AIBU to expect DH to sacrifice too?

[user1476962050]

We have an EBF baby that is five months, he doesn't take a bottle so I rarely get any time away from the baby. I have accepted this and realise things will get easier as baby gets older. I am ok not having 'me time' but do very much appreciate an extra pair of hands with baby which DH provides on weekend. We do not have any nearby family so I'm fully responsible for baby during the week. As much a I love my baby I don't particularly enjoy the weekdays despite meeting up with other mums / going to baby activities. The endless cycle of getting baby to sleep is just tedious. I am looking forward to going back to work as it feels like a nice break from this! I could go back to work earlier but believes it's best for baby to be with mum in their first year so I am willing to do this.

So my DH has a hobby he is passionate about and has decided to attend a two day event (it only happens once a year). He ran it past me and I wasn't keen because it meant I'd have to do all the childcare while he is away rather than sharing it. But he has still decided to go as I wouldn't outright say no. However it's completely unthinkable that I could attend a two day event for a hobby right now. In fact I haven't been away from them baby for more than 10 hours combined since he was born.

I should also note baby wakes frequently and I have to do all the night night feeds 7 nights a week. I just feel as though I have sacrificed my sleep, my body, my time, my work to give our baby the best start in life regardless of whether it's actually what I want because that's what parents do. So why is it ok for the DH who has sacrificed so much less to go away and enjoy himself baby free for 2 days? Am I being AIBU to think he could have attending next year instead? His view is he shouldn't have to not do things just because I can't... (he has spent all weekends with us up until now so it really is a one off so maybe I am being unreasonable).

I've been in this position and dh would not have done it to me. He knows how hard. He works one weekend a month already and although it's hard I cope on my own. Try and make fun plans. Could you try and get a visitor or think of something you enjoy?

Weaning is round the corner too. It will get easier

YABU . If he was away every weekend then yeah I'd agree but you've said this will be the first weekend he's been away. 5 months is a great age in that babies are very portable so just get yourself some nice stuff arranged for yourself. You need time for you too - you do seem set on giving your baby the best start which of course we all do but just because you are a mum does not mean life as we knew it has to stop.....that is totally your choice and tbh you do seem to be coming across as a bit of a matry. If you want to go back to work early then do it - your baby will have no idea when he's older if you went back to work at six months or a year, it will make no difference in the grand scheme of things so if it saves your sanity then just do it and don't feel bad about it

I think it's ok for him to go so long as you guys get equal time off in the long run.

He's not helping you, he's meeting his responsibilities of having a child and running a household, which you guys share equally (note, this is not the same as sharing every job equally).

Context needed I feel, does he do his share in other ways?

I get where you are coming from OP. You cannot make a bottle refuser take a bottle it is really frustrating.
I would have been very cross had my OH done what yours wants to do at that age. When my OH has gone away i got my mum to visit to help out, or i went to stay with her for the weekend. Is that an option for you?
Re going back to work, if you can go back part time consider going back at 9 months or so. Baby sees you most of the time, you get adult space. Is it your OH who believes baby should be with mum for the first year? If he's pushing that then he should be providing backup to you whenever you ask.

If the chorus of "I can/could so you should too" that I hear from many posters is valid, then OPs "I cant so you shouldnt either" is equally valid.

My husband went to India for 3 months with work when my baby was 3 months old, and I managed despite working part time from home with no childcare, and no family or other network around to help.

MY experience does not mean that OP should have to cope if SHE feels she doesnt. Her feelings are valid.

I sympathise, OP, as DS was made of Velcro and totally and utterly refused a bottle and it IS wearing, but ultimately YABU, I think. Sounds like your DH is as hands-on as he can be, when he's around. My only advice would be to make it absolutely clear that you will be calling this one in as soon as DS is a bit more independent! ;)

lots of sympathy op, I remember this stage well. it does feel unfair, ebf is a pain in the arse for that, but with each passing month things should start to even out
a tip: even if you dont want to, which you probably wont, once baby is not ebf, go away for a full weekend, at least once, so your dh can properly get to grips with full time childcare. its good for them both.

It's hard, really hard. I think it's more the moral support and loneliness, which makes jealousy of dh even sharper.

Did you both decide the year off was the best thing, or was that mainly you? Whilst the baby is yours collectively, sometimes the mum can make decisions and then expect the Dad to do it 50:50.

Can you book a weekend away as a family very soon after so you have it to look forward to? Can you go and stay with someone with the baby? Do you have no friends at all? University? School? Previous work? Can someone come round and watch movies one night? Someone you used to work with? It sounds like you are very emotionally dependent on dh, which may also be a burden for him and it may be why he is quite insistent on going away. He may need a break from that. Babies are physically tiring, but emotional dependency is extremely draining.

