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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Raggydolly3 · 02/06/2017 23:58

My god there are some really thick judgemental people on this thread.

The OP was single and quite rightly thought the guy was single as he was on a dating site.
If you think the Op had sex too soon I suggest you crawl back under your rocks and keep crawling till you get back to the 1950s

luckylorca · 03/06/2017 00:01

Just google them - together and seperately. That way, you will have her contact details. Send the bare facts/screenshots etc. Don't identify yourself with where and when things happened and don't use a photo.

But I WOULD let her contact you again, rather than just blocking her, to ensure that she can check you're not a troll and for her to ask any additional questions (to get her head round it all). if/when needed.

I would also try to include something very personal that he has/likes/does etc when you write to her, so she knows it's true. Birthmark on bum maybe?!) so she knows you're not just making it all up!

Italiangreyhound · 03/06/2017 00:01

Minnievintage "My friend also said I should be worried of the repercussions as he knows where I live"

If you are worried about your safety, put yourself first. You do not need to reveal your identity, if he is on this dating site he has been seen my many other people and maybe slept with many.

If you wish to set up a fake Facebook account you can do so, then you could message her and say you know who she is (she may think you are a friend of hers letting her know) and you know who her boyfriend is, you've seen his profile on a dating site.

You don't even need to say you slept with him. You certainly do not need to send her any picture of screen shots.

Ultimately, it is not in any way your fault that this happened and it is not your responsibility to let her know.

Italiangreyhound · 03/06/2017 00:11

DaddyFirstTime "...leave the poor women out of it, it shouldn't come from you!!"

Who do you think it should come from, him, do you think he will suddenly come clean?

If the OP feels able to tell the other woman, using her own name of anonymously, so be it. I'd want to know. But OP I would not put yourself at risk to tell another person. Wait a few day/weeks and message her, if you wish to suggest she doesn't confront him but in stead signs up to the dating agency herself and sees his profile there. Yes, he could talk his way out of it but it would sow the seeds for her.

Ultimately do what you can manage to do. He is he villain of the piece.

farangatang · 03/06/2017 00:37

For all you know they have an 'open relationship' and the fiancée is totally on board with his behaviour!

In that case it won't bother her to know.

In the far more likely case that she would be devastated to be cheated on and disrespected in the manner he has done, she is better off knowing the truth.

As PPs have said, if you are concerned with repercussions then try to give her the info anonymously.
As much as the truth would hurt now, it would be far worse coming out after they are married and have further established their life together!

princesscasino · 03/06/2017 01:24

He sounds like a sociopath. I mean, he deliberately made sure not to tell you before he had sex with you, otherwise you wouldn't have... afterwards he casually mentioned it deliberately as well. He likes playing power games with peoples emotions and he definitely has no conscience or scruples.
It's possible they have an open relationship I suppose but unlikely!
Normally I'd say don't get involved. But that's what everyone usually says and don't they also say that for evil to prosper, good people only have to do nothing to stop it... so yes, tell her. Then she can get out and find someone decent while she still can.

metspengler · 03/06/2017 02:28

Why would all these people not tell someone BEFORE they marry him? Obviously you have to tell someone before they make a commitment intended to be life long and potentially all of the rest of their life, or even just piss away their youth in a marriage stolen from them by a liar.

Even anonymously, you let someone know if there is still a chance to avert a life of misery.

Chloe84 · 03/06/2017 06:28

DaddyFirstTime

Curious as to why your posting on Mumsnet when you don't have children!

Curious as to why you're not on Dadsnet if you're a dad?

ighinici · 03/06/2017 06:57

please tell her. i was once "the girlfriend" and would've really appreciated being told. the argument that "it's none of your business" doesn't hold: her fiancé cheating on her is very much her business and it's her you would be telling, not yourself. and you could also specify that you didn't know he was involved (to avoid all potential hostility) :)

ImaLannister · 03/06/2017 07:02

I don't have Children but I'm on Mumsnet! It's not a requirement of the site. It's open to everyone FYI daddyfirstime 😂

LellyMcKelly · 03/06/2017 07:09

If I was her I would definitely want to know. Screenshot his OLD profile and texts. Create a FB account - send them, and then delete it.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 03/06/2017 07:11

Yes I would want to know, but seen as though your relationship never got off the ground, it's really not your place to tell her, liars and cheats always get