personalities.
We both work FT. I am a total 'Type A' personality. I manage a large team, am very organised, like to be in control, good multi tasker. DH is more 'Type B'. Very chilled, not ambitious, verging on lackadaisical.

DH probably does 40% of the housework/parenting, sometimes less, but only about 10% of the mental load. As a PP mentioned, DHs laidback attitude has negative effects on him personally (he forgets to confirm nights out with mates, goes to running events without the relevant paperwork) so it's not just a case of him deliberately shirking. But there's no doubting he relies too much on me to organize and remember.

Recently, as my mental capacity is exhausted by having to remember all family stuff, and everything at work (30+ staff), i have started to take a back seat with other things. I now never organise nights out/weekends away with friends ( I just go along with whatever has been booked), I never engage with fundraising for PTA ( just turn up and hand over cash), and I never agonise over DIY/home design (just make snap decisions with DH). I also dont get involved in any present buying for DHs family.

It's amazingly liberating. I feel like I'm taking my DHs attitude to things, and its surprisingly easy to opt out ( as men do constantly! ).

Its amazingly liberating. I feel like I'm taking my DHs attitude to things, and its surprisingly easy to opt out ( as men do constantly! )

Indeed. It's also amazing how all these men who are so competent at work become so laid back / forgetful /unable to make decisions / easily confused at home.

Nice to have a name for something I've been complaining about for years. I find it frustrating that while my brain is full of remembering PE kit and dentist's appointments, he has the luxury of concentrating on his work, or his video games, or whatever the f* he feels like.

I think another part of this messed up system is to do with where our standards come from....

Part of the reason why I want these household tasks done to a certain standard is because I know the judgement would fall on me if they weren't completed. So if someone popped round and the house was a tip they would associate that with me and not with DP; I therefore have a vested interest in getting them done.

I'm not being particularly articulate but it's hard to unpick when you've been part of a cycle for decades / generations.

What's helped my mental load is getting stuff out of my head in the first place. Read Getting Things Done years ago and try to use the principles. Automating things (we have six week menu and have three saved fortnightly online shops that I click and have delivered). It doesn't help with the gender crap, but it eases my burden. In laws don't get cards/presents unless DH remembers and sorts it himself. I'm sure they think I am a dreadful wife, but I couldn't give a monkeys. DH is pretty useless, but on balance it's better to have him than not. I can go out or away and children will be fed healthily, be happy, have been taken to their activities (because they are old enough to tell him) and the house is "good enough". No laundry or mopping, but washing up done and a hoover round before I reappear. I work part time, but he does nearly all school runs. But, yes, I am the manager and organiser and the completer of tasks. I daydream about living alone.

It's not as simple as saying 'I only work pt so I don't mind carrying the mental load ' if the reason you work PT is BECAUSE you know your DH won't carry the mental load.
Read the relationships board. ....

It's not as simple as saying 'I only work pt so I don't mind carrying the mental load ' if the reason you work PT is BECAUSE you know your DH won't carry the mental load.

My husband would of course if he had to.
But he doesn't. And I don't mind. I enjoy running an efficient home. And he loves having all that stuff done for him.
We are both winners.

There are plenty of pp on this thread (and many others ) who say they work PT mainly because they couldn't cope with doing all the mental load and wifework at the same time as working FT.

We teach people how to treat us. Why resent what you can easily change? I don't have any 'mental load' and no room in my life for any man who causes work for me. I've better things to do. It's a choice.

This is just how I have been feeling the last few months -a year. I have stopped doing stuff automatically. If the kids need clean clothes, they need to get the dirty ones by the washing machine, not a big task, but they are slowly coming to terms with the task. My husband does help in driving people places, but it is me who has to remember times, when, where, who plus get them fed by the time they need to go. I have had massive hissy fits at the lot of them recently, because they won't listen to me when I ask them to do anything and the total lack of help I get. Normally, I have decided and booked holiday by Jan/Feb. This year I told the lot of them I wasn't doing it, if the wanted to go on holiday, their dad had to do it. It's taken him until today to figure out I wasn't kidding, and yet I still had to get my kids to ask him where we were going! He is currently on the computer looking( and finding out why I book so early,as its going to cost a fortune!) but he was waiting for me to finish my cup of tea so I could do it with him, I had to tell him to make a start! One hour later he has got a list of 20 places we could go, based on price! I told him to narrow it down to 4 with cooking facilities and pool, then show me! I am even having to help him through this too. In general, every little thing is run by me or he asks questions about it. Driving me insane!