Have a think OP. You may also have post natal depression, so it may be worth going to the doc. Mine kicked in at about 9 months, so it's not always straight after the birth.

I'm not going to comment on whether YABU or not because it's so bloody subjective when you're five months in to this never ending, sleepless, nipple shredding, claustrophobic but utterly utterly oxytocin-soaked tantalising relationship with your child. I remember it so well darling, I really do. It's amazing but suffocating, the sheer level of need that only you can meet, day in, day out, and all through the night. You are SO CLOSE to things getting a bit better, I promise you. I presume you're going to start introducing bits of solids in a month or so? Of course you should still breastfeed (assuming you want to continue) but your baby's reliance on the boob will gradually start to recede as . Also, you'll find that lots of babies at this age will start sipping milk out of a cup, (and some previously staunch bottle refusers miraculously start taking a bottle) which will buy you a bit of time away from him from time to time. You really must try to do some things for yourself, for the sake of your sanity, and soon. You run the risk of feeling quite resentful about your lot otherwise. I think if you felt less shackled to the house and the baby then perhaps you wouldn't give two hoots about your dh popping away for a couple of days without you. sending you love, fistbumps and hopefully a ray of hope- you are doing amazingly and you can do this, you are nearly through the really awful bit!

I honestly get it OP, you're exhausted, you're making some hard decisions for the best of your child, but, personally I'd be OK with my DP going (although I agree with Fetchez - it's a marker that will be called in once that's possible!)

Might this be an idea so you can express some milk and your husband can help with the feeding

I never really get this idea. DS1 could not figure out bottles (have you tried straws? He figured those out about 5 months so I could stretch to a couple of hours away if need be! He was also a velcro baby who was still having bedtime and a middle of the night feed at 18months - and an emergency banana in the middle of the night at 3 - he was just genuinely hungry the whole time). I was also a rubbish milker (plus I just didn't like doing it) - it would take me 30 minutes to get enough milk for what guidelines would say was about half a feed, which he wouldn't want to drink anyway. So all expressing does is mean that instead of spending 10 minutes with a baby attached, I would spend an hour with an uncomfortable expressing machine, and even if he drank it, that only bought me a 6 hour stretch rather than a 3 hour one. I just don't get it.

YABU

I can absolutely sympathise OP. I find looking after my toddler exhausting, boring and stressful. He has special needs that make him particularly hard work.

DH just went on a three day trip over the bank holiday weekend. I felt miserable because I do the toddler all week alone, I COUNT on some adult support at the weekends, and his going away meant that I didn't have any support for days and days. When even the next hour seems like a long time, ten days seems like a sentence .

Having said that, I don't necessarily think he shouldn't go but some understanding of what you are going through is helpful. I arranged a lot of activities to do so I had a plan and I DID get through it.

Your op sounds so much like my experience with DS1. So much empathy.

Give DH this though. 2 days isn't forever.

This stage will pass, you will get through it and you will have forgotten about it all.

Op, I am in a similar situation with DH, a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old. 1 year old was EBF and even now clings to me in the evenings. DH has a hobby that sees him go away for four weekends each year, up to 5 nights at a time. I don't stop him (it used to be my hobby too!), but I do the following:

1. Plan a road trip to family or friends who are happy for me to turn up with the kids (extra help and adult conversation!)
2. If we stay at home, have a plan in place for each day (e.g. swimming, lunch, walk to the shops).
3. Expect equal time away from the kids. I appreciate your baby is only 4 months old, but she will be ready for solid food by August and using sippy cups by Oct/Nov. So even if she never takes a bottle, you can still book that spa day for the winter.

You do sound trapped and a bit unhappy. Keep trying different baby groups and meetings until it "clicks". Finding like-minded mums can be hard, but they are out there

Thanks all for the replies. He's going and I wouldn't ask him no to. Honestly before we had the baby we knew so little about babies that I assumed it would much more even in terms of sharing looking after the baby. I didn't know babies refuse bottles or may want to feed every hour at night etc! Our baby only naps on me (or DH in sling) during the day so even though not a newborn there isn't much time off during the day. Again I didn't know this before having a baby...I think it's just come as a shock from splitting everything evenly to me having to do so much of the babycare even on weekends. I am envious of how fathers just get to do the fun stuff eg come home and play with them! And even on weekends I can't help feeling as though he thinks 'he's helping me out' by changing a nappy or getting up with baby when he wakes up for the day. I didn't expect my DH to be like this despite hearing from friends how common it is. I thought raising a baby would be equally disruptive to both of us but it's been harder for me. I know it will get better... and then I have to do it all over again!!

