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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
x2boys · 01/06/2017 11:06

i would leave them to it ,you have no idea if they have an open relationship ,he may well be a twat for doing this but you dont know this women do you honestly want to tell her because you feel bad for her or because of the way he treated you ? Iwould move on.

Amethistle · 01/06/2017 11:07

Can't believe some people are telling OK that it's none of her business and not to say anything to his fiancee. I take it all of you believe that ignorance is bliss/what you don't know can't hurt you? Would you really want to marry a man who did this behind your back?

Tell her, OP. You may just save her from a lifetime of betrayal.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:07

Forget it. She won't believe you, and you run the risk of being subject to abuse from both of them - he knows where you live ffs!

Amethistle · 01/06/2017 11:07

*OP

Orangecake123 · 01/06/2017 11:11

I would tell her.

She deserves to marry someone better than him.Let her decide after she knows the truth.

chipscheeseandgravy · 01/06/2017 11:12

Send her a message. She might be aware he sleeps with other people and be fine with it (although i find that unlikely). At the very least she should be aware of what he's doing. If she chooses to ignore it, that's her decision. Send her screenshots of your conversations, and tell her which dating site he's on, so she can see for herself.
It's better she finds out before the wedding than after it.

Miniwookie · 01/06/2017 11:13

I think you're doing the right thing op.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/06/2017 11:13

If it wasnt for the fact that he knows where you live I would say tell her but he does.....so don't.

Look, if he's on a popular dating site someone who knows him or her is going to see him on there anyway. I know she has the right to know but honestly, just let it go and not put yourself at the risk of any back lash. He will shoot himself in the foot anyway, just let someone else load the bullet.

QuintessentialShadow · 01/06/2017 11:14

Dont.
He knows where you live.

TheFaerieQueene · 01/06/2017 11:14

Of course you must tell her. She needs to ensure he hasn't passed on any sti's if nothing else. As do you OP.

mynameislolita · 01/06/2017 11:15

.

CardinalCat · 01/06/2017 11:17

Honestly, all of this 'he knows where you live ' stuff. Do people live in an alternate world from me? In the highly unlikely scenario where, upon being caught with his dick out, this chap decides that instead of focussing his energy on saving his relationship, he's instead going to go round to the OP's house and shout and bawl and cause a scene, then all the OP has to do is call the police. Then he will have more to worry about than being caught cheating.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:18

if he's on a popular dating site someone who knows him or her is going to see him on there anyway

Exactly. When I was OLD, I was matched with four people I actually already knew IRL within half a day of joining! Unless his profile is completely anonymous then he will absolutely be busted - and if it is anonymous then sending her screenshots will prove nothing.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/06/2017 11:22

Cardinal I'm sure there is a lot more than just cause a scene that he could do. OP does not know him that well, she has no idea what he could potentially do. I'm just saying it's not worth the possibility of putting herself at risk, someone will out him eventually so I think she should leave well alone and move on.

Softkitty2 · 01/06/2017 11:23

If you tell her and she still chooses to be with him then you have done your part. I think you would feel worse if you kept quiet and they proceeded to get married.

Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 11:24

Absolutely agree with pp saying don't, he knows where you live. He'll suspect it's you.

You've snooped online to find his girlfriend, are planning to set up a fake account to contact her. He'll just portray you as a crazy stalker and maybe spread the word round locally. You have proof of his messages but not that he actually came to your house and slept with you. Your word against his, she doesn't know you, she'll believe him.

I also suspect your real motive in telling her is due to the way he treated you.

This isn't her fault, she'll find out another way from someone she actually knows and trusts if he does this regularly with local women.

Move on.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 11:26

Ok so my friend has found her email address on Facebook so not going to set up the account I'm just going to send her an email

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:26

all the OP has to do is call the police

So that'd be alright then Hmm

I don't think him rocking up and causing a scene (or worse) is unlikely at all, and even if it was then it wouldn't be a risk worth taking. Imagine if op's children (if she has any) were there to witness it?

A man who actively seeks out and shags women (presumably behind his fiancée's back) months before his wedding isn't someone I'd trust to behave reasonably.

Scrumptiousbears · 01/06/2017 11:27

I think you're doing the right thing OP. She can then make her decision to stay or go. Better now than when they are married and with kids.

KC225 · 01/06/2017 11:29

If I was marrying a guy in a few months and he was active on a dating site I would want to know. This is not a 'got drunk at the Christmas party and had a fumble' discretion. He us picking up women and wooing them. To say that OP is not involved is not fair - she met a charming guy after a long time being single. He decived them both, I hope the girlfriend kicks his pathetic arse into the gutter.

Good for you OP. Let her know and what she does with that information is up to her.

Neverknowing · 01/06/2017 11:30

I think you're doing the right thing!
I'd also send her a picture of a screenshot to his profile so she doesn't think your lying and he can't delete it before she sees anything.
Marriage is very permanent and she needs to know before she gets married, if she chooses to go through with it thats her choice. He's clearly still doing it (sleeping around) and it'd be horrible for her to find out later Sad because she will find out at some point, poor woman !

wowfudge · 01/06/2017 11:31

If you are going to do it send her a screenshot of his OLD profile, preferably showing today's date.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:32

To repeat myself repeating BettySwollocks -

someone who knows him or her is going to see him on the dating site anyway

Don't put yourself in the firing line - there is absolutely no need.

CardinalCat · 01/06/2017 11:32

So are we meant to live our lives unable to speak out against injustice just because of what some arsehole might do when he gets upset at getting caught? Would you testify in court if you saw someone being assaulted, or are you scared that the bad man might come after you too?

I'm really not up for letting the bad men win, tbh.

WellErrr · 01/06/2017 11:33

I would tell her. With proof though.