To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

I've thought that about the 'I'm not naughty I'm autistic' T-shirts, Dixie. The first time I saw one was at a toy library and the boy wearing it was not displaying autistic behaviour at all. I felt it drew attention to him unnecessarily, but perhaps his parents had had bad experiences with other parents. I didn't like the T-shirts and never used them, but I know people who did.

The difference with cards is that you aren't drawing attention to the person's autism all the time. You can just produce a card passive-aggressively at gawpers when you need to.

Also, you can use them to show discreetly to workers in shops or cafes so they can be prepared for some odd behaviour or responses.

I've found the perfect t shirt

Dixie I agree with the cards, if end up lobbing them at people and their judgey faces

We have a similar issue with cafes, DS hates restaurants ever since that one time we took him to Brewsters with the play area and now he thinks every restaurant has a play area.

Morning folks. I just left this thread last night because it was beyond me to keep labouring the same point, not getting a direct answer to a direct question. Also there's always one goady fucker on these types of threads. Nevermind.

You were great though.

What a beautiful day it is here today. After lunch my DS is going to the park, I am bringing him. Thank you x

Ah Dixie it's tricky isn't it. We did the whole visual timetable for the entire Christmas Day this year and it actually went really well!

Martin yes I suppose there's always one, so comments I was a bit like.. Is that real? Did they mean to say that?
Have a super time at the park! DS loves the park and it's such a nice thing to do together

DixieNormas, I'm not sure how obvious it would be to someone dealing with a difficult situation, I suppose I am thinking of the adults I worked with but even though children are smaller I don't think that would always make it easier. As I said he looks a big strong bloke so in a shop you might think he is taking his time with his shopping if he is on a good day, just one stick, on a worse day with two sticks more obvious and if he is on two elbow crutches it is very obvious because he will be having so much trouble moving. He has actually been hurt by a child, I have no reason to suppose she had any problems, just an excited child chasing something and she was a little thing of 5 or 6. All children can be unpredictable at times.

He has had his share of tutting when people see him walking along and me struggling with something heavy, particularly when I was heavily pregnant. A nurse showed her displeasure when she saw me walking into hospital carrying my bag when I was in labour with him walking along empty handed. Sometimes you really don't want to be explaining to people but it did embarrass him. I was torn as obviously it is nice that people are thinking of me but I know it is unfair to judge him. Awkward isn't it.

Re the cards, when I used them at work it was originally thought they would be useful to stop people coming to the aid of someone they might think was being tackled unreasonably when staff were trying to keep them safe. In reality they were more useful for giving people contact numbers to get help and they were successfully used for that on many occasions. We had on call staff who could respond so not so useful for parents but I suppose it could still be useful for some people.

I think it is a shame we can't move on from people who are looking being either arseholes or bloody clueless when some people have explained why they might be looking e.g. autistic themselves, concerned for the child or wary of their own or others physical vulnerability.

Dixie have you tried a now and next board? DS took a while to realise what we were on about but once he got it we drew pictures and wrote a "now" and "next" e.g now you have dinner (draw dinner) and next you have ice cream (draw ice cream).
He got a bit cocky after a while though and wiped out the "now" picture so he could have whatever was next, and we still use it in every time language e.g (he loves baths) so ill say now dinner, then bath and he'll say "now bath, then dinner" it's quite funny, but did work for a good 6 months or so!

It does get easier (dealing with the stares) I used to notice all the time, now not so much.

DS has autism and learning difficulties, he is 12 now and it is more obvious now, people still do stare. He only started eating proper food a couple of years back, and even now he won't eat in public places, people (especially older people) think we are starving him whilst having food ourselves and feeding the other two children, this used to really bother me.. but now I just think 'whatever'

Comments still get to me though, not when coming from children, but when coming from adults. He doesn't have as many meltdowns anymore (it used to be everytime someone made a noise that he didn't like) but he acts in a way that people find strange, he makes high-pitched noises whilst he is flapping.

I think the worst experience so far is when a 'father christmas' that we took them to see was horrible to him ( I have never been back to see another father christmas since) DS didn't notice, he doesn't really but in those situations I'm glad.

Sorry went off on a ramble then but I do promise it does get easier, I don't really notice the stares anymore (I actually think I used to be expecting them so I used to be more aware of it because it really got to me, its been since I have decided that I don't care, that I have stopped noticing as much)

For transitions as well as now and next we use sand timers as that is something visual so he can see the time counting down.

That's the problem there is so much trial and error, and then when you think you have found ways around things a new problem pops up! All fun and games I guess!

Virtually all the justifications people have attempted to give on this thread for staring are bollocks. Checking there is an adult with the child/that the child isn't about to career into someone frail and the like can be done with one glance.

Also in one glance it is sometimes quite easy to tell if it is a meltdown from someone non-NT. And even if one can't tell, it doesn't really matter, a child who is having a tantrum isn't going to be helped by being stared at either.

Some people on this thread could do with a reminder that those of us who have entirely NT families will only be affected by the distress that manifests as a meltdown very occasionally, when we happen to be sharing a public space with someone with this kind of disability. Whereas OP is constantly and continually managing every situation she is in her with her son, probabaly never fully able to relax because she's watching out for his distress. And every time his emotions become overwhelming and he melts down, she has to contend with people staring. Have some compassion.

Somerville, if the meltdown lasts more than 2 seconds then a glance does not ensure other disabled people are safe. That might not suit your agenda but it doesn't alter the facts.

Agenda you say, Granny...

Anyway, a glance is entirely sufficient in most cases to work out where any potential hazard is and help the frail person walk in the opposite direction. In fact, in a place as busy and full of potential hazards as a supermarket I would suggest that anyone staring at a child having a meltdown is putting the frail person with them at more risk, because they then will miss the enthusiastic small child pushing a trolley too fast in their direction or any other number of hazards.

And I've been on this situation myself - my first (late) husband had cancer and was very, very weak. I had to be very cautious when he was unavoidably with me in places like supermarkets - that entailed constantly glancing around, not staring or glaring at one individual.

Well just move them away then granny. You'd think you wanted to create an issue here where there is none.

Ok so from my perspective. It's my gut instinct to look, stare, and scrunitize whenever I see a person screaming. It's instinctive, even more so if it's a child. It's not that I'm judging you, I'm judging the situation to see if it's abuse and I/the police need to get involved.

Me personally? Ten times in the past year.

It's instinct to look fair enough but it doesn't take more than a quick glance to realise "oh child having a tantrum" or "oh dear meltdown" then carry on with your day surely?

and how many of those times was it actually something that needed reporting/the services acted on rather than you being "over helpful" (only polite phrase I could think of!)