AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

[user1476962050]

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

OP - If you don't want him to go then give him an OUTRIGHT NO.

If you don't say NO, how is he meant to realise that you want him not to go??

Some people are cut out to stay at home and some aren't. Unfortunately you don't know which you are until you've got the baby.

Ugh, so true. I have been a far better parent 3-4 days a week than I ever was 24/7.

If your job can't be part-time, since your baby is under a year perhaps you could look at whether DH could take additional paternity leave. I don't know what the rules are for requesting it but maybe someone else has insights.

And then if you do have to go back full time, could he go part-time? He has the same right to request flexible working as you do, AFAIK, and more men should ask.

I think pp's suggestion of going with him is a really good one. It will save you from the drag of too many days in a row on your own at the very least!

YABU, but it does sound like you need a break too.
It is hard when they are little and obviously if baby is ebf the dh can't do feeds if baby doesn't take a bottle.
I can remember it as though it was yesterday yet our first was 25 years ago
You don't get a break for a long time, with me it was years as didn't go back to work.
It's what parenting is all about, it would be great if men could do the early days without us but in this situation they can't.
Do you have any friends or family you could leave baby with for a few hours, just to recharge and have a break?

It seems to me that having the care of a baby has come as a bit of a culture shock. Quite common really, as unlike the old days when there was always a baby in the house, many people these days have absoluty no experience before they have babies.

I feel that perhaps you feel a little out of control as the demands of your baby dictate the pattern of your life. You have given your baby a wonderful start by bf completely. Do you want to carry on in this way or could you benefit from making a change? Could you express your milk or supplement with formula? Could you ask HV advice about helping baby to accept bottle?

You say baby will only daytime sleep nursed by you or dh. It might be very useful to modify this pattern to give you more freedom during day. My advice would be to put baby in the pram once fed and changed and either go for a walk or wheel baby till he/she falls asleep. Every small change you make puts you more in control. I think you are doing a great job!

Well firstly, if you don't want him to go you should say so. None of the silly, won't say no, but don't really want him to go either business.

It does sound like, because you can't leave baby then he can't though and I don't think that's a healthy attitude in a relationship or as a parent really.

I think it sounds like you'd benefit from some baby free time though op. Could you join a evening class, go to the gym or something at least once a week?
I love my dd, but I do need my time too, I know I could never be a sham. I really believe a happy mum makes for a happy baby though and that's one reason why we perserved with dd having a bottle of expressed milk. On the plus side it's only a month until weaning and that should hopefully give you more freedom. Maybe plan yourself a spa day or something for when ds is a bit older.

Also, in regard to night feeds is baby definitely waking hungry or for comfort? If comfort get dh to try settle him first and definitely take some time out at weekends etc, even if it's just a walk or trip to the supermarket. My dd would always settle for her dad better when I was out of the way and I think it's really important that they figure out how to settle baby without you there.

I would have been miffed. My dh wouldn't have considered going though.

(He's a massive twat in other ways if anyone thinks I'm being smug).

I did suggest he go for one day rather than two so he gets to go but he didn't go for that idea. I will definitely be asking him to take full responsibility for baby for a couple of days to give me a break too. I think it's the lack of support from family that makes being at home harder than expected. As DH Has not looked after baby for more than a few hours at a time I don't think he truly understands how tedious it is. I think he thinks maternity leave is all coffees and afternoons in the park - which it is! But it's incredibly boring and the time drags. I'm on my own 80% of the time so hardly a big jolly. Plus throw in a baby that naps 5 times a day and needs assistance to sleep eg walked about it's just an endless cycle of napping the baby before he gets cranky, not to mention he gets super bored and cranky at home so I have to be out most of the time even when it rains!

Yanbu, my ds had bad reflux at that age and we had confirmed ages before for a wedding. My dh without even telling me cancelled on the wedding and stayed home to help with Ds. It's that kind of thoughtful help you need. I think you need to work on getting your baby to take a bottle though, when you do go back to work / need a few hours away what are you going to do?

I get the boredom Op, and I'm lucky that I have family near by who help and I've been able to have a few nights outband even get away for a night with my boyfriend.

Have you got a holiday or anything booked? Could you have a week or even long weekend away, and get dh to do the majority of baby care so you get a break?

We did centerparcs when dd was around 4 months and it was lovely, other than feeding my bf did pretty much everything and I got to go to the spa and just be able to sit and enjoy a coffee without a baby on my knee or boob!!

Maybe booking in a few weekends away to look forward to might help give you something to look forward to and plan for.

Also my bf takes dd swimming every Sunday morning, as done from 3 months ish (I did go at first so I could feed her after, but sat in the cafe with my book and a coffee.) That's my lazy morning time now though, I might read, paint my nails, whatever I feel like, I don't do house work though!!

Tbh your situation sounds unsustainable regardless of your husband's presence or not. If you can't really leave your baby then im.assuming that's feeding related? So how will having your husband home help?

I think it's definately time to perhaps start making more time for yourself by getting your husband to step up and try to get the baby to take a bottle and or learn to try and co fort the child another way as by 5 months the baby should he able to go long enough for you to have lunch out with a friend or go see a movie.

Will the baby take a dummy or anything?

Cannot believe all the people saying to "just get baby to take a bottle". It doesn't work like that!! Some babies refuse bottles and soppy cups. My own daughter cost me about £150 before I gave up trying all different wonder bottles and sippy cups and even then dad's confidence is usually fucked and won't even attempt to try and calm baby or get baby to sleep because it'll result in four hours of screaming which is then normally only solved with a night of heavy cluster feeding and being clung to by the baby.

