to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

YADNBU

This. All of this. Helpful to have a term for it, but how to change it!

I have found this thread so interesting to read. So many people's experiences are similar to mine! When I read that cartoon I was like 'this thing I feel has a name!!!'

Our circumstances are that dp is dislexic and has always genuinely found organisation and planning difficult. In a way this helps as it depersonalises the arguments discussions we have about it.

Things we do are: some things are completely 'his' responsibility. Meals, ds party or football fixtures, car, presents for his side of family, optician, haircuts...etc. If we miss stuff, hair gets long etc- his problem. I have lowered house cleanliness standards. Ds is responsible for a lot of his stuff- if he forgets his pe kit/ dinner money/ loses something: his problem. In fact ds is good at remembering kit needs to be clean / party dates etc precisely because dp is in charge and he knows he might forget. I tell family to 'ask (dp)' when they send me planning type emails.

I still feel like I'm ultimately the one keeping everything together but definitely helps.

Oh, and don't agree with the 'he has a difficult job' meaning he shouldn't have to worry about this stuff. The two aren't competing with each other. My job is freakishly complex compared to dp's.

What drives me more mad then anything is his habit of taking on a job and doing only 90% of it.

I may have told DH to go fuck himself this week because of this kind of thing. He decided to sort the taps in the futility, and did absolutely everything except put the tools away afterwards, so when the toddler went for a wee he was then merrily playing with two screwdrivers and a chisel

I've literally just (as in yesterday!) ended a relationship because of largely this. We've been seeing each other for a while, bandied about the idea of maybe living together, (he was staying over most nights) and since then he's turned into a man who will lay on the sofa playing games on his phone while I run myself ragged getting everything done 😡 before saying "Do you want me to do anything?" when it's all done. This is a man who has survived living in his own place for 5 years, so clearly CAN do this stuff. Just devsided he'd like to slip back into 'this is women's work' territory.
Erm, no. Been there, done that, off you go.

Devsided = decided, sigh!

Bloody hell, I didn't know there was a name for this! My family are grown up now, and yet I still take on all their worries/problems to the point where everything that's causing me stress in my life is related to other people's problems. It doesn't help that literally the minute they have a concern over anything whether it be job/uni/car/housing or even holiday related, I get a text telling me about it. This automatically sends me into solving mode, and I find myself madly googling to try and sort things out. Even though they say they don't expect me to have the answer to everything, in my head I can't rest until it's sorted. So I feel your pain...if there's a way of switching off from this external worry I'd love to know about it.

I don't know why a lot of men think we actually want to do the boring crap anymore than they do! I don't massively want to research food allergies but I do because it's for our child.

Hmm, after reading more of the thread I realise I've slightly gone off piste...but just to add - everything else being discussed also applies to me as far as DH goes. I expected once the DCs grew up that I would have less stress and I don't, as they never tell him about their problems, only me.

Having loads of problems at the moment. One of the biggest I've been referring to is that I am the only one "adulting". But mental load describes it perfectly.

IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP TO HAVE A PARTNER WHO NEEDS DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS TO DO THE SMALLEST OF FUCKING TASKS.

Thank you for listening everyone.

Forgot to scream this bit...

AND WHO CANT SEE THE NEED FOR THE TASKS TO BE DONE BEFORE I POINT THEM OUT.

We have teenage children. We are fucking middle aged. I am sick of it.

everything that's causing me stress in my life is related to other people's problems. It doesn't help that literally the minute they have a concern over anything whether it be job/uni/car/housing or even holiday related, I get a text telling me about it

I can really relate to this

Just come back to rant...
pick your fucking shit up and close my stairgates/childlocks, you are fucking adults and i am not your bloody mother I have 3 children to look after already!
This thread is really quite cathartic....

I struggle to see how they can manage complex tasks at work but have to ask what an eight year old eats for lunch 😮😡

Yes, happens here. My mum has always maintained that all the thinking was the tiring part - as a teen I couldn't see it, but I really do now.

Interesting though that I see the same dynamic with a friend who is a LP & her mother, so it's not gender specific necessarily- if someone else is willing to take on the mental load for you and your kids (as wives do for husbands & children) then if you're self-centred enough you'll let it happen.

