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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

166 replies

user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 08:50

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 02/06/2017 15:44

If you do the going out with friends etc with dh, can't you do the same while he's away? It is only one weekend.

Do you enjoy breastfeeding at all? I know it's hard at times, but I love looking down and knowing my dd is getting everything she needs from me, and she'll grab hold of my bra strap or top and it's like she never wants to let go of me.

It definitely gets easier though and I personally think they get a bit more enjoyable as they get older. My dd is 7 months now, she's eating meals with us and she gets more out of days out and groups and things, even just playing at home is more fun now.

PersianCatLady · 02/06/2017 15:49

That's all very well Persian but he's a grown man. She can't just start ordering him about
Yes but in the OP she said that -
"He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no"

Therefore he has asked if he can go and she hasn't said no therefore in his mind perhaps he thinks that if she hasn't said no then she must be OK with it??

Barbie222 · 02/06/2017 16:25

Not RTFT but I think you might have to suck it up for another month or two if you want to EBF. Once you move to bottle feeding and get back to work something'll come up for you to get away to. One in the favour bank!

thethoughtfox · 02/06/2017 18:43

Sorry but YABU.

Original poster
user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 20:22

Thanks for all the replies. Interesting to find out that I am indeed being U. It's given a lot to think about now I realise it's probably not normal to dread spending solo time with your own baby...

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 02/06/2017 20:23

What is it you actually dread about being alone with the baby? What bad things do you think are going to happen?

Original poster
user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 20:34

Not worried about anything. I think it's like spending the day alone (as in without freedom) but without the benefit of being able to do anything you actually want to do... so it's just boring i suppose. It makes me wonder why people enjoy mat leave though.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 20:35

That should say without company not freedom

OP posts:
Sahara123 · 02/06/2017 20:37

I remember desperately trying to get my ebf baby to take a bottle so that I could have a break, no chance! And trying to express milk made every part of my anatomy wince and sort of curl up! So the " express and give your baby a bottle " posts may not be that helpful! I had no other help either, but I think in your situation I would be inclined to say that it's two days, he should go. Remember the baby stage doesn't last forever, and in the great scheme of things you will get your chance to go out and do things for yourself, as long as he pulls his weight and you feel it's a partnership the rest of the time I think it's ok. I look back on the close baby times with such affection now - although perhaps with rose tinted glasses!

Writerwannabe83 · 02/06/2017 20:38

I went back to work when my son was 9 months because by that point I was incredibly bored!!!! I had intended to have 12 months off but there's no way I could have done it.

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with my second child and I will be going back to work at about the same stage I reckon.

Some people really hate being on Maternity so please don't worry that you or your feelings are abnormal in any way Flowers

Original poster
user1476962050 · 02/06/2017 20:54

I'm sure I'll look back on it all with rose tinted glasses because there are some really amazing moments in there too! Just day to day not so much. I can't help feeling bad that I don't enjoy mat leave or wonder if I'm missing something that makes it so enjoyable for others, or perhaps it's all relative to how you feel about your job.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 02/06/2017 20:55

I think it's fine for him to go but day to day he needs to be pulling his weight more and enabling you to have down time away from baby. This might involve him coalescing with the baby Friday and Saturday night, and just bringing baby to you (in another room) for occasional feeds

Squishedstrawberry4 · 02/06/2017 20:55

Cosleeping

Hedgeh0g · 02/06/2017 21:00

OP: you said "now I realise it's probably not normal to dread spending solo time with your own baby..."

This really resonated with me. It's totally how I felt about my first. I'm pretty sure it started getting better around 6 months when he became more interesting, starting sleeping better (longer naps), and probably when the weather got better. And I've not felt the same now I'm home with baby number 2. Please hang in there. You are not the only one feeling like this, I suspect that actually the majority do. I wonder if one of the things that made a difference this time round is that with baby 2 I haven't really done the baby group thing (always found small talk - always about babies - such an effort at those things) and have instead spent more time with friends who just happened to be around anyway. Even if your friends are working, can you meet them for lunch? Is there something else you enjoy doing you can do with baby in tow? Many cinemas do baby friendly screenings, for example. Try to think of it less as being at home to look after the baby and more about being at home AND looking after the baby at the same time- does that make sense? I won't lie, it won't help with the resentment of your husband being free as a bird compared to you, but I promise you it does get better, by 8 months ish you'll be down to a couple of daytime feeds, you could potentially sleep train to help with naps (but longer naps will come in time anyway) and nights giving you more chance of a break. Hang in there.

