Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Woolly17 · 01/06/2017 10:07

I've been in the position and I'd much much rather have known before the relationship got serious, before the relationship lasted years and frankly had I known everything I knew afterwards ... ugh ugh ugh I could have avoided 4 years of confusion and heartbreak. I wasn't even married or engaged to the guy.
If you can see her facebook profile and know her name see if she's elsewhere on social media as well. Set up a temporary facebook profile, message her with a screenshot of the dating profile and ask to confirm if the lying toad is her boyfriend as you've been on a few dates with him.
He's hoping you won't ever tell and that he can continue cheating on her.

CardinalCat · 01/06/2017 10:07

I think you can freely admit that you have set up the fb profile as you had no other way of contacting her. Once she sees his texts and profile, the evidence is all that matters anyway.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/06/2017 10:08

There is every chance you will be painted as some sort of jealous psycho who is making it all up. Be prepared for that.

SallySunbeams · 01/06/2017 10:09

The partner of the person my fiancé was seeing behind my back messaged me on Facebook to let me know 3 months before the wedding and thank god he did, no way should you keep this to yourself OP. She might not believe you, she might not act on what you say but she might be relieved to have found out before she married him.

Maudlinmaud · 01/06/2017 10:10

I've read posts where a wife or girlfriend is contacted by another woman, saying they have slept with the partner.
People always blame the other woman and think she is shit stirring.
Honestly I would move on and not get into that position again. The fiance might want to know or she might want to bury her head in the sand and concentrate on her wedding. It takes a really brave person to cancel a wedding.
It's not right. He is in the wrong not you.

BluePeppers · 01/06/2017 10:10

The answers oon this this thread re interesting.
A ew days ago there was a similarthread abut a father her his dd who had fund out about him having an affair.
The overwheleming answer was to tell the mum.

But somehow tis time, its 'don't tell her, you will damage their relationship' Hmm

I would tell her. She needs to know that even though he is engaged and planning to get married, he is quite happily still having ONS and is on a dating website.
She might or she might not listen. She might forgive. But at least she will do so knowing the facts.
And YOU woudnt damage their relationship. HE has by behaving the way he did.
The se people can only carry on like this because people are afraid to make waves and think its not their problem.

BluePeppers · 01/06/2017 10:11

And to avoid the idea of the shit stirring, i would send a copy/screen shot of the texts and the dating site.

Emily7708 · 01/06/2017 10:11

The repercussions may not just be a case of him possibly turning up at OP's house. We had a problem with an incompetent plumber a few years ago and refused to pay his full invoice. For an entire year we were subjected to crank calls (had to change number twice), pizza and curry deliveries, police turning up at our door several times as there had been (fake) reports of a woman screaming. We had several unordered skips delivered while we were at work. We were signed up for numerous postal marketing companies. We had actual shit left on our drive and car and the worst day was a dead animal placed on our doorstep which greeted my children as we were leaving for school. We moved house fairly recently so it's over but the experience taught me how extremely nasty and vindictive people can be. You hardly know this bloke so please be careful.

Missb00 · 01/06/2017 10:13

Yes.

I'd want to know if I was the girlfriend ☹️

FelineEleganza · 01/06/2017 10:13

If you do it, And I personally think you should, you NEED to be factual. Include all the screenshots both conversation and his profile, explain briefly that he didn't tell you she existed and then I'd block them both.

junglebookisthebest · 01/06/2017 10:13

Who cares if they don't believe you - but you have done what's right.
I would set up the profile but don't use your real full name e.G. If your name is charlotte Louise Smith then set it up as first name Louise and surname Lotte. Don't use a photo of you but upload something general e.G. mickey mouse. Also set up a new email on yahoo or Gmail to support this profile - don't use your real one. I can't remember if address is compulsory - if it is just look up a shop address in your town.
Explain that you don't use fb but it was the only way of contacting her - send message and friend request and send the screen shots...
If she gets defensive or anything just delete the profile and think no more of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2017 10:15

I know what you're saying but if you set up a dummy account with a link to his dating profile, he cannot deny this. If you wish to remain anonymous from him, you don't even need to send screenshots of his texts. Telling her you slept with him before he then he told you he was in a relationship is enough information to give her. You don't need to get involved further.

alltalknobaby · 01/06/2017 10:16

Does she have any contact details on her Facebook like an email address? Or do you have Twitter or Instagram and could you look her up on there? Alternatively Google her name and town and have a quick trawl - sometimes you can find a mobile number this way.

The advice is always going to be split 50/50 whether to tell her or not. Just ask yourself, would I want to know? And there is your answer. Do this girl a favour. I'd want to know.

tabbymog · 01/06/2017 10:16

I'd stay out of it and move on. The sisterhood doesn't work the same for every woman.

That he knows where you live is important to consider and he'll obviously associate the timing with you. You don't know him that well, there could be a really nasty side to him.

Hissy · 01/06/2017 10:16

Sure it will hurt her like nothing else... but way more than if she marries this liar and has kids with him before she finds out he's done the dirty on her

Be honest with her, he has to know that one day he'd get rumbled

PovertyPain · 01/06/2017 10:17

I agree with CardinalCat, tell her you've set up the account to warn her. If he so much as phones you, make yourself appear as if he would be biting off more than he can chew, if he messes with you. Chances are he'll back the fuck off if he thinks you're not afraid of him. Do not give him the slightest hint that you're afraid.

Its up to her, weither or not she believes you, but at least you've tried.

robinsongyal · 01/06/2017 10:18

I'd tell her if I were you! If your friend doesn't want to contact the girlfriend you could ask her to check the girl's fb details for an added email address, because alot of people choose to include one! You can then block the email address when you've sent the message Smile

Branleuse · 01/06/2017 10:18

id tell her

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 10:19

and not get into that position again OP met a guy she thought was single and had sex with him. There's nothing she did wrong and nothing she could have done to know. She's not to blame

rizlett · 01/06/2017 10:22

It's not your business op.

Let go, let go, let go.

Are you choosing the path to happiness? Nope!

Be grateful he hasn't strung you along for months.

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 10:22

If you'd known about the girlfriend before you had sex, I'd say your as bad as him and should therefore leave it be.

BUT you didn't know (and presumably wouldn't of had sex if you had of known) so he lied to you, his lying to her while out shagging others and I doubt it's only you. So I'd tell you, I would simply stick to the facts. Yes it will hurt the girl in question but better to know now than marry a man that can't keep his penis in his pants!

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 10:24

rizlett so if I have sex with your partner you'd rather not know and it just keep on happening until someone turns up pregnant or with an sti5?

dingodon · 01/06/2017 10:26

His fiancé has the right to make an informed decision before taking on such a big commitment of marriage and all that that entails.

WateryTart · 01/06/2017 10:26

Take a screen shot of his dating profile. Join FB under a fake name and send it to her. She has a right to know.

Helpmegetthisoutmymind · 01/06/2017 10:26

If you do tell her can you let us know how it went?
I would be eternally grateful if someone had the courage to tell me.