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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Notsandwiches · 01/06/2017 09:54

Are you able to send a link to his dating profile to the girlfriend

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/06/2017 09:54

protect yourself first OP

what guarantee do you have that we wont visit your house, shout at you and harass you if you do this? as he will be fuckling PISSED

Morally she has right a right to know, but you don't know him and how he will react. some people kill for this, seriously. just be careful OP

PuckeredAhole · 01/06/2017 09:54

I wouldn't. Think of your own safety. You don't know what their reactions will be. Move on.

JessieMcJessie · 01/06/2017 09:54

What an utter utter wanker. I can see you'd want to warn the girlfriend but also think that you could open a can of worms by getting involved, and he could indeed turn nasty.

Maybe you should buy one of those billboards/make some flyers and put his dating site profile up on it....then deny it was you (as there are probably multiple women who it could have been, sadly..)

That was a joke suggestion by the way.

Did the girl's FB say where she worked? You could post her a printout of his dating profile to her work address maybe?

prettywhiteguitar · 01/06/2017 09:54

I would tell her and report him to the dating site, he's basically using it to sleep with women. Totally disgusting behaviour and I would have no qualms about warning his poor fiancé.

usernoidea · 01/06/2017 09:54

I'm not sure what I would do but I just wanted to say sorry that you found a guy like that. You are being pretty dignified so far, I'm not sure I would be....

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/06/2017 09:55

I'm sorry you've encountered such a lying prick. Sad

As much as you are "doing the right thing" by telling his gf, don't do it.

You don't know this man, he's fed you a pack of lies, so you don't know how he or his gf will react. he has your home address and could react angrily.

40somethingwonderful · 01/06/2017 09:55

I'd tell too. As others have suggested send screenshots of him active on the he dating website and any messages.

PovertyPain · 01/06/2017 09:56

I can't believe the number of posters that are telling the OP to stay out of it! This poor young woman is going to marry this piece of shit and he's screwing around behind her back. If he's on a dating website it's likely that he's doing this regularly.

The young woman has far more to loose if she goes ahead with the wedding. It's harder to leave a marriage, shared finances, a home, and possibly children, than to break up before getting married. Help her by giving her the evidence that he's a cheating scumbag. That way you can save her from becoming one of the many women that post on mumsnet upset when they find out their whole marriage has been a lie.

Set up your Facebook account and message her. Make it plain that you have thought long and hard about it and you're so sorry to upset her, but you didn't know he was in a relationship. Can you post her his dating profile? If he contact you in any way, and is threading, tell him you will report him to the police. Chances are he'll be too busy digging his way out of a hole to bother you.

Figgygal · 01/06/2017 09:56

Definitely find a way to tell her what a rat!!!

AlletrixLeStrange · 01/06/2017 09:57

A very similar thing happened to me and I told her, showed her screenshots on request too but he somehow managed to convince her I'd fabricated the entire thing because I was madly in love with him Hmm

fuckwitery · 01/06/2017 09:57

It's all rather odd. Why would he tell you he has a girlfriend? Why not lie, leave and then ignore you?

charliebear78 · 01/06/2017 09:57

IF you had Facebook-You probably would have checked up on him sooner and known he had a GF before you slept with him!!! -just saying-not helpful though I know....(FB is great for this kinda thing and I have used it myself to check out potential dates when i was using a internet dating site many years ago)
Not sure what I would do,part of me would want to tell as I would feel mad he used me in this way(and probably others) yet another part would not want to get involved as others have said you barely know him.

Patchouli666 · 01/06/2017 09:59

You'll be breaking her heart but God, isn't that better than a few years down the line when the poor bugger has a couple of young kids and is posting on here for advice after finding out abouther husbands double life
And NormsStuff
'no, i wouldnt, it wont help you, it will harm their relationship' and
'you hardly know him, and you dont even know her.
Stay out of their lives, etc'

Really? He involved op in his life she didn't kidnap him and force him to cheat with her. Or to lie.

CoughingForWeeks · 01/06/2017 09:59

If you do decide to tell her and you're worried about repercussions, could you maybe keep it vague at first? You don't have to give her your real name or upload a photo. Chances are you're not the only woman he's done this to so he won't know for definite that it's you.

I had a similar experience at the start of this year and that ratbastard mentioned three times in writing that he was single, before mentioning his 'divorce' when we met. He even lied to me about his surname but luckily I am a Facebook stalking investigation expert ;)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/06/2017 10:00

I'm sorry he did this to you, what a prick.

She deserves to know.

I'd take screen shots of his dating profile & keep his text.

Ask your friend to see if you & his girlfriend have any mutual friends who you might be able to get her phone number or email address from. If not, set up a Facebook account.

Do her the favour of knowing what her boyfriend is up to before she ends up married to the bastard.

Patchouli666 · 01/06/2017 10:00

...and sounds like a relationship that is 'ruined" anyway. Bloody hell!

PovertyPain · 01/06/2017 10:01

Threatening, not threading. *

ChrisPrattsFace · 01/06/2017 10:01

I've been in this exact position before (minus the dating profile! we met in a different way)
He then told me he had a GF, then begged me not to tell her. I didn't say anything, i knew i had done nothing wrong as i never knew she existed. About two months later he told her, and she sent me hundreds of threatening messages... I can't help but feel if i told her first, i could have got my story across, then blocked and avoided from there. Rather than me being turned into a target.

Whatever you decide - make sure YOU are comfortable with the decision, don't let others decide for you.
Good Luck OP.

memyselfandaye · 01/06/2017 10:01

Did you use condoms OP?

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/06/2017 10:03

I would tell her but if he is so practiced at deception just be prepared for her not to believe you.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 10:03

That's why I'm worried about setting up a Facebook account because won't it look like a fake account if I've got no profile pic or previous pics or posts? I'm worried he might fob that off by saying it's a fake profile

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 01/06/2017 10:05

I would tell. it may be that he and his fiancée have a polyamorous relationship, in which case she won't mind being told, but I strongly suspect this is not the case, given that he made no mention of polyamory to the OP whilst wooing her.

As for how to tell, do you only have her FB profile, and no other contact details?

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 10:06

I'd do it any way and just explain. Its not your responsibility if he fobs her off. It might sow the seed of suspicion anyway

memyselfandaye · 01/06/2017 10:06

My post sounded a bit blunt. I just meant do you need to have an sti check? Cos if he did'nt use condoms with you then he probably does'nt with anyone else.

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