Hedgeh0g · 02/06/2017 21:08

Although, I would be lying if I said that mat leave number 2 has been entirely free of boredom...this time round I have been slightly obsessively kondo-ing my already clutter free house. Make of that what you will :)

Brown76 · 02/06/2017 21:12

My second is the same age, also EBF, I really sympathise with you. I get quite resentful of doing all the nights and the vast majority of the care. However what has worked is taking a leaf out of my DPs book and taking the time on my own I need for my own sanity, whether that's an hour to have a long bath while he wrangles both kids or time in the evening to see friends on my own. I remember once dashing out after a 7pm feed, going for a meal with friends and getting back for the 10pm feed! Negotiate the time you need to feel refreshed and positive for the difficult job of being the mum of a small baby.

biddybid73 · 02/06/2017 21:21

We also don't have any family close by but we did make use of a night nanny. Might be an option for when your other half is away for his hobby if finances allow it? Saved me from losing it when left for 4 days by myself during 4 month sleep regression (waking every hour - not fun)

lazyarse123 · 02/06/2017 21:48

Martyrdom at it's best, you sound like you resent your baby. I had 3 under 3 and my dh worked away during the week sometimes and I did find it difficult but I got over myself. Let him go and enjoy himself. Life shouldn't stop when you have a child.

Dentistlakes · 02/06/2017 22:04

To be honest I wouldn't stop him from going but would be disappointed if he didn't come to that conclusion himself. DH did something similar (slightly longer trip) after not having taken any paternity leave (I was on my own from day 1 home from hospital) and truth be told I've never forgiven him for it.

If you really feel he should stay at him OP then you probably need to straight out ask him not to go. He won't decide to himself.

Liiinoo · 03/06/2017 10:29

OP, you sound depressed inasmuch as you can rationalise that everything is pretty much ok and yet you don't seem to be getting much joy out of your life or your baby. Is there any chance you might have PND? It might be worth getting it checked out.

Original poster
user1476962050 · 03/06/2017 11:03

I don't tuck any of the boxes for pnd so I don't think it's that. I actually love spending time with my baby just not all day every day (mostly by myself). I rarely sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time so I think months of this combined with the mundane nature of babycare is getting to me. I am genuinely interested to understand why people enjoy mat leave so much. Or perhaps it's my circumstances: no friends/family to help, baby only naps on me eg by feeding/sling so no baby free time in day at all, baby gets cranky if at home and has to be taken out all day to be entertained forcing me to go out all day when I'm knackered / sick / not in the mood... during the week DH does not do any babycare except a few bathtimes (doesn't have much oppprtunity hours away from home) so my 'shift' is about 14 hours long not including 4 or so night feeds.

OP posts:
whatajobbeingsamumis30 · 03/06/2017 11:14

Why don't you go?!? He can do his thing during the day but you have help for bath time and a change of sentry. I am saying this as a FTM to an EBF 8 month - DS also refused the bottle. My husband works really long hours and we have no family - although I do things during the day, it can be a long long day so know what you are saying.

It is a shame that you are not overly enjoying your mat leave - can I just say that I have been enjoying it so much more since about 6 months - I have my routine, the baby gives so much more back and is more fun - before that it is all you giving! Also, when you start weaning you will have more flexibility - it means you can leave the baby for 5/6 hours and not worry. I can understand that it is crap for your husband to go mentally but think of it this way...he goes and comes back happier...you will do what you do everyday, it will not be as bad you are building it up in your head and you have banked some good wife points. Or at least when my husbands goes away for work I at least find it is always better than I build it up mentally to be.

As a side point - may help, may not, but I have found having a baby really hard on our relationship - I think that the primary caregiver and the second caregiver have such different perspectives that it is hard to align. I have chosen to BF therefore I have choose to do all bed times and nights...once I accepted this I found it easier to do. My mantra is also...'don't be a martyr'...this may help or not but thought I would share what has helped me as a fellow FTM with a bottle refusing baby!

LouHotel · 03/06/2017 11:21

I'm still Bfing my 1 year old. But the 4 to 6 month period is really draining but 6 to 7 months is massive turning point. You'll be starting a solid soon and you'll find baby will start going 3 hours without milk in the day and sleeping longer at night. They can also properly ask to feed rather than you needing to watch out for hunger cues.

If you cant cope tell him not to go but if you can let him because in the not so distant future your BF baby will settle for Daddy and it will be your turn for a weekend away.

LouHotel · 03/06/2017 11:28

Just to add i much prefer my nearly toddler to those first months. When your feeding a baby 8 to 12 times you can get touched out and i had plenty of days of when i was counting down to bath time. It is also incredibly lonely if you dont make close friends with other mothers, i didnt gel with anyone in those early months but have now with mums from my new work place.

Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way, humans are social creatures we need interaction to feel secure, we fulfill the social needs of babies under 6 months but they dont meet all of ours.

ChildishGambino · 03/06/2017 11:33

Our DD is just 6 months and she's a very happy personable baby. She interacts with me all the time and we go on little 'missions' together. Like doing some walking or getting something from the shops. I'm constantly talking to her and I'm completely surprised I'm enjoying maternity leave as I loved my job and was dreading it. Perhaps it's expectations vs reality? I thought the whole first 6-7 months was going to be, quite frankly, shit. But it isn't!