Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent the 'mental load'

304 replies

newnameoldme · 02/06/2017 10:19

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

OP posts:
peaceout · 04/06/2017 13:20

It's a gradual process Hilda, at the start the relationship feels like a partnership, when children arrive things shift and it's not a simple matter to change thjngs, often the burden of the mental load means you can't look at the situation objectively anyway

GrommitsEarsHurt · 04/06/2017 13:24

I worked part time when I went back after maternity leave but have long term health conditions and I have a lot of pain. So even PT work felt like full time to my body. I couldn't cope with my job (which was grinding me down), my health AND doing all the mental wifework crap.

After many discussions with DH about taking in more of the mental load, which ended with him agreeing at the time but nothing changing, I told him that I was leaving my job to be a SAHM. I wasn't willing to do paid work and wifework too, as I felt it took the piss massively.

Luckily, my DH is actually great at pulling his weight physically around the house and with DD, but the planning stuff just never occurs to him. I don't mind doing all that, I quite enjoy it, but no way was I willing to accept the responsibility and go to work too.

EwanWhosearmy · 04/06/2017 13:30

I didn't realise this had a name, but yes to all of it.

We had a "late" baby when our DC were teens, and it ended up being a CS delivery. For a time I dropped everything. Did he pick it up? No he didn't. Then we moved house across the country when DD was 2, and that was followed by my cancer dx and teatment.

I was out of action for 6 weeks following surgery, then another 4 months with chemo and I dropped everything. I did no wifework at all. That was 6 years ago and we are still struggling with the fallout from that year. Debts we ran up because he didn't take over the money. House falling apart because he didn't take over the maintenance/ cleaning, because there was nobody nagging him.

We had a row a couple of months ago when he complained that "nobody else" put the bins out. I pointed out to him that as there was only me and DD (10) who did he expect to put the bins out, and told him nobody else had put them out "because it's your job". He was genuinely shocked and I don't think it had even occured to him.

I'll still get home on a glorious day and say "didn't you put the washing out?" and he'll say he didn't know there was any....

EwanWhosearmy · 04/06/2017 13:32

oh, and somebody downthread mentioned the food thing. I've been raging about this for a while. When it's his turn to cook DH will raid the freezer/ cupboard for the easy stuff, so we'll get pizza, burgers and chips or spaghetti. So when it's my turn I get stuck with the meals that need proper effort.

Badgoushk · 04/06/2017 13:33

My husband and I both work. He works full time, I work part time, and when he's at home we share ever 50:50 in regard to parenting, housework, etc. I do the 'mental load' stuff, ie, remember friends' birthdays, school photo money, etc. But I LOVE the mental load!! I love having that overview of everything and wouldn't want it any other way.

Castieldeansam · 04/06/2017 13:34

Holiday update, just got called back to look at the cheapest holiday he could find, and not the 4 he liked the best as I had requested, and pointed out that 5 of us in a 1 bed apartment unlikely to work especially when the cooking facilities are a microwave!!! He has however looked up how much we paid for a holiday 2 years ago, compared to now,now £2k more. Even though I pointed out we booked early and through a budget site that has subsequently gone bust!!! So still not using his brain or listening to me!!!

Westray · 04/06/2017 13:51

It's not as simple as saying 'I only work pt so I don't mind carrying the mental load ' if the reason you work PT is BECAUSE you know your DH won't carry the mental load.

Same here. It's easier if one person knows whether there are peas in the freezer/when house insurance is due/knows the best plumber/does the laundry.

I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

peaceout · 04/06/2017 13:54

So when it's my turn I get stuck with the meals that need proper effort
I would cook healthy proper food for me and the kids and serve up junk food for him....since that's what he clearly prefers to eat 😆

Westray · 04/06/2017 13:54

Having the mental load/wifework also means I have control over when we buy new cars/washing machines/how to invest savings/when and if we go on holiday/what the kids eat.

Not anti feminist at all.

peaceout · 04/06/2017 13:55

So still not using his brain
Or using his brain to make sure he fucks it up so badly that you never leave it to him again

peaceout · 04/06/2017 13:57

Having the mental load/wifework also means I have control over when we buy new cars/washing machines/how to invest savings/when and if we go on holiday/what the kids eat
You do all the work
He gets all the benefits
you work for him

NoMoreAngstPls · 04/06/2017 14:13

I'm glad it works for you Westray. But I have no interest in being my Hs Secretary.

Westray · 04/06/2017 14:20

You do all the work
He gets all the benefits
you work for him

That's so funny.

I get no benefits? I have control over our financial situation. I have a huge amount of free time. I get to spend 4 mornings a week in the gym. I have time to lunch with my friends. I have time to have hobbies.

CinderellasBroom · 04/06/2017 14:34

peaceout You quoted:
So when it's my turn I get stuck with the meals that need proper effort
And then said:
I would cook healthy proper food for me and the kids and serve up junk food for him....since that's what he clearly prefers to eat 😆

But that just means you end up cooking two meals, one easy and one more complex / healthier. All because he didn't cook a decently healthy meal yesterday. And he gets food he particularly likes. I can see how that works for you if you a are surrendered wife by choice or if you've got too much time on your hands and not much to do, but not otherwise.

