AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

[user1476962050]

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

I should add that DM visits twice a week and then we have plans some other days. We go to the library for rhyme time etc. Then when DH comes home sometimes I just need to get out of the house. I'll pop to our local pub and see our friends then come home and make dinner. DH then goes and does the same and comes home and eats later. We have a balance now.

I also realised very early on that if I needed time to myself to do something (like gel nails/a bath) I only needed to clearly explain that to DH and agree that he would 'take over' and then I was happy and he was happy. I just make sure I'm clear and ask for what I need now.

YABU. Give it a couple more months and your baby will be capable of going a few hours between feeds. You're nearly there.

I'm curious as to why you can't do something you want to do...what is it that you want to do but can't with a baby? They even do screenings at the cinema where babies can go.

I like the people calling you a martyr and also telling you to let him go and do it all yourself love mn sometimes.

If I were a man I like to think I'd expect to have to stay home and do as much as I can while my partner was keeping a human alive for us

Well I think in someways DHs week days are even easier since baby since I now do all the food shopping and most of the cooking which would have been slightly more shared when we both went out to work. So I definitely don't feel as though he 'needs' a break!! He also goes out after week once a week or sometimes twice. So I look at his life and think it looks way better than mine right now.... I get this will change so I'll look forward to this. Re why I can't do what I want, my baby gets cranky if not on the move outside so if I dont want to listen to constant whinging it's best to be outside sitting / walking etc. I perhaps have a lower tolerance to this whinging sounds than others but feel as though if I know how to make baby happy I should work with it. At the end of the day it's my 'job' so I can accept it's not endless hours of fun it's just my real job is more interesting.

Why don't you go?!? He can do his thing during the day but you have help for bath time and a change of sentry.

@whatajobbeingsamumis30 - I've suggested that a couple of times too but don't seem to have had a response.

He also goes out after week once a week or sometimes twice

@OP - ah, you didn't mention that before - if that is the case then I can understand you feeling a bit resentful

Can you go with him or go and stay with your family for the weekend? You really don't have to be on your own if you are worried, there's other options.

I think you need to go back to work and stop breastfeeding, and he needs to step up. You're not wrong that it's much more fun being a dad than a mum.

This bit is total shit if you have a poor sleeper, so don't beat yourself up about not enjoying it- I hated it and went back to work at the six month mark. If your DH can take some shared parental leave that would probably be good for you, the baby and your relationship, because he won't get what it's like unless he does the work himself.

You had an idea of how the first year ought to be, before you actually had a baby and knew what it was like for you. There's no shame in changing the plan to match what you now know.

Sorry didn't mean to ignore the suggestion I go to. I don't really want to go just to get help for 15 mins before bed (as I do bedtime) plus we'd all be in one room too. So makes sense for us to stay behind.

It's knackering and hard to think straight and he's taking a couple of days off which is something you desperately need. Try to let him go and not resent it. Plan something nice while he is away eg a great film to watch whilst BFing or some lovely M&S food. Have you looked at the charity Homestart? they can help isolated mums. Both of mine EBF and it is exhausting. They never took a bottle - always refused. We went straight onto sippy cups. They are teenagers now and fine and yes my DH still has time away for his hobbies.

Did you not know men are children too? Let him go and stop whining. You've got a beautiful baby, which some women would give their right arm for.

Writermum22, the 1950s called and want their attitude back..

Oh dear. Poor you. You need a big hug and a big break. But you need to let your husband go on his once a year break. Just make sure you explain how much you need some time and physically book yourself a spa day in a few months time and another a few weeks later.

Have you tried saying to him, I don't want you to give up your hobby, but please can you give this year a miss as I am still struggling a bit with our DC and really need your help at the moment please.

Total sympathy from me. DS1 was EBF too, a bad sleeper, didn't settle during the days except if on the move, and my dh worked so I did all of the night feeds. I also had no real social life, with family at a distance and no local friends as we had moved to a new home just before DS1 was born.

Ideas of booking a spa day (with whom? Friends all lived at a distance and were at work and ds would not take a bottle anyway) or getting out to make new friends, when I felt shattered from lack of sleep, did not help. I too enjoyed doing things as a family, with dh and ds at weekends, and endured the weekdays. Not everyone enjoys these baby days.

MN saved my sanity. Keep on posting in different sections for ideas about how to enjoy get through these early days as best you can. That is the real issue here, rather than the 2 days your dh has planned away (though do get him to book 2 days annual leave, so that you win back your 'you' time and get a false weekend, if you can.)

Something that helped me to get through the days better, suggested on here, was chopping the days up into hourly chunks, timetabled by me. So 7am - 8am was breakfast and bath (my babies bathed a lot!), 8 - 9am housework to music, 9 - 10 walk then coffee (whatever the weather), 10 - 11am swimming and so on. You don't have to stick to the timetable but I found that it helped, particularly when you have a 12 hour day, every day to get through.

