AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

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We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

Has your DH tried giving the baby a bottle with you being out of sight in another room or even away from the house. If your baby can smell your milk and knows you are nearby there is no way they will ever accept a bottle! Sorry if you have already tried this and it hasn't worked.

The reality is I don't enjoy the week days with the baby, maybe other mothers do or maybe you are just not supposed to enjoy it! I count down to the weekend as it's the only part of the week I enjoy. I preferred working but going back to work is equally challenging as I'll have to be full time with an hour commute which means very little time with baby it any which is awful too. Sorry just feeling a bit sorry for myself today! I am trying to work out a solution to this.

Or could he take two days off in the week before or after so he's around?

Just talk to him and get a plan in motion, I remember how bad it was bursting into tears because I couldn't face getting up in the middle of the night. [Then CNP remembers she is pregnant and will going through this all again with a toddler too. Fuck]

It's hard, it really is.

Have you been away for a weekend the three of you? I know you won't necessarily get any more sleep than at home, but a change of scene might still be nice. Hotel, no washing up, DH on sling/buggy/nappy duty, you just do the feeds.

If you could muster the energy, it would be good to get DH to do the packing for the baby, too - he needs to get over his "helping out" attitude.

Good luck.

I was thinking along the same lines as Mary

Presumably your DH will be staying in a hotel so why not go with him? He can indulge in his hobby during the day and you can spend time together in the evening.

Seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

I had a similar baby and I think yabu a little although I do understand the feeling. It will be hard for you for that weekend but ultimately it will be good for your husband and your relationship. You could go and stay with family or a friend. In one month your baby will start weaning and at this age you can introduce a cup with formula or expressed milk. It will take perseverance but will be worth it. In 2 months you should be able to leave your baby with your IH for longer periods and can consider feeding less at night.

I didn't enjoy it either. It does pass, though. I really liked the idea a PP suggested - can her take a couple of days of annual leave just after his weekend away, so you still get some time as a family?

It is hard, the first few months are relentless.

Do you have any other mums to meet up with, baby friendly cinema etc?

My ex went off abroad for a couple of months when DS was 4mo, I was dreading it, but actually, it was OK. It didn't matter if DS cried, I didn't need to worry about disturbing the lord and master and it was good. Gave us the chance to get into a routine.

You do need to get your time off with the baby to a more enjoyable place. Are you ok in yourself otherwise? could this be more than a bit down in the dumps about the weekend etc? have you spoken to the health visitor about how you feel?

Can you negotiate part time work at your job? Say four full days so you've got three with the baby? It really sounds like you would feel much better back at work. Some people are cut out to stay at home and some aren't. Unfortunately you don't know which you are until you've got the baby.

Ok do you have a Hobby ? I do and that's what makes staying at home bearable with a clingy grumpy baby, forget him you need to sort out hating maternity leave. I would post about him separately on the relationships board as it sounds like he's not pulling his weight.

Are you getting any sleep? Are you doing too much around the house ? Are you doing any fun stuff that you actually like ? What do you like to do ?

I'm an artist and when my dc are babies it's the best time cause, they sleep - I paint, they sleep, I drive to the art galleries. I go all over, I drive to the coast to draw. Honestly make the time off work for you, I know it's difficult when you're sleep deprivated but I love watching films, there's loads on Netflix.

I found the sexism in child rearing hard, but I've made it work for me and when my dh is here, I bugger off to work for an hour or whatever it is I need to do, I then come back and we do it together. I just refuse to do everything.

Well, if you're not going to ask him to stay maybe use this as a spur to change some things?

Can you express and have your DH take over some night feeds - easiest option is if he normally goes to bed around 11/12 you go to bed at 8/9 and he can cover those feeds. Or start going to the gym or exercise classes to feel like you're reclaiming your body and he can express while you;re away. It's worth persevering with if you intend to EBF.

Or start to introduce some bottle feeds? I understand there's a huge thing about breastfeeding these days, but I gave up at 6 weeks and think both baby and I were happier for it. He's a strapping 18 year old off at college now, and I don't really see that breastfeeding for longer would have done any more for him. Breastfeeding is great - as long as you find it great.

Or accept that not everyone wants to sit at home for a year with the baby and that's fine! Is it a possibility that your DH could take over some of the rest of the year?

I didn't enjoy it either. In the end I found it best to regard it as work, hard work, keeping my baby alive and fed and nurturing a secure attachment. My god I loved it when my OH walked through the door at 5.30pm. I used to start getting giddy at the thought from about 3.30pm. What kept me going was my weekly escape. On a Thursday morning I'd pack the baby into the car with our overnight gear and drive to the country to my mum and dad's. Mum would take the baby while I had a shower and did my hair, then I'd feed. Then mum would take the baby a walk while I read. We'd all go out for dinner in the evening. I would still have the same issues with having to feed through the night, but in the morning, after feeding the baby I would hand him to my mum and go back to bed for a few hours, and then feed, and then have another hot shower. Mum would make me my lunch, and we'd head back into the city in time for daddy getting home from work to start the weekend. It saved my sanity. Do you have family relatively close by that you could go to for a couple of days every week/ fortnight/ month?

As I said above, I swear to you, it gets better REALLY REALLY SOON. hang on in there.

