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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:

Beachhairdontcare · 01/06/2017 09:41

I would absolutely tell the poor girl, and give her a chance to find a decent bloke before she's married with two kids.

Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 09:41

You shouldn't have to be going over conversations to think if he'd hinted about his girlfriend. He was on a dating website so it's not hard to assume he was single!
The way he left things with you was also dickish- showing he only wanted you for one thing. Screenshot everything, including his dating profile, and tell her. She deserves the chance to get out of this before she marries him.

Original poster

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:42

It's difficult because I don't have facebook so I'm not sure how else I would get in contact with her and my friend has made it clear she doesn't want to get involved apart from finding out that info for me

OP posts:

TiredMumToTwo · 01/06/2017 09:42

She needs all the relevant information before committing to him by marrying him - I think this is relevant information. You need to give her the opportunity of making an informed choice of whether to marry the twat.

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 09:42

Bloody hell, definitely tell her. She deserves to know what type of creep she's looking at dedicating her life to

elevenclips · 01/06/2017 09:43

You should just completely keep out of it IMO. Concentrate on your own life, she is a stranger and may think you are trying to steal her fiancé etc.

Original poster

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:44

hibble I've gone over that in my head but by the looks of her profile she's absolutely besotted by him. I know it's not entirely impossible but I just find it unlikely!

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 01/06/2017 09:44

Set up a fb profile. Screenshot the texts and edit out your name/number.

Send her the screenshots with an apology, saying you didn't know he was engaged until after he'd had sex with you.

Then deactivate the fb account, block his number, and move on with your life.

Smellbellina · 01/06/2017 09:44

Definitely tell her, give her a chance to get out if she wants to before the wedding.

NormaSmuff · 01/06/2017 09:44

dont join facebook just for this, and if your friend doesnt want to get involved - chalk it up as a lucky escape. and move on.

CabernetSauvignyoni · 01/06/2017 09:45

She absolutely deserves to know.

You should tell her (gently!) so she can make an informed decision about the person she's with. If it's innocent and they do have an open relationship or something then she'll tell you and you can all move on. If not, you're giving her important information before she makes what could be a monumental mistake in marrying him.

Emily7708 · 01/06/2017 09:45

Given the fact that he will know it's you who told her and now knows where you live I'd probably just stay out of it. If he's that blatant he will be caught out soon enough.

Etymology23 · 01/06/2017 09:45

Couldn't you just get Facebook?

I think I'd have to tell. Just say the truth : you had assumed he was unattached and then after you'd got together he said the gf existed. You haven't contacted him since and obviously you're aware that some people have open relationships but that you knew if it were you in that situation you would want to know, so you thought you would say. You have screenshots of dating site and text messages if she wants them but you thought you wouldn't send them straight off in case she didn't. Also happy to tell her which website.

Original poster

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:46

My friend also said I should be worried of the repercussions as he knows where I live

OP posts:

icanteven · 01/06/2017 09:46

If you have internet access you have the ability to create a FB account. Obv. your friend shouldn't be doing it for you.

I would be inclined to get in touch with her (the girlfriend) and tell her, and if he shows his face again make it abundantly clear what an utter bastard he is.

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 09:47

no, i wouldnt, it wont help you, it will harm their relationship

It ISBN about helping OP. Hopefully it'll harm their relationship enough for her to leave the cheating shit. Or its an open relationship and she wont care.

Those that say don't tell - if I have sex with your partner tonight, would you really rather not know? What of I'm just yet another in a long line of.women. What if the condom breaks and I get pregnant? Or pass on an STI?

PoorYorick · 01/06/2017 09:47

In this case, I would tell.

ElspethFlashman · 01/06/2017 09:49

I'd do it. Set up an account and delete it later.

How awful for her.

DontBeDaftEh · 01/06/2017 09:49

Absolutely 100% tell her!

You can easily set up a fb account.

You'd want to know, most people would want to know. She needs to know what kind of person he is before she makes a mistake and marries him!

You really don't need to worry about him coming to your door... get a chain or a spy hole or just look out the window before you open the door.
If he does show up then give him 1 warning to leave and if he doesn't then immediately call the police. IF it happens then stamp these things in the bud and it should be enough to stop him.

HildaOg · 01/06/2017 09:50

Stay out of it. There's no benefit to you inserting yourself in their relationship, your friends are right to be worried. You don't know these people, he knows where you live, you have no idea what they'll throw back at you.

Block him and stay out of it. If he's that publicly active on dating sites, one of her friends or family will see him and tell her.

BorisTrumpsHair · 01/06/2017 09:50

oh hell yes, I would tell her. What an utter prick! Send her screen shots of his active dating profile, test messages, and how he represented himself to you as single until AFTER he slept with you on X date.

MimiSunshine · 01/06/2017 09:50

I do think you should tell her. Wouldnt you have wanted someone to tell you that he wasn't single before you emotionally and sexually invested in him? She's marrying the guy.

I would t worry about him knowing where you live, he's a cheating scum bag but unlikely to be a burglar or murderer.

Don't get in touch with him first though, what can he say that would be helpful to you?

It takes all of 30 seconds to join fb (or you may be able to see her email address on her profile), just send her a brief outline of what happened and tell her you have proof if she wants it and that you won't be contacting him again.

Gah81 · 01/06/2017 09:51

Tell her. I was in an incredibly similar situation and didn't tell his poor fiancee when I found out about her because I didn't want to get involved.

They are now married and I still get twinges of guilt every so often because if it had been me, I would have wanted to know (but I also didn't know her at all and so copped out). I just balked at getting involved in their business and also didn't want to seem like the vindictive, scheming cow who MUST have known he was engaged (and believe me, I didn't! He got drunk one evening after we'd been seeing each other a few weeks and the word 'fiancee' slipped out. I ended up chucking him out into the thunder and lightning without an umbrella and after the tubes/trains had stopped running. Twat.).

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 09:52

HildaOg so you honestly wouldnt want to be told? You'd be happy for him to be sleeping with a woman every 2-3 weeks and it just be kept a secret?

There's no benefit to you inserting yourself in their relationship are people really so selfish that they only ever do things to benefit themselves and never because its the right thing to do

givemethecake · 01/06/2017 09:53

I probably wouldn't bother setting up a Facebook account just for this, it would like like a new fake member just trying to stir stuff. ... unless you send her his dating account and all the messages.

She definitely deserves to know. He's a dickhead.

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