to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

I'be spent the last year or so doing the same fanfrickin, its painful but slowly the balance is starting to shift in the relationship.

I think you struggle as well if standards are different. I'm very conscious of what the kids eat as two have an autoimmune disease and so I like to make sure she has a lot of vitamins. My dh not so much. I don't know if it's upbringing or the difference between male and female brains. But having two Sen kids all of their stuff falls to me and although I now don't work it does feel a lot to carry. The whole women can have it all feels like a double edged sword. Great but then women end up working and dealing with the home stuff.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat my problem is that I am like your dh, I can't forward plan and make decisions - i'm expert at living in the moment and being happy - but agonise to decide between 2 things, so having sole responsibility for the minutiae is an even bigger burden add to that the responsibility of planning for my partner and coparent and having to ask and tell them what needs to be done. it's just an overwhelming constant burden

Whiter whites?
well that's trivial women's stuff isn't it

Except when he doesnt have clean clothes to wear to work and there's a big stain on his image as a competent professional 🙄

Me too.

Last night I was trying to engage him in a conversation about what kind of car seat we need for HIS car. He acted like I was pinching him. He keeps taking promotions at work, which is grand for him but increases my responsibilities at home. This is why his career advances so much faster than mine. He gives his career all his energy. I tried to block the last promotion. I said "please don't" "it isn't fair." He wore me down, I had a 2 month old baby and he wore me down (gently, with humour).

I'm only a few months back from maternity leave with baby number 3, and find that we got into some really bad habits while I was on leave. DH does most of the cooking, half of the laundry, and all of the outdoor work. He drives to about 30% of kids activities. But he can't plan for more than 3 days ahead at home and yet HE HAS A VERY RESPONSIBLE JOB. Work people always bang out about how calm, even, and capable he is.

I followed through on the car seat conversation. I need to follow through more often.

Yesterday DH forgot to put out the bins and to take meat out of the freezer for dinner and I was close to going ballistic. I think about everything else, taking the bins put is his job and I detest going into the freezer, it sets my teeth on edge and he knows it. So help me if he forgets the bin next week it isn't going out, and if he forgets meat again he's not eating.

...and what drives me even more nuts - sorry, this is now just ranting, but hey-ho - is that I bear the costs of his cock-ups. I have no problem leaving him to run out of clothes or not have milk in for breakfast, but if the new house has no plug points in the kitchen or the workmen refuse to come back because the coving they're supposed to install is in bloody Northampton, I'm the one who suffers.

peace I'm just struggling to understand how to take things from him verbally agreeing that this is a problem and wanting to change things, to that actually happening. What I'm trying at the moment is, "A, B and C are yours to deal with. Make sure that by [date] x and y are done." But then I'm still project managing. And I still have the mental load of worrying that he'll cock it up.

No, you are not. Unless they've lived alone I just don't think some men get it at all, because they've never had to do it. I have offloaded some wifework. I never deal with inlaw birthdays for example. So they just never get anything. No doubt it's me that looks bad though and not dh! One of his family members even commented shouldn't purpleminionmummy be sorting that, when he was doing their xmas presents one year. Admittedly he was working away, but he had time off and internet access, so why do I need to do it? I've also stopped answering stupid questions and ask him why at x age he does not know this or can't work it out by himself. It still pisses me off though. He wouldn't have a clue what the kids need for school, or what size they wear, or when they need the next visit to the dentist, or when the house insurance needs renewing or that sheds don't generally come in 5x5 sizes or what to use to clean the oven.

YANBU. I sent DH the link to the Guardian article a few days ago. he laughed at it & said he recognised himself in a few of the scenes. But is still fundamentally missing the point.

This week I woke up in the night fretting about DS who is about to go off travelling and making sure he has a plentiful supply of condoms. You'd think that fell fairly & squarely in the "Father-Son" realm, but when I mentioned it to DH the thought had never even entered his head to have another chat with DS about it. And I just know I'll need to keep reminding him before he does anything about it.

having to ask our partners to help? take out bins?

sizeofalentil yes - being expected to keep a mental inventory of what partner and whole family are eating THIS is driving me nuts too!

YANBU. I'm a SAHM so 90% of this stuff falls to me anyway, but when I was working it was a pain in the arse. Things like, I spent 2 years at home with the kids so I was feeding them steamed veg and lean meat for their dinners and sitting at the kitchen table with them and within a week of going back to work, they're clamouring to watch telly while eating a dinner of fish fingers and chips, because that's what "D"H has been doing with them on the days when he did the nursery pickups. It's just the lack of appreciation for the effort it took, over a year of providing a healthy example and it's up the spout in one week.

I'm looking forward to her one on emotional labour, which is massive for me.

Yes I totally relate to us having to suffer the consequences of their cockups too! I've learnt not to rectify them though and insist he does, whatever that means. It's hard but it's the only way.

sizeofalentil you need to nip that sort of thing in the bud right away.

I'm really shocked (though not immensely surprised) that a grown man would pull that sort of shit - "What, you said to take my rubbish to the kitchen when I went. You didn't say to put it in the bin…". I wouldn't even dignify that kind of crap with a reply. Once or twice my DH has pulled something bloody stupid like that and I've responded with something like "You must be fucking kidding me" and that's been the end of it. Thankfully. But I'm a bit worried about your partner in that description. I think you need to have a serious talk.

But he can't plan for more than 3 days ahead at home and yet HE HAS A VERY RESPONSIBLE JOB. Work people always bang out about how calm, even, and capable he is

I suggest that what he is doing is managing his mental resources according to his own priorities, he puts effort into his work because that benefits him, boosts his status and earning power.
At home he powers down and saves his mental energy forcing you to take the strain.
This means that you will never be able to channel enough energy into your career and he will always have the greater status and earning power.

Msqueen33 that's a strong opt out card when only mom can put the extra 1000% thought into kids care and you have no choice because safety of your kids paramount. i've had similar experience and the threat that the kids will bear the brunt if i don't step up and keep on worrying about and doing the boring stuff

Yep. Children + household + work + wanting things to be done competently = doomed to nitshit city.

I most of all resent having to oversee my husband through the tasks he is doing, or having to devote effort to training him to do it properly and/or dealing with the consequences of things not done properly.

It's just an ongoing dissipation of energy.

They're like overgrown children who need prompting and guidance with everything

And then they wonder why their relationships collapse. There's nothing more unattractive than being expected to have sex with somebody who's basically your kid. It's unnatural to be attracted to your own child, so I think this is why lots of women go off sex.

Men expect everything, yet give nothing

peace I'm just struggling to understand how to take things from him verbally agreeing that this is a problem and wanting to change things, to that actually happening
You can't, talk is cheap, he'll say what you want to hear and then carry on doing what he wants to
➡major head fuck stress and resentment for you
➡ even greater mental load
He got you over a barrel

We need to change this, how can we raise [most] sons so they don't behave this way as adults?

What happens to them between being raised, leaving home then settling down with a partner that kickstarts their inability to take on the mental load?

I have a similar problem with 'decision fatigue'. His turn to do say exDP wanted to cook dinner. He would ask what I wanted, what do we have in, should he go to the shop, where is the bread knife... Endless small decisions which felt like death by a thousand paper cuts.

DH does this - drives me nuts and I end up behaving like a teenager - sulky, argumentative and acting bloody awkward even against my best interests just to be awkward back. i always end up feeling in the wrong - though my response does mean it will be a while before I had to go though it again.

In fact a lot of the mental work I do try and throw back - he deals with his family and presents and anniversary - with cooking point out their his kids as well so he should know - though he doesn't try to do healthy meals.

and how do we raise girls so they don't take it on? My five year old DD made her bed this morning and tidied her room. she said 'Ive done this because you always do it Mummy'.
I also think women need to do more DIY stuff. I know my DSis relies a lot on my DH to do DIY jobs that are really quite easy. If we did this perhaps we could ease each others mental loads (I'm in no doubt that men are mostly told to be 'good' at DIY stuff when young and I don't approve). Thoughts?

"He does most of the cooking due to his hours at work and getting home earlier but we either have to wait till I get home from work to decide what we're having before he starts or I get an endless stream of food / shopping texts during the day.
He won't do a meal plan because that's 'boring' and restrictive."

Cindbelly, what would happen if you told him he had to give you a list two days in advance, or buy the food himself if he doesn't want to plan ahead? And just ignore his texts on the day?

I am in a similar situation with my teen, who now cooks dinner twice a week, but in some ways it's easier for me because it's more clear that I get to call the shots. She knows that she either has to plan it all a few days ahead and give me the list so I can shop at my convenience, or deal with the consequences herself. Usually I ignore any panicked texts asking where we keep the vinegar or asking me to pick up something on my way home. I no longer prompt her for her shopping list either.

It's still a work in progress. I am sure dinner would be more tasty if I picked up the slack here, but we're heading in the right direction.

It's not impossible to change though ime, although it does involve a lot of talking. (or maybe I'm just very lucky). DH hoovers, tidies, shops, clears the draining board, washes clothes etc without any input from me and prefers it if I leave hanging the washing out to him. (Should say we both do - if we see something that needs doing we each just tend to get on with it.) I used to complain that he regarded all phone calls, bookings, tradesmen etc as being my job and he took the point. He will now phone a restaurant to book a table or buy travel tickets. He will still leave organising tradesmen to me but that's after a conversation where he explained why he thought that I was better at it than him and where he said in exchange he would deal with all the computer and technology related stuff. He will also now look at the recycling list on the noticeboard to see which bins go out when instead of asking me after a conversation when I pointed out that it wasn't my job to be household remembrancer. It helps that we are childless though, so only have nieces and nephews once a week overnight and can plan to make that shared work, including taking it in turns to decide what's for dinner, shopping for that and the following packed lunches and cooking it. Whoever cooks then gets a free pass from doing the dishes.

Luckily for me, having dc has fucked my short term memory up so much I can't be trusted to remember why I'm upstairs by the time I get there.

DH does the bins and I do the food shop online. The deal is neither of us has to give any headspace to the other's task so I couldn't even tell you what day the bins go. Equally, he has no idea how much milk costs. Other things are divvied up similarly, and once it's DH's job, it goes right out of my head it probably helps that DH can see if he left everything to me we would be living in chaos within days!

helpimitchy yes!! this is exactly the situation I get into - I become repulsed sexually because I'm resentful about all the other shit..and this is just a downwards spiral... that I'm supposed to read self help articles and books to understand and solve too

that does remind me of a friend who was trying to repair relationship after her dh had cheated and one night as she sat in bed weeping over advice in one of the many books on the subject on her bedside table looked over at him snoring,dead to the world and something snapped and she knew it wasn't for her and he had to go!

but that's a tangent, is it really possible to share the mental load?
is it accept or choose single parenthood, where at least the person you resent isn't in your face/ under your feet/ expecting you to have sex with them!