At five months my ds who was my third also just slept on me, but I didn't care when he went to sleep, a routine was clearly out the window, just feed, carry, cuddle, feed... I found baby groups boring and exhausting

You're not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do op. A bottle refusing baby who doesn't like to be put down if is fucking hard work.

I think you're doing the right thing in not trying to stop him going though. You need to make a note of all the leisure time you are "owed" once the baby is bigger! That's when dh will have to step up and parenting becomes much more equal.

Cardinalcat I would have loved that !!!!! How lovely of your parents

I felt quite resentful like you as I ebf until weaning and then stopped at 13 months. It is what it is, you're allowed to be pissed off but there really isn't any point in you both being restricted in the name of 'fairness '
Bank it and book a nice night away with a friend when you finally leave the baby in a few months x

You really need to get him out of the mindset that he is doing you some sort of fantastic favour by changing the occasional nappy. Be very firm at weekends and tell him it's reasonable to expect him to do at least 50% of the child care other than feeding.

It isn't about the weekend though is it - you want him to acknowledge how miserable you are and how hard you are finding it. I would consider mixed feeding and being happy and enjoying my baby over this miserable endurance and BF. I would consider leaving DH for a few hours to try and progress the bottle (expressed if important to you) issue.

I think the most reasonable course is to let DH go but really talk to him, not in a "it's your fault" way, about how you feel. Try to figure out together a way to be happier because it sounds like you are really struggling. Can you go and visit someone while he is away? Does he have any hobby-mates also going so you could perhaps get together with their partners and children while they are away?

I know EXACTLY how you feel (just gone back to work after second mat leave). To me the only properly enjoyable family time is when we're all together at the weekend, otherwise it's just hard work. Ask him to take 2 days off either just before or after the weekend so you still get that time. Then arrange your own holiday with some family who can help you out and you're not just stuck at home doing housework. Why not plan to meet the grandparents at the beach- a 5 month old will love exploring the sand. Take a carrier and go for long strolls with baby asleep on you.

Win win imo :)

I've got to be honest, you sound lonely, bored and fed up. I don;t think the weekend whether he goes or stays will make much difference. Because Monday will come round again.

I also think that your choices on how you do the first year (and there are other options), allows you to remain isolated, with little to no support from the person who should be sharing the load.

We all want to do what's best for our children, but if it isn't making you happy (rather than just okay), then maybe that is what you should be looking at. Happy mother = happy baby. Miserable mothers do not make happy babies. You just sound really down and it's a shame your DH cannot see that.

I wouldn't stop him going but I'd be annoyed that he hasn't noticed.

Hi there
My baby is three months and I can definitely understand it from your point of view. DH works from home so the daily burden of caring for baby is shared but I still do all night feeds and bottles are hit and miss. I've had about two hours away from baby since she was born.
DH has had to go away a few times for events which I suspect could probably have been postponed for a few months if push came to shove.
In my case I said it was ok for DH to go - on the proviso that it was his responsibility to organise some help for me for at least a proportion of his time away. Even a day really helps.
I do think from my own experience that you get so drained that things can seem overwhelming. In realist my time alone with baby was actually ok. However I think if you are too tired to cope alone DH should sacrifice his trip.
If that's not possible I absolutely second the point that you should - ensure DH repays you the time in a couple of months time when feeding responsibilities can be shared more easily.
I'm definitely planning a cracking weekend away....

Why doesn't your baby take a bottle? Might this be an idea so you can express some milk and your husband can help with the feeding

Some just don't. I BF DD1 but she would take the odd bottle if I went out. DD2 didn't take a bottle, ever. We tried everything. I had threads of here, gpt advice from the HV, spent £40 on different bottles. It's not as simple as just trying.
OP I know exactly how you feel as I would (and did) feel exactly the same. YABU though, I think. You will get your you time back, it's short term. second the idea of getting him to take 2 days annual leave around the time of him going away to ease the burden. Otherwise you'll feel like you're doing 2 solid weeks of childcare on your own.

I could have written this post last year... what i would do is get your DH to take a couple of days off after said event to give you a rest... catch up on sleep and just get him to bring you baby when he needs fed!!
I did this a few times as EBF is hard, especially when baby refuses a bottle, which mine also did!

Hi op. My baby is also 5 months old (nearing the 6 month mark now), is EBF, wakes all the time at night despite no longer being a newborn and is my first so I can relate to a lot of what you say. I am at home alone with her for much of every day.

In your situation, I think I'd feel like you do, that I had sacrificed everything and it wouldn't hurt for her other parent to recognise that. Equally, I wouldn't want to tell him he couldn't go. Because that makes it not a sacrifice, doesn't it? It's not a sacrifice if you tell him he can't do it! I also see that as a team, it's on both of you to facilitate the other one doing the things they want / need to do and, in that respect, I think it's entirely reasonable that he go.

I would have serious think about how the night waking / morning getting up situation could be made fairer. It does not follow that because you are at home, you get to do all of it seven days a week. For example, I handle wake ups from when we go to bed until 5am. Anything after that is on my DP, until he starts getting ready for work at 9am. This means we both get an unbroken stretch of sleep. I do struggle with feeling guilty but then I remind myself that I am working every bit as much as him in having sole responsibility for the baby for much of the day as well as doing the household chores pretty much in their entirety. He would tell you that life is better for all of us when I have had enough sleep and that he'd rather get up at 5/6am than sleep more and live with unhappy me.

to be clear I think he should repay the time AND arrange some help if required