So, so true. I work ft OTH, I earn more than he does, arguably in a more complex and responsible job. Nevertheless all meal planning, food shopping, childcare issues (which take up an enormous amount of mental space) as well as the management of homework, timetables etc are down to me.
Dh is prepared to cook (if it is planned and shopped for) and will for eg supervise homework but only if he is told that's what he should be doing IYSWIM. I do think he has inkling what is involved as he is always extremely reluctant to discuss taking any of this on and generally has an epic fail when he does.

One of the things that really annoys me about DH is he is useless at prioritising. He always wants to rush off & do the most interesting thing to him, without taking account of the other jobs that need doing at home more urgently. This morning it's buying lawn fertiliser, when we have 12 people for dinner tonight & the house is a mess.

He's a CEO, FFS, surely he manages this sort of stuff in his work life.

It's the weekend, he's not at work. Yesterday he left early because it had been so quiet all week they'd resorted to watching YouTube videos of soap in a microwave.

Despite this, when DD woke up at 5am this morning. He ignored her and went back to sleep while I looked after her. When he woke at 7am, the fucker started moaning about how his sleep had been broken so had been in that dream/nightmare state. This is after 5 months of waking up to 9 times in the night.

Next thing: "DD's eye is red". Yes, she has eczema on her eyelids, I told you about it (after noticing it weeks ago, taking her to the GP and buying cream for it) several times. She has cream for it in her drawers. Ten minutes later, having not moved from the spot: "She's really scratching it isn't she?". Yes, she has a cream to help with that, which I guess I'm going to be the one to now fetch and put on while you navel gaze.

The thing is, he used to be the kindest, most considerate man I'd ever met and he still is to other people. It's as if he just got so comfortable around me he doesn't think before he opens his mouth.

He's a CEO, FFS, surely he manages this sort of stuff in his work life
This glaring incongruity is very useful to him, it's a major headfuck that leaves you angry confused and wondering what is true or false, adds to the mental load and means you don't have the mental energy to deal with his shirking

Bottom line is that the shirker is gaming the situation

This morning it's buying lawn fertiliser, when we have 12 people for dinner tonight & the house is a mess.

That reminds me of the time we were expecting house guests, so DH sent me and small DC out so he could straighten the house without their "help". I came back several frazzled hours later to find the house unchanged. He had sorted out the garage and was most wounded when I questioned his prioritising.

Way, way back in the thread, but this x 100:
I think women have been sold this lie of 'having it all', when in fact it's turned into 'doing it all'

My mum, who's 61 and was very engaged with feminism in the 70s at university, said to me the other day 'we really didn't win anything for you, did we?'

I commented on the thread in feminism earlier but I'm reminded now that dh and I decided once that he would take on the vacuuming twice a week.

I then had to nag him so much when to do it that I gave up and started doing it again because it was taking more if my energy not doing.

He now does the ironing and it gets done every week without fail. Why? Because he needs a shirt everyday for work.

Yes. This resonates so much. DH is happy to do just not to think. He will ask me the most inane questions and if I don't respond definitively then I'm being awkward. I will not do the DCs packed lunches. I will not do bins.

I tried to pass over other chores but my god it's painful. I'll put on a wash. What should I do - light or dark. Softener? Is this light or dark. Did you put the washing liquid in. Does the towel need in. When did you change the towel. Is this the softener? What about the upstairs towel? Is it light or dark. Should you put softener in the shop? Throw some nuts in too.

I could have had machine emptied, the wash on, set up the next one and had the washing off the airer by the time it's on. And be less stressed.

I'm a divorced parent so have to do 100% of the thinking as the kids have always lived with me (ex's choice). I work ft & am knackered every single day.

My best friend, a very sweet man, told me recently when I said my ds wasn't confident about cooking (ds is very keen to help, no complaints there), that men pretend not to know how to do stuff as they know women will whip in and do it if they act useless for long enough. I mildly said "do you do that to your dp?" "Of course!" He says cheerily, then seeing my face starts frantically backpedalling.

Imo the majority are doing it on purpose. The prioritizing category of fuckwittedness is because they just don't give a toss.

I had an argument with my DH last week, along the lines of being tired of being the one doing everything House/child/dog related and if it didn't change soon, I'd be off. Stomped off and took solace in my phone, where I food the article about the mental load. I showed DH the article, he read it, then, without saying a word, got up and left!

Looks like I'll be leaving then!