To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

A lot of childhood neurological conditions I'm finding people just don't believe are real but a result of 'bad parenting'; Autism, ADHD, ODD etc basically anything 'behavioural' cue eye rolling. These conditions don't get a lot of sympathy. Lots of cruel jibes - 'Get your child out!', 'Your child is a danger!', 'Your child is ticking a time bomb!', 'I don't want my child sharing a class with that!'. It's the tone and unkindness, lack of sympathy for situation that's dreadful, as if the child chose to be that way. People would never think of speaking to parents of a child with Cancer or other illness like that. But somehow those who have not been touched by it think somehow the parents are at fault, simply because they can't rationalise what they are seeing any other way.

Havent read whole thread but i have a grown up son with autism and we were often tutted at when he lost it in public. It was hard and made me feel a rubbish parent but now i also have 2 wheelchair kiddies as well and we are regularly stared at when out and about but i have learnt to ignore it now. I dont mind a quick glance but full on staring and worst of all nudging and whispering are beyond the pale to me .
I find a cold stare over the top of my glasses helps no end ( the death stare as it is commonly known in this family )

People stare at my sister-in-law who is in her 30s and severely brain damaged. Blatant and prolonged staring and gawping. I have been known to make a point of staring back, even suggestions they take a photograph if they prefer; but have since decided that there isn't really any point.

People are going to look if they hear a loud unexpected noise, that's natural. But having identified what's going on it's very rude to carry on staring.

ohgoshIdontknow

you still have not got it, have you. But lucky you if your precious children react well faced with tantrums, noise and loud noise.

You think that starting an hysterical attack towards a mum and young children in a supermarket, when the kids are already clearly distressed is acceptable?

Wow, just wow. Such an uncivilised behaviour really deserves more than a shake of the head, next time I might even throw a few tuts.

My other children are fine, nothing wrong, and frankly if they see another child having a tantrum it's no skin off their nose. They will cope. Well good for them but not everyone will feel the same. A nervous child might be frightened, one isn't more important than the other, they both have rights.

When my late MIL was very frail, she had terminal cancer, a child who was having a tantrum/meltdown injured her leg by pushing a trolley into her. I don't know what the child's problem was but I do know that it was quite serious for my MIL. Was my MIL wrong to be upset? Should she have smiled and said it was fine?

Tolerance works both ways.

Codd are you expecting parents or carers of someone who has a disability that involves noise, to remove them from public places if they start making a noise?

My child self harms and attacks me when someone screams but I would next expect others to remove a screaming child that cannot help it.

There is a massive difference between a child being "allowed" to hurt someone and annoying someone by being noisy though!

No she was shopping but after the injury she was tutting and shaking her head. Quite justified as the mother didn't even apologise.

Actually for the remaining months of her life she was very head shaking and tutting at children having tantrums as she was frightened.

Oh God, this thread is attracting all sorts of comments which are unecessary and are making my heart sink.

Yes, all children have rights. That's part of the point. Autistic children are children too.

grannytomine I am sorry about your poor MIL being injured in such a way. You pointedly said "I don't know what the child's problem was", therefore you don't know if the child who caused the injury was autistic. How then is your point relevant to this thread?

WTAF? Some poor bastard has come on MN to ask that people give her a break and just lay off the staring when her disabled child has a tough moment and suddenly a queue of rudeness excusers forms.

Read the OP, use empathy, apply to everyday conduct. Not difficult.

I have a few questions- genuine, not goady!

A few people upthread mention that "it's clear their child has ASD". I know very little about autism, so what does this mean?

What is SPD?

As a parent to another parent, what would be the most helpful? Ignoring you, offering practical help, giving you a sympathetic nod but not interfering, etc?

Also, if it helps at all, I have an 8.5 month old DS who we think so far is NT. People still tut and comment and stare all the time when he cries, and often comment when he is absolutely fine (e.g., your kid should have socks on when he had flung them off for the bazillionth time, you should be breastfeeding even though my milk wouldn't come and he has a severe dairy allergy, what's the matter with his head (brachycephaly due to being premie), and on and on and on and on. It really bothers my mom when we are out but I just ignore it. People are fuckers.

SPD is sensory processing disorder - so basically the senses don't "work" as we would expect so can be hyper or hypo sensitive. Things that most of us wouldn't even necessarily register can be painful for a person with SPD.

I have to avoid taking ds to Asda because the narrow aisles and loud "Asda FM" is too much for him and he can't cope. Whereas generally Tesco are wider and quieter so he can cope more there.

National Autistic society have a video on their website which shows what they think a trip to a shopping centre is like for someone with autism/SPD which is eye opening.

www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/tmi/about.aspx

How then is your point relevant to this thread? I think it is relevant because it explains why people might be staring, they might be frightened, nervous, autistic or just rude. It is just as unreasonable to assume that people staring are being rude and judgemental as it is to assume that any child making some sort of disturbance is badly brought up. Both sides might just be rude or sometimes they might have reasons for their behaviour. As I've said before a bit of tolerance on both sides is the answer.

SPD -

London it's really hard to say what you could do to help because everyone's different, I would appreciate any help and would probably cry with gratefulness if you offered to look after my trolley while I popped out to calm DS down. However, you would run the risk (with my DS) of getting hit or kicked if you got too close to him, and every other ASD child is different and your approaching could make matters worse. I'd look away when you know the child is safe or if you catch my eye just smile a bit.
In regards to "it's obvious he has ASD" I don't personally agree with that, I can usually tell an ASD child apart but I wouldn't think anyone who didn't have good knowledge would.
Like I said up post, I didn't know anything about Autism until I had my son and I might've thought a tantrumming child was being naughty. I still wouldn't have stared though.
I worked in a retail store while my son was a baby and if children were playing up while their parents were shopping I usually offered to keep them entertained, do the shopping for them or often hold the baby while they calm their older child.

grannytomine, I still don't understand how your specific account of your MIL being injured has anything to do with autism. You said you didn't know what the child's problem was.

Granny I don't know why I'm having to say this for maybe the fourth time? We've discussed your points up post.
20-30 people glaring at you with that look on their face don't all have medical issues or SN

Also, if my child ever hurt another person, and he has ran into people before, I apologise. I'm a human being. I'm sorry that lady was rude to your MIL, that's not on.