Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

166 replies

user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 08:50

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 02/06/2017 08:56

YANBU if you think you can't cope properly, or it'll make your life hard without having his help there.

It's a partnership and I think he shouldn't be so selfish.

Shoxfordian · 02/06/2017 08:56

A two day event once a year? I think you would be unreasonable to not want him to go. Why doesn't your baby take a bottle? Might this be an idea so you can express some milk and your husband can help with the feeding

Jollypirates3 · 02/06/2017 08:57

I understand you. However i might be in the minority here but i would let him go. I have 3 kids all under 5. Never had a night away from them only one when 2nd baby was born. 3rd was a home birth so i could stay with them. All breastfed. Dh has never given a bottle because they didnt like them. He is regularly away from work sometimes weekends. If he wanted to go away for a hobby i would have no issue with this. But i enjoy being at home and didnt like being in the office. I work from home now for dh business.

But like i said im probably in the minority here. Can he be more hands on when he comes back. Or can a friend or relative come and stay with you while he is away even just to take the baby so you can have a nap or whatever you enjoy doing?

mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 08:58

Well, I do sympathise as I feel like throwing mine into lake Windermere at the moment, but it does read a bit "I can't go away so neither can you, DH."

isntitapip · 02/06/2017 09:01

It's a 2 day event, and in the nicest possible way, you sound like a bit of a martyr. Get the baby to take a bottle and go out one in a while. If you don't want to that's fair enough but don't begrudge your husband a weekend break as a one off.
At the very least get him to do some night feeds. Nothing stopping him doing that.
How about him taking a day off the week before the weekend away do he can help out and give you a mid week break?

TwitterQueen1 · 02/06/2017 09:02

It's a once-a-year event and your baby is not a newborn. IMO you should let him go.
I remember how exhausting it all is but since most of your post is about how tied to the baby you are all the time I'm not sure what making him stay will achieve.

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2017 09:02

It is awful, isn't it? Massive sympathy OP, I remember how it feels.

Could you make a weekend trip to family, or have someone come to stay? Then he can go away but you still get some help. My family would travel up for this reason, to help out.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/06/2017 09:07

Sorry, YABU, and I say that as someone who has been in the same position as you three times, the first time combining it with working mainly from home so very very rarely got a break of any description.

It's 2 days, once a year. Things will become easier and you will be able to go out/away again. But your dh may not be thrilled about facilitating this if you begrudge him going on one annual weekend now, and tbh, I wouldn't blame him (much).

Angrybird123 · 02/06/2017 09:08

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Some mums can't bear to becaway from their babies whilst others, like me and sounds like you are perfectly ok with the idea but unless you get the bottle issue sorted you physically can't be. Maybe both of you need to research that and put effort into getting a bottle introduced or a cup or whatever with the express aim that once achieved you can have some time away too. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go away but be clear that once you achieve taking a bottle that you would like the same opportunity.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 02/06/2017 09:11

Another vote for YABU, I'm afraid.

Sympathies though. Flowers

Original poster
user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 09:13

I know I do sound as though if I can't you can't! And I do feel like that because it's our baby not mine :)) I don't have anybody to come and help out and while I can definitely manage by myself it's just a it depressing becuae I spend so much time alone with baby that I really look forward to doing things together as well as having extra help. If it was the other way round I definitely wouldn't go because I'd think it unfair but I guess that's just my view.

OP posts:
BellyBean · 02/06/2017 09:13

I sympathise but think as its a one-off you should let him go.

Could a solution be that he takes annual leave for 2 days (spread or together) so you get the support 'back'?

PersianCatLady · 02/06/2017 09:14

OP - If you don't want him to go then just tell him that you don't want him to go.

He has asked if you mind him going and if you don't say NO then why would he think that he couldn't go?

sticklebrix · 02/06/2017 09:14

It is utterly exhausting. I made similar choices and remember this stage so well. YANBU to feel irritated, but, as you say, this is just a short phase in life. It will be over before you know it.

If you feel that you actually can't cope with him being away, you must say this clearly and he should stay. If you can cope but just feel irritated, book a few days away for yourself now, for when the baby is about a year old. And make sure that your DH is actually sharing the load in other areas of family life, not just 'helping'.

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2017 09:15

Can you take a trip to visit anyone instead?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/06/2017 09:15

Yabu.
I disagree with the notion that life should stop for parents once baby arrives.
He should go.
You should carve out more time for yourself.
In about a month baby will be on solids, and will need you far less day and night, so you can take your time off then.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/06/2017 09:17

Can you go and stay with someone that weekend? I would encourage him to go and book yourself a night away when ds is 9 months, by then he will be partly weaned and even if you just sit in a hotel room and read with trips to the pool and spa it feels lovely to have a break. Make it clear that this is the deal. It has been good for dh to take the dc sometimes so he has a better idea of my day.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/06/2017 09:19

I would absolutely let him go.

I EBF my baby too and it was very draining. I had my first time away from him when he was 7 months old and that was only for three hours. It is hard being a breast feeding mother and havinh to be tied to a baby and give up your freedom a little but that's just the way it is. It's not your husband's fault he can't breast feed.

He clearly helps in any way he can and this event is once a year, it's not like he goes every month, so just let him go.

My DS didn't take a bottle until he was 10 months old and being responsible for his feeds around the clock (he also fed loads overnight) was very hard but that's just the way it was.

During my days of EBF my husband went on many days out and trips away without me and it wouldn't have even occurred to me to stop him.

I know it's hard work OP and you have my sympathy because it's physically mentally and draining never having a break from the baby but it's just for a short time and I think stopping your husband going on his trip is going to achieve anything positive.

Inertia · 02/06/2017 09:20

If it's a one-off I would probably let this go- could any family or friends come to visit you for the weekend to help? The suggestion about DH using some annual leave to give you a bit of a break is a good one.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/06/2017 09:21

YABU, all this talk of sacrifice makes you sound OTT. You are on maternity leave with a job to go back to and he couldn't have given birth as he is male.

It's one weekend out of the whole year but you want to deny him as you can't go?

minipie · 02/06/2017 09:22

I completely, totally get how you feel. I hated that stage and was sooo tired and lonely I longed for weekends when DH was there.

When is the event? Very soon or in a few months' time? You may find life much easier in a few months. Also can there be a "you" weekend in return, I realise you are stuck with the feeds so can't go away but DH would do everything in between feeds and you get to go out for a couple of hours/lie in the sun/sleep etc?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/06/2017 09:22

ISNT going to achieve anything positive.

Liiinoo · 02/06/2017 09:22

YABU. It's not as if by staying he could take over feeding duties. Let him go, enjoy a couple of days where you and DC can veg out in your PJs, sit in the sun or do whatever lazy day activities take your fancy. This stage of your life passes all to quickly and soon it will be your turn for a few days away while he takes charge.

minipie · 02/06/2017 09:23

By the way - if you are lonely (I was) there are various apps now for local mums to meet each other

SquitMcJit · 02/06/2017 09:25

If it's a one off then I would say he should go and then you should plan to have some time off in the future.

Could you plan the weekend when he will be away to make it as easy as possible and with some treats for you lined up? E.g. Plan to do no cleaning up, washing etc, get in some lovely easy food that you like, have a new book and box set lined up, plan for a coffee and cake out with the baby somewhere nice? Just little treats but whatever would make it feel a little bit easier/ different to your normal weekdays?

Swipe left for the next trending thread