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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
brianna5 · 03/06/2017 20:32

I just don't get all these vengeful messages. A woman knows when she is been cheated on with or without the help from another woman. You will be wasting your time to contact a woman like me.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 03/06/2017 20:41

Where is the OP?

TinyTickler · 03/06/2017 20:41

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Leave well alone, you'll just look bitter.

bencrone03 · 03/06/2017 20:43

It's normal that most men on dating sites are usually attached. Because men are sleazy

SuperFlyHigh · 03/06/2017 22:09

brianna if you read OP's original post she said she knew of the GF etc. she probably knew where he lived when she went to his house. So you're saying you have to know a man's postal address before you sleep with him?!

And it's 'and' not 'N'.

OP isn't coming back can't say I blame her.

Me personally I wouldn't bother contacting this man as it does sound a bit vengeful. But I understand why OP feels a bit taken in and hurt by someone who is dishonest and just after sex. I'm sure most of the other women on this thread would be disappointed if they'd slept with a man and found out afterwards that he was spoken for, eg had a girlfriend. They'd also feel a bit betrayed etc trust wise.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/06/2017 22:12

bencrone yes of course all the men on the dating sites are attached and sleazy. Hmm

OK that means the man I dated for 2 years and lived with met him on match affinity. Man I met on another site doingsomething dated for 4 months. Man I met on can't think of name but not POF dated last year turned out to be friend of younger brother! Current SO, met on Tinder, dating since start of Feb! They're all cheaters! Hmm

MrsGrogg · 03/06/2017 22:49

For evil to succeed all it takes is for the good to do nothing.

tell her.

p.s ok he might not actually be evil but you get my point.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 00:25

He sounds sleazy and evil. Sex under false pretenses.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 04/06/2017 12:14

I have been cheated on, wish someone had told me so I didn't waste my time on a low life scumbag who caused me years of pain and affected our dc lives.

Tell her, you are not making her do anything, if she chooses to stay with him she does it with the knowledge that he has cheated on her and is on a dating site, if she leaves you have possibly helped her avoid future heartache with maybe children thrown into the mix.

I had a very close friend who got involved with a married man who was known to have cheated many times on his dw. I warned her she said she knew what he was like and that he would never cheat on her eventually she fell out with me over him, although he left dw for friend I know he is still sleeping with her (wife is a friend) and possibly with another woman. Had he been doing this and I had not warned her I would feel guilty, but I know I did what I could

kastiekastie · 04/06/2017 14:53

I don't understand how some comments seem to wish to preserve his relationship, how has he earnt any loyalty from the poster?

I seriously believe the fiancee deserves to know before she chooses to sink everything into a relationship with this man.

(Evil happens when good (wo)men do nothing...)

He won't necessarily be happy about it but broaden your shoulders and thicken your skin to weather that storm. It does also offer you a bit of a chance at payback, and if that's your motive, who could blame you, but either way, the fiancee is about to sink a whole lot more into this relationship if she marries this self-serving man. She may later find out and dump him but then need to go to the expense and upheaval of leaving a home, divorce, telling children etc.

I would want to know asap. Good luck with your decision either way.

kastiekastie · 04/06/2017 14:55

ah Mrs Grogg, same thought with the evil quote ;-)

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 15:06

Kastie; except he's a stranger who knows where she lives, she has no idea of his history or his capabilities (of his fiances for that matter). If she interferes and disrupts his relationship he may react very badly and she could be placing herself in danger. People shouldn't be encouraging and cheering that on. It doesn't matter whether he deserves to be caught out, she shouldn't be foolish enough to put herself at risk. It won't be worth it if he or his fiancee turn out to be a pschyo.

Serialweightwatcher · 04/06/2017 16:42

You need to do what you would want to happen if it were you as the fiancee ... of course she should know because if he's like this now, what sort of life will she have?