I think you're not being unreasonable op but it DOES get better. It feel like an absolute fuck right now and even if your partner is an absolute godsend and tries to help you'll still resent them for it. It's normal and it's important to talk about it. I would personally let them go. They could be a much bigger dick and be at the pub or clubbing every weekend or have to go to every football match going etc.

Warning will help at six months but it's not an overnight solution. You'll find that you can leave them a bit longer each time.

There will come a day (and even if it doesn't feel like it now) they'll give you a break (baby and the partner).

I would pick a date in the future and plan something for you. Agree that your other half will take the baby that day and go and have a day to yourself. Whether a manicure, cinema trip, hair cut, couple of drinks out with mates (and you can have a drink and breastfeed so don't worry about that). Just take it baby steps and have things to focus on for yourself rather than resenting what your oh is doing.

Love from someone who has been in your EXACT position a year and a half ago and for some reason is doing it all over again.

Xxxxxx

*weaning.

Sorry about all the typos. I just remember the helpless crazy feeling

My ex left me alone for Two nights and three days when I had a 3 week old and a c-section. I had no help but I managed.

My baby didn't take a bottle the first time but did when someone else fed him with it, have you tried that? You need a break.

If you feel this strongly about him being the only one not to have to be stuck to the baby, then stop BF.

He'll be old enough for solids in a month. I know the benefits go on for longer but why martyr yourself when you're clearly suffering?

Also I know it's incredibly boring walking for hours with a baby so I suggest you download some podcasts and listen as you walk around.

I'm in the same position as you, but I actively encourage my DH to enjoy himself when he can! When he's been down I've contacted his mates and made them take him out, I often take myself off to my mothers for the night so he can have the lad round to watch rugby/boxing/football.
Parents don't have to martyr themselves all the time. Yes you have to give up some things when you have a baby but you are still a person! And people deserve to enjoy life. We have a fantastic family life because he has an opportunity to relax every once in a while. Unfortunately for me, I don't have that luxury. He's going away to Budapest in a few days for a week. I'm jealous, but not resentful.
My time will come, I get the odd night out here and there (my baby sleeps through from 7pm) so can sneak out after he's down with the girls. But probably been out thrice in the 5 months he's been around.
Let him enjoy life! All aspects of it!

I did suggest he go for one day rather than two so he gets to go but he didn't go for that idea
Stop SUGGESTING and start being MORE DIRECT.

If you mean NO then say NO.

In your OP you say that -
"But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no"

Men are rubbish at picking up on what women want from them when they are not directly told.

You haven't told him no outright so in his mind, you haven't said no at all.

Men are rubbish at picking up on what women want from them when they are not directly told.

Bollocks. Some men are great at doing precisely what they want until/unless explicitly asked not to, and blaming other people for the fallout from that selfishness.

"Why haven't you fed the toddler?"
"He didn't ask."

That's all very well Persian but he's a grown man. She can't just start ordering him about (and I'm sure you would be pretty pissed off if your OH started telling you where you can and can't go).

I think some women make a rod for their own back. All this "velcro baby" crap. You can put them down. They cry, that's all. If your milk went, they would have to take a bottle. The reason they don't is because they know if they whine for five minutes you will give them the boob. So what if the man has to spend a day with a screeching baby? It'll give him an idea of how crap it is. Stop being the default parent. Your sanity will thank you!

I think it's amusing that people say my DH should be able to enjoy life - as though spending time with me and the baby isn't enjoyable! I'm joking of course but we do get out about on the weekends meeting friends / going for meals etc so I'd like to think he enjoys his weekends still! I always used to think being a dad would be great and a mum not so much. I guess having a child I still feel that way. I would swap with him without hesitation if I could. I must be missing something but after doing the pregnancy, labour, endless breastfeeding, multiple night wake ups etc when does the mum get something positive? Surely there's some benefits exclusive to the mum? (I just can't think of any). Reading my posts I must come across as really negative :( the weird thing is I love my baby more than anything. I just find him so much more enjoyable when there are extra helpers around.

He's spent the last 5 month's worth of weekends with you and the baby. He's asking for one weekend away for a specific hobby and the event only happens annually. You could have said "no" but didn't so I guess you'll have to just accept that he's going.

Is there a reason you can't go as well and spend time together in the evenings if it bothers you that much?

This is a hard phase, it does get better for 'mum', my kids behave better for me, cuddle me on the sofa, enjoy doing stuff with me, they run to you shouting mum ! I promise this is a hard phase that gets better.

Can you invite a friend to stay for the weekend he goes away? Even someone clueless and childless can cook you dinner and cue up a DVD. And tell your DH you are banking an equivalent two days off to cash in later so he owes you one!

With a 5 m/o it might not seem like it but honestly you are right on the brink of it getting loads easier - presumably you're starting solids in a month or so? If they can't take a bottle at 5 months (mine couldn't either) don't stress it, they'll be sipping cups of water and eating actual food soon enough.

Regarding benefits exclusive to the mum - it's a double edged sword, but I found being able to settle the baby more easily than his dad was actually a helpful thing. Doesn't have to be a mummy-martyr thing, more that I could go out for the afternoon with baby in the sling and a mere tote bag of essentials (toy, wipes, couple of nappies, change of clothes) and I didn't need to fear a meltdown in the way that his dad would!