You're not being unreasonable. I asked my husband not to do a three day weekend with his hobby when my youngest was 5 months (have an older child too). It would have meant no break between weeks and I was desperate!

Kids and family always come first. Even if it's an event that won't come again.

a tip: even if you dont want to, which you probably wont, once baby is not ebf, go away for a full weekend, at least once, so your dh can properly get to grips with full time childcare. its good for them both

That's excellent advice!
I was forced to leave my dh, our 2 year old, and 8 month old while I went to sort out a family crisis. It was a proper crash course for him and it really paid dividends.

CottonSock slightly over dramatic. He is not doing anything "to her". He wants to go away for a weekend not join the foreign legion ffs.

Honestly OP, if he isn't pulling his weight anyway then I can't see what difference a weekend away will make. If you really are chained to the baby 24/7, then it's up to you to sort that out. He is making time for himself; instead of resenting it do the same. He is buggering off without making endless plans for how you will cope, so why can't you do that? Either pump some bottles or buy some formula and just go. Trust me, he will manage perfectly well and the baby won't starve.

You sound very unhappy and isolated. I don't think this is about a weekend. You say he decided you should stay at home and you agreed. I wonder if that is actually the best solution. You can't be the best mother you can be if you're lonely and sad.

I was hoping this was going to be an AIBU about sacrificing the Mumsnet goat or something....

user, it's very hard. It will get better. I returned to work sooner than you have and for me that was the salvation although I had to express milk at work. I have never bottle fed one of my babies, although others have when I was working. So at weekends, evenings and yes often every hour or two all night they were latched on to me like superglue, sometimes two at a time (I breastfed twins until they were at least 18 months old).

Their father would not have gone away for a hobby to days in the first year. I earned more than he did but whoever earned more we would not as we had such a crying difficult first baby have lumbered the other with 2 nights away and the other coping alone.

Can you go with him to the hobby as one possible solution or ask for a weekend in return - a weekend where you only feed - eg you feed then immediately hand to husband to change, dress, wash, take baby out in sling for a walk. Then husband hands baby to you to feed 2 hours later and repeat etc etc... A kind of break in a sense but not from the breastfeeding part? I remember with the twins when I was working at home I would leave my home office to feed them and right after then leave them with whoever had them and get back to work so all that more time consuming burping, changing the clothes covered in sick yet again, rocking whilst you hoover, drive, carry them in the sling could be done by someone who doesn't breastfeed i.e. in your case the husband.

Have you tried someone else giving the baby a bottle? I have never given a child of mine a bottle personally. It would just feel wrong. However whowever was looking after them including their father did - so the baby associates that person with a bottle and you with the breast.

At 5 months it may be able to grab some soft food like a banana - is that possible and perhaps make things a bit easier.

Honestly, all these men with their hobbies that take them away for days/nights/weekends! Sympathies OP.

Your post is a bit more than about the weekend isn't it?

Your life has changed unrecognisably since having the baby - his life, not so much.

I felt very similar, when I had a bottle-refusing EBF baby.

It does get easier.

OP, I get it, I really do. I had a thread a few weeks ago because my OH was umming and aahing about whether or not he was going away for the weekend, and I got cross because, not only does he have the luxury of going away, he had the luxury of just deciding at the last minute! Me going away for the weekend at the moment feels as realistic as flying to the moon (I have a breast fed baby and a toddler).

For those saying go away yourself, it isn't as easy as just pumping bottles or giving formula and going- first of all that requires planning (and some women aren't able to successfully express, and some babies don't take bottles no matter how hard you try), then you'll spend the weekend either uncomfortable or pumping milk in the toilets, worrying about whether the baby is able to sleep without you....yeah, loads of fun.

However, I would say let him go. It will pass, and you will get your chance when the baby is older. The previous poster's suggestion of getting him to take annual leave mid week another time and do all the baby leg work is a good one.

How is the poor man meant to know you don't want him to go if you don't tell him?

If he's away for the weekend, could you go and stay with a friend or relative just for a little break? I find if I know DH isn't coming home (if he's away, he doesn't just slink off) I'm able to cope far better than if he is late home. Let the house be messy, live off pot noodle and mars bars and stay in your PJs all weekend on the sofa. (This plan works less well on our house due to livestock where it can be difficult to manage them in slippers!)