Lulujk85 · 04/06/2017 18:32

I've not read every single comment so I don't known if this has already been suggested, but if it were me and I knew where she lived I would print out a copy of his dating profile (assuming it's still live) - and send it to her. That way she will look into his fidelity herself and question why the profile is up there etc and he won't know who sent her it, it could be anyone and op could deny it if he turned nasty.

Rumeameke1978 · 05/06/2017 07:19

Your friend has a good point there, you really need to consider that he knows where you live. The last thing you want is him coming back to your's looking for trouble. For that reason alone, I would keep it to myself

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/06/2017 07:51

i don't understand why you snooped on him after he told you he had a girlfriend just block his number and move on

It's not your business you have no idea what is going on in their lives she may turn a blind eye she may not

If she were your close friend and you know he partner was cheating that would be different but she isn't

Unless you feel your role is to hold up the morals of other people and inform on others who fall beneath what you feel is acceptable behaviour

user1493022079 · 05/06/2017 11:35

If you don't tell her, someone else will. If you know of her (so assuming you have friends who know her), this will come out anyway and if she's a decent person she would want to know why you didn't say something earlier. I know I would want to know.
If he's still on the dating site, and was happy to leave things with you after a 1 night stand, it sounds like he's just looking for a bit of fun and will just keep doing this.
The girlfriend has a right to know, especially as they are engaged to be married. Short term pain is going to prevent long term heartbreak in this case.

Realjournal123 · 06/06/2017 17:09

Remember that he will know who shopped him and he knows where you live. ....just saying as you never know with some people. He may seek revenge.

FeeLock28 · 06/06/2017 20:16

I can't honestly see how her life would be bettered by your telling her. Firstly, it possible that she is either aware of his behaviour and is overlooking it; secondly, she may be doing likewise; thirdly, how would the conversation go? Would you visit her personally and say, "Um ... it's like this ..."? An email, text, or phone call would be awful for her. Fourthly, she may not believe you and turn on you.

I appreciate that you're really in the horns of a dilemma, but if I were in your position, I'd keep mum.

NancyWake · 06/06/2017 20:46

You can't see that a woman would be better off for knowing her fiancé is calculatedly betraying her and jeopardising her sexual health. Really?

hollyisalovelyname · 07/06/2017 17:20

Personally I would like to know.
Even anonymously - I could investigate myself then.

buzzmoon · 07/06/2017 17:44

Come back OP

indigox · 07/06/2017 18:30

Remember that he will know who shopped him and he knows where you live.

He's on a dating site, chances are she's not the only one.

Fabulousdahlink · 20/06/2017 06:49

I'd like to add something to the thread...Please consider finding a way to let her know. I am now in the situation that having been sexually exclusive to husband for 24 years...and so low risk for STI's...I discover he has been serially unfaithful and my sexual health is compromised because of his behaviour. I have just booked an appointment at GUM clinic as many STI's have no symptoms. Some STI's untreated can cause infertility if left untreated.
Please find a way to let her know what is happening. Not only does she need to know before they marry, but presumeably she might be looking to have children in the future. You may have used barrier contraception with him...but he may not have with other partners, or with her. His behaviour is compromising her sexual health without her consent.
You need to wait 12 weeks between sexual contact and testing if you want to be checked for syphillis- so she will need to know when it happened.

faithinthesound · 20/06/2017 07:54

To what end?

It won't erase what you've done, and instead it will hurt that poor girl who has done nothing wrong. Sleeping with him can be called an "accident", if you really didn't know he had a girlfriend. Deciding to tell her is a deliberate act on your part that literally will do nothing but cause pain.

Additionally, you stand a very good chance of being painted as "the bad guy" - "that evil Jezebel who stole mah man!" when in actuality, he is a dog and if anyone needs to feel guilty it ought to be him.

Don't tell her. If she's to be told, it should come from him. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he places a very high premium on honesty, if he's out trawling for more booty while he's ostensibly in a relationship. Put him - AND her - out of your head and look for someone new.