AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

[user1476962050]

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

I'm going to go against the tide here and say YANBU at all, it seems your life has changed but your DH's has just carried on as before and you have no choice about it! How bloody unfair, you both made the child, he should be doing 50/50!

I had a baby that wouldn't take a bottle, in the end I had to leave her with DH and some bottles and just go for a day somewhere and then next time it was a day and a night. She never did take the bottle in the end but she also didn't starve.

I went mad watching DH waltz out the door every morning while I held the beautiful little leech that I was so in love with but also so tired and uncomfortable and fed up of being her world.

Does your H do a fair share of childcare (excluding feeding)? Eg care after early wake ups, washing, nappies, dressing. And laundry?

IME returning to work didn't help when I was still getting no sleep and bf and doing almost all the nights.

With DC1, a horrible sleeper, I stopped bf at age one because I felt so ill and exhausted due to sleep deprivation. DH could then do some nights so I could get some sleep. I'd realised I was ill (physically and mentally) while his life was much less changed and he was perky and running 10 miles at a pop etc!

With DC2 we did Dr Jay Gordon method to cut out night feeds and I bf til 2.5 and felt OK as was getting sleep.

Thanks TitsalinaBumSquash, at least somebody thinks I'm not ;) my view was he may not be able to feed the baby but he could offer emotional support by helping me in other ways until baby doesn't need me so much. And when things are a bit easier we would then both get a bit more free time to do what we want. It feels fair but I stand corrected ;)

I agree with you OP, YANBU. I have a 5month old that won't take a bottle and it's just exhausting. I haven't read every page of responses, just saw a few of the first pages and gave up reading when people were suggesting getting the baby on a bottle and saying you were being petty. I know how hard it is being attached to the baby 24/7. I go to groups and see people and generally enjoy my time with the baby, but there's no time for me. So why is DH allowed time for him? WE have a baby together. I can't wait for him to come home from work and weekends when I know DS will enjoy spending some time playing with daddy rather than being my responsibility.

I love DS to bits, but don't see why DH wouldn't want to spend weekends with us. FWIW I've also had a similar chat with DH as he started going to the pub on friday night after work every week. By the time he was home DS and I were off to bed as DS doesn't sleep very much so I have to grab what I can. He agreed that maybe I had a point, I've agreed he can go occasionally but on the proviso that he will be looking after DS quite a bit when he weans and starts sleeping and I can finally spend time alone (probably sleeping!). In the meantime, this is mentally exhausting and he's going to focus on us until nights ease up and I'm not so drained. thinking of you, your baby sounds like mine and it's bloody tough!

I agree with the majority. YWBU to not 'let' him go. You have made choices all along - about not going back to the job you clearly love sooner, and about feeding. That's fine - absolutely up to you and nothing wrong with the choices, but they are choices, so you can't say 'you have no choice'.
Even with this weekend, you could presumably both go - it would be a change of 4 walls and he would be with you some of the time. Or you could invite a friend to stay. Or you could go and stay with someone yourself (family maybe?). You say he has stayed in with you EVERY weekend so far, despite the fact he can't do much, and this is an annual thing. I see no benefit in people saying "well if I can't then you can't and reducing everything to the lowest common denominator.

OP, been there and I feel for you. I remember weeping as I realised when DD was 6 months that she was absolutely NOT going to take a bottle and I was trapped into BF for a further 6 months or so. Had I had a second child, I would have expresssed fairly early on so she learnt to take from a bottle early. Or even mix fed.

But as others have said, you are very very close to weaning now and it really will soon get better. Hang on in there. Sippy cups are just round the corner!

One more thing - I would very strongly recommend you do some sleep training to get her to nap in her cot rather than on you. Not only will this give you more freedom during naps, it will also start setting routines for the next few years. Honestly it is MUCH easier to do this now before your DC is mobile...

I'm totally with titsalina. If anyone sounds like a martyr to me it's all the 'well, it's not his fault baby won't take a bottle and I EBF'd for a squillion months whilst happily letting dh go round the world kayaking' types. You have both had a baby and that baby is 'difficult' in one area (I.e bottle feeding), so he can't help with that. But he can still bloody help! By, I dunno, accepting that hobbies are off the agenda for that 'oh, it's such a short period, OP, suck it up' time. Tell him no. Your life has exploded; he should at least feel the aftershock.

I would echo the cot napping thing. We got DD to nap in her cot from about six months and that also helped my sanity- the sling naps made me feel so claustrophobic! I loved having the time to myself at home whilst she slept rather than having to be out all the time.

I found the Rachel Waddilove book- baby book: how to enjoy year one really helpful. I saw it in a bookshop when DD was four months and got it as I really hadn't enjoyed anything about the first four months! A lot of her suggestions are in this thread too.

OP, I get where you are coming from. I hated the first year of sleeplessness, breast feeding, and trying to get a baby to sleep who didn't want to. Remember walking round the park feeling dizzy and sick from the tiredness - awful.

Do you usually get anytime for yourself at the weekend when DH is home? Getting a lie in is good, but I also found a couple of hours out of the house - feed before and after if need be - is a help. I used to go and do an exercise class, or just go for a walk or a coffee.

You also don't have to do this all again if you hate it this much don't have any more children then you can mentally tick each stage off as you never have to go there again!

Oh and nursery sorted out the bottle refusing one and he would nap for them in a cot never did it for me but at least I knew he could do it if I left him!

I just need a bit of a break so I'm going to try to get a bit more baby free time to myself. I certainly don't hate being with my baby I think I'm just more lonely than I realised. I usually enjoy my own company but I think it's just too much at the moment Plus I think my baby is probably a bit on the difficult side (hard to tell as he's the only one I know this well) with not taking bottle, waking frequently, only napping on me, getting bored unless outside on the move most of the time which isn't helping! I can see how if I had less of these issues it might be a more enjoyable experience. Drinks from bottle: daddy does some feeds / I can go out for longer or in the evening, sttn: I'm refreshed!, naps in cot: a few hours to do what I want during the day, content being indoors: I can spend time at home without listening to grizzling all day! So I'm hoping for an easier baby second time round ;)

My second is due in 9 weeks and I'm hoping for an easier one this time round too

My second was easier.

The third, though...

I've been in exactly the same position. My advice is bank it. As soon as your little one takes a bottle, go on a weekend break with a friend. And let your DH know that that is happening. See if he changes his mind about going

I completely understand where you're coming from - it's not so much that you need the help, can't cope without it, as that it's just boring and repetitive and hard work and lonely without your DH. And that if 5 days without it seems to drag, then 12 days (if he's away for a weekend) will seem endless.

Obvs YWBU to stop him going, but that's not really what you're asking, is it, it's whether YABU to want him to choose not to go and prioritise you not losing the bright spot in your week during this period of your life that's so bloody tough. A bit of solidarity. On those grounds, I think YANBU at all. Sorry he picked the other option .

The poster up-thread suggested a good compromise though. Can you explain to him it's not that you don't want him to go to his thing, it's just that it's going to be miserable and hard work for you being on your own for so long, and ask him to take a day or two of leave during the week so that you don't have that long dragging stretch.

Or as an alternative - can you go and stay with family or friends for the weekend to give yourself a break from the monotony and perhaps even a spare pair of hands? That's what I tend to do when my DH is occupied at weekends (or when I want to give him a break - he is now a SAHD but I remember clearly the drudge of my SAHM days on mat leave)