Best of luck

Huge sympathy. That time is so hard - I hated being on maternity leave and longed to go back to work. Stuck it out for a year but wish I'd gone back earlier now. DD and I are so much happier now I'm back at work and she's thriving at nursery three days a week.

I was lucky as my DH doesn't have hobbies outside the house so this issue never came up, but I'd have really struggled if he'd wanted to go away for a couple of nights for a hobby.

Can you talk to him about how you're feeling and reach a compromise - two nights to yourself a week or something similar (even if baby won't take a bottle surely isn't feeding that often now?)? Have you tried what happens if you go out and someone else gives the bottle? My two nights out a week on my own (to a craft group and an exercise class) were/are an absolute sanity saver.

It does get easier. My DD is 18mo now and this year has been so much easier than that first awful year.

This thread has been a little like therapy. Almost as though I'm getting to the bottom of the issue :) although mostly more confused than ever. DH is going to the event I was never going to say he couldn't, I was just put out that he doesn't seem to see how my life has been turned upside down by the baby arriving and his not so much. Anyway I am now going to have a think about what I can do to get some more free time for myself, how I can make my weekdays more enjoyable and if that doesn't work I'll see if I can get back to work asap. Thanks for all the support and advice :)

OP I totally get where you are coming from. It's not that you can't cope, it's that the weekend is the main break and enjoyment you get and it's being taken away from you. 12 consecutive days of boredom!

I think DH should go, as it's one weekend, but if you want to stay at home for another 7 months then you need to take steps to make your maternity leave more enjoyable. Easier said than done, but ideas are sleep training so baby will nap alone, pushing a bottle feed, joining mums groups and getting out and about every day. Plus time for yourself on an evening such as a drink with friends or a gym class.

Sounds like a great road map, OP. Good luck with it.

I found routine helped so we did a baby/toddler group 10-12 every weekday morning. Then I knew I'd survived halfway thru each day! As an introvert I found this a challenge(!) but maternity leave seemed so much more survivable when we were out of the house than in it. I also had a treat on a Wednesday for making it halfway through the week!

Warmer weather helped- being able to put DD down on the lawn and let her watch branches and birds etc whilst I had a cup of tea nearby.
I project managed weaning building up a vast array of purée in the freezer I was so bored! I also spent a LOT of time fantasising about returning to work early and booking myself on a three day conference at the far end of the country so I'd have a hotel room all on my own!

I also found it helped getting her place booked at nursery so I had an end in sight to look forward to. We booked her in at 8 weeks and she didn't starry until 12 months...

Start not starry!

I do think the work that goes into carrying a baby, birth and breastfeeding is as a general rule massively under appreciated! I can completely sympathise with how you feel, I remember my partner going to a festival and then realising he hadn't cleaned any baby bottles and the inexplicable rage I felt at the time! To be honest I don't think either of you are being unreasonable it's just bloody hard!

My other half is at Field Day right now, while I have my boob wedged in the gob of our 4 month old :p biology has a lot to answer for!! I just tell myself I'm owed a LOT of back-parenting once she's weaned and has learned the word 'no' :p

I definitely think getting it out helps op. I love my dd. But I was supposed to start uni last September, instead I'm waiting until this September and in some ways it's felt like my life as been on hold for a year. All the while my boyfriends and friends has carried on.

Something's that have helped me....
I went back to a hobby I had before dd.
I do a exercise class with a friend and she comes to mine after for a few glasses of wine.
We do baby groups, but I get out and about doing other stuff, museums, art galleries, things that interest me.
I look on Pinterest for baby activitiy ideas, there's loads of easy things to make and it gives me things to do and new things for dd to be interested in.
We do baby led weaning and its inspired me to do more healthy baking, I put music on and sit dd in her high chair with wooden spoons (she loves to bang) and she watches me.
I've just started volunteering for a few hours a week too.

I'm lucky in that dd takes a bottle of expressed milk and I have family near by to watch her though! I get that without that it's much more difficult.
I'd definitely be setting some dedicated dad and baby time though, and go and do something for yourself at least once if not a few times a week.

OP it is so hard with your first baby, I EBF all 3 of mine but with dd1 I had no idea how exhausted I would be & considering a trip to the corner shop on my own as 'me time'!
dd1 & 2 are 18 months apart. When dd2 arrived I remember my exDh saying I seemed to be doing ok so he was going to Wembley with his brother to watch the Cup Final!
I burst into tears so he said he would get MIL to come over & I cried even more!
He also had hobbies which involved weekends away...
I must admit I let him go. I slept when the baby slept, ordered in takeaway & watched films that he wouldn't have watched with me.
it doesn't last, it's relentless at the moment but it does pass.

I should add that as soon as dd2 was weaned I organised a spa day for me & my sister & it was brilliant!