Stillwishihadabs · 04/06/2017 14:38

I think that's fine Westway, however a lot of us are carrying the mental load and working ft. FWIW we couldn't pay the mortgage without my salary, what do you think I should do ?

Westray · 04/06/2017 14:43

stillwish- we need my income too.

Stillwishihadabs · 04/06/2017 14:45

Oh you go to the gym 4 mornings a week, manage the house and work ft ?

Westray · 04/06/2017 14:48

I choose to work part time. If I worked full time I wouldn't do most of the "wife work".

Stillwishihadabs · 04/06/2017 15:50

I worked pt for 7 years too (while I had an infant school age child). But now I would be reducing my earning potential and pension in order that another adult didn't have to think about clean pants.

Westray · 04/06/2017 16:03

stillwish- each to their own.
I earn more in my part time work than my OH does in his full time job. I also pay more into my pension than he does.

TheSparrowhawk · 04/06/2017 16:05

I choose to work part time. If I worked full time I wouldn't do most of the "wife work"

If you did work full time, would your DH take on his share of the 'wifework'?

TheSparrowhawk · 04/06/2017 16:15

'I was out of action for 6 weeks following surgery, then another 4 months with chemo and I dropped everything. I did no wifework at all. That was 6 years ago and we are still struggling with the fallout from that year. Debts we ran up because he didn't take over the money. House falling apart because he didn't take over the maintenance/ cleaning, because there was nobody nagging him.'

I'm really sorry you went through this Ewan, and that you're still suffering from it, unnecessarily, due to your DH's incompetence.

I think this was the key element for me when things came to a head with my DH - the fact that I felt like, if things went wrong, he wouldn't support me. I told him that I felt like he had drained the life out of me, that I have put so much energy into our relationship and he had just taken that energy and used it for himself. I had, for some reason, believed that he would repay that energy at some point, but then something happened and it became clear that he had no intention of doing that. That in fact he didn't realise at all the amount of effort I had put in to supporting him and he didn't feel any obligation whatsoever to support me. It was so incredibly, crushingly disappointing. I felt like a fool.

I was set on divorce and it was only at that point that he started to listen. But even then he, with a totally straight face, said I needed to help him to get better. I was incredulous. I asked him if he seriously meant that, after riding on my back for 12 years to the point where I was near collapse, after failing spectacularly to support me in any way, he was still honestly expecting me to help him! Such was his expectation that I was there to assist and support him that even when I was threatening divorce he STILL expected me to put time and energy in to fixing him.

I just said no and I stuck to that rigidly. I was not going to give even more of my energy to making his life better when he would give me nothing. Even then he still wanted me to be a cheerleader, praising him when did the jobs that I had been doing over and over and over and over and over and over for years and years and years. Jobs I did while heavily pregnant, while I had a newborn, while I was pregnant again, this time with a toddler, while I had a toddler and a newborn and PND. Jobs he never once helped me with or thanked me for, even when I did them while delirious from lack of sleep or practically suicidal from depression.

He did turn it around. He now does at least his fair share. And you know what the ridiculous fucking thing is? I see him, a healthy strong man, doing a fraction of what I was doing while I was pregnant/breastfeeding/looking after a toddler and a newborn, and I feel guilty because he seems to be doing so much. Fucked up eh?

lizzieoak · 04/06/2017 16:27

I am a vegetarian. I recall being heavily pregnant and asking exh to put away the grocery bag that had his raw meat in it as the pregnancy was making me queasy. He said "Oh dw, anything to get out of working aye?" (After we'd driven home from the shops and he'd sauntered inside leaving me to make multiple trips to the car to bring in the bags at 7 months pregnant).

When, again very pregnant, I asked him to mow the back lawn (as he always had to be asked) he said "Oh dw, you're so bourgeois".

He was a prince.

peaceout · 04/06/2017 16:36

But that just means you end up cooking two meals, one easy and one more complex / healthier. All because he didn't cook a decently healthy meal yesterday. And he gets food he particularly likes
I know, it's not the best solution but I would (and do) refuse to eat unhealthy food and if my partner refused to cook healthy food I would say ok you eat rubbish and ruin your health, I will eat healthy food and cook same for the children.
Actually what I would do is refuse to cook for him at all if he took that approach

MafiaMoll · 04/06/2017 19:42

I do take on the mental load, but that's ok as is something I do naturally and my husband doesn't. Not a male/female thing. Just us. He does all the laundry, most of the cooking and cleaning and will support me going out, away for work etc. I help him to do this is by writing lists and continuing with the mental load from afar. My only two issues with it are that it is not tangible and therefore can be under appreciated. And it is (one of the) reasons I sometimes (often) lose my temper, as I just have too much to think about... even if mostly trivial stuff, like returning library books, it takes its toll... still would pick it over the laundry