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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
DomJolyNurse · 01/06/2017 10:27

I think if you want to err on cautious side, just set up new account (without your name) and send link to dating website profile. Say something like "I am not sure if you are still engaged but he didn't mention he was in a relationship with anyone when we recently got together."
I'd want to know.
He might know it is you, but he doesnt for sure. He was taking precautions that someone he knows didnt see him with you. He knows he might get caught out.

birdspooping · 01/06/2017 10:30

If OP sets up a fb profile, does anyone know how to avoid it going into the 'other' box?

birdspooping · 01/06/2017 10:31

I.e how to avoid the message going unread for months/years until she happens to open up the other box

barrygetamoveonplease · 01/06/2017 10:34

Tell her. Normally, I'd say keep quiet but this chap is actively seeking women to shag and the poor girlfriend is about to commit to marriage.

MumBod · 01/06/2017 10:34

Move on.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/06/2017 10:37

If you send screenshots of your texts and his dating profile, it's irrefutable proof.

If he fobs her off after that, well, she will obviously be willing to believe anything!

DorkMaiden · 01/06/2017 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfessorPickles · 01/06/2017 10:40

Absolutely tell her OP, I couldn't ignore this.
Screenshot his dating profile, explain exactly what happened and off her screenshots of the messages between you two.

Would you want to be marrying this man?

Keep it anonymous if you want but PLEASE do it

TheNaze73 · 01/06/2017 10:41

You put it down to experience & move on. You have nothing to gain from doing it, I doubt she'll believe you anyway.

KRGP · 01/06/2017 10:46

I don't think he meant to tell you he had a girlfriend - sounds like a classic freudian slip!

If they weren't engaged, I'd say avoid it and move on but you cant let her marry someone like him.

Please tell her somehow.

GherkinSnatch · 01/06/2017 10:46

Of course you should tell her! If he already has an online dating profile you won't be the first time he's cheated and you certainly won't be the last. She deserves to know what she's marrying, and she deserves to know that she should be getting an STI check done (as should you OP, just to be safe).

MissBax · 01/06/2017 10:49

Oh god I'd definitely tell her. Have you made a decision?
Sorry to ask aswell - but did you use a condom? She needs to know he's putting her health at risk if he's sleeping with other women without protection (not that I'm suggesting you've got anything - you should probably get checked yourself!)

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 10:50

Ok, I've thought about these replies and decided to set up a profile but not use my real name or picture etc. I will report back on the outcome. I feel so bloody sick

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 10:50

We did use a condom yes

OP posts:
MommaGee · 01/06/2017 10:53

You have nothing to gain from doing it and no one should EVER do anything just because its the right things. Honestly some people are so selfish

MissBax · 01/06/2017 10:54

Good OP - it really is the right thing to do. If she chooses to not believe it ignore then that's her choice, but atleast you'll have done what you can from your side.

scampimom · 01/06/2017 10:56

I think you're being really brave, and are doing the right thing. She deserves to make her own mind up whether she wants to marry a lying, cheating man, not be duped into it by him.

birdspooping · 01/06/2017 10:58

Just to warn you, because you're not Facebook friends with the OP your message will go into a mysterious 'other' folder for which you don't get new message notifications. Most people rarely check this folder so messages can sit there for months/years unopened. Imagine if she only sees the message after she got married.

Not sure how to get around this, but would definitely try to find another means of contacting her.

JoJoSM2 · 01/06/2017 10:58

I'm really sorry this has happened to you :( must be very upsetting to find yourself in that situation.

Right decision. She's got the right to know. Any normal woman would want to know and break the engagement in that position. If she starts being weird with you, i.e. Blaming you etc., you can just block her messages and know they're as good as each other.

birdspooping · 01/06/2017 10:59

*OW not OP

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 11:02

I think you've made the right decision. A very brave decision, but the right one.

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 11:04

You could try adding her as a friend. Some people just add and you can always delete afterwards

honeyroar · 01/06/2017 11:04

I'd tell her as I'd want to know if I was her. I don't know what I'd think if I got a message from someone with no picture or anything. If I were you I'd say that is been talking to someone on an online dating site, had met up with him a couple of times and ended up sleeping with him. Afterwards he'd breezily said he had a girlfriend. On doing a bit of snoooping I believe it is you and I thought I should tell you. I'd say I am not interested in him, but thought I'd give you copies of messages/links to his account and you can do what you like with it. Sorry to cause you distress but I thought you know.

GabsAlot · 01/06/2017 11:04

good luck as pp hav said though it might go into spam folder which she might not check but suppose not alot u can do about that

lanouvelleheloise · 01/06/2017 11:06

I would want to know in her shoes. I think it'd be really important that the message was delivered with sensitivity, however. You'll basically be destroying her world.

Does she have Linkedin? That can be an easy way of getting contact details.