To ask people not to stare at my son

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I'm posting this here with the hope more people read it.
I have a son with ASD and today was a bad day, constant meltdowns, asking to go home and attempts to escape me but we had stuff we needed to do and no car with us (in the garage) so we couldn't just leave as we normally would.
I can deal with his meltdowns, he's my son and I've learnt how to cope with them. To be honest, a lot of it goes over the top of my head now and I won't play along with them unless I know he needs my direct attention.
I also know it's a bit shitty when you're trying to shop and there's a kid screaming next to you, but I just can't care about that.
He's having a difficult time out of routine and with the business of holidays, he was supposed to go to his dads today but he cancelled again, he hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks and my DS is confused.
But why do people have to stare?!
Today was the second time I've ever snapped at people in public, because dealing with my DS is hard enough, I don't need lots of pairs of eyes glaring at me as well. He's a child, with a disability, finding the day and surroundings hard. He's not a show.

Just a warning for that video for anyone with a child with SPD, it makes me cry every time I watch it.

If I see a child in distress in a public place, particularly if they are being restrained, I will watch for as long as it takes to check what the adult with them is doing.
It's not to interfere with children with ASD, it's to make sure they aren't being snatched by a stranger or bullied in some way. I'd want someone to check the same thing with my daughter.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff I'm sorry you don't seem to be able to understand but my point is that there might be reasons why people stare. The OP feels people are just rude and judgemental and maybe lots of them are but if we want people to empathise and understand our problems, and obviously OP has alot to cope with, we also need to think about why some people might react like that. Not everyone will be doing it because they are rude.

As I said earlier my husband has a serious spinal condition, a child bumping into him could result in him being bedbound in pain for weeks. My husband has to risk that if he is going to be able to go out and have a life, the person with an autistic child also has to take risks e.g. the child running away and into danger, the child causing a scene that results in people staring.

My point, for the final time, is if we want people to empathise with out difficulties we also need to empathise about their problems. I have every sympathy for the problems the OP has but if she sees me staring it won't be because I am being rude and judgemental it will be because I will be watching carefully so I can get between the child and my husband if a collision looks likely.

AlletrixLeStrange that lady was probably doing her best but obviously that wasn't how my MIL felt about it at the time. Please don't think I am excusing 20 or 30 people staring at your child, just trying to explain that it isn't always going to be because they are rude or judgemental. The problems reflect each other, you can't tell by looking at people why they are staring, people who see your child having a meltdown don't know if it is because they are naughty or have autism. There isn't anyway round that is there? If you saw my husband, 6ft tall and well built, being guarded by 5'3" me you would probably think I was being a bit over protective, believe me I am actually trying to protect me because looking after him when he is bed bound is no fun.

Anyway I hope your day has improved.

Nope still don't get how that justifies staring. A quick glance and moving away fair enough but staring? Surely if anything that is leaving yourself in more risk of potential harm from a child mid meltdown?

I dont believe people just stare out of concern or worrying they will get hurt.

People gawp and stare at my DD if she is just sitting there.

Very very rarely does someone smile and say hello to her.

Sirzy believe me I do stare because I worry about my husband. The last time his back was jolted, accidentally and no ones fault, he ended up in hospital paralysed from the waist down with no certainty that he would walk again so forgive me if I like to watch his back, quite literally, until we are well out of range.

But seriously what are you gaining by staring? How does that help the child or your husband?

Sirzy, forgot to add that my husband can't move out of the way quickly.

Sirzy, it helps because as my husband slowly moves away I will be watching in case the child moves in his direction so that I can make sure they don't make contact by getting in the way.

It is hard sometimes to understand other people's needs if you haven't lived with it yourself. I do know both sides as I have worked with adults with autism so I know what that is like and I have been my husband's carer for over 20 years.

Thanks all for the information, I watched that video, very emotional and powerful.

If it helps at all, I would love to receive a little card from a distressed parent of a kid with SEN saying how I could help. Something simple like "thanks for thinking of us, could you grab a glass of water" or "the best thing for us would be to give us space" etc...

You're all amazing parents and I bow down to you!

Dixie and that is very hard for the little boy but it doesn't mean other people don't have equally important considerations.

Ps Op-

You have opened my eyes so mission accomplished!

I am not a starer or a tutter or a commenter but I could potentially be a make-worse-whilst-trying-to-helper to will take the above advice on board.

But you can watch out without staring. Sorry I get you want to protect your husband but that can be done workout distressing others along the way.

When I was working with adults with autism we had cards which explained the situation and gave an emergency number to summon help. Sometimes that phone call saved the carer from serious injury.

Sirzy, well maybe you can define the difference between watching and staring? I'm not sure what the difference is, to me it is looking steadily at someone. Maybe I am not staring after all?

London -high five- that is what this post was for.
Not sure how it go so derailed
Regarding the cards, I do think they sound good too, however putting them into practice while chasing a 6 year old might prove difficult, I could just get mini versions and chuck them about like confetti?

Dixie I've seen a shirt with "autism is my superpower" and I'm dithering whether it's a good idea.
On one hand it might stop the staring/comments etc but on the other it's a bit like, he's more than autism?

Ds has an "auty not naughty" rucksack. Mainly because it's very strong for everything we need to carry and fits perfectly on the back of his chair!

I have a lot of nerve pain in neck and spine and also get injured easily.

If someone was having a meltdown I'd just move away I wouldnt stare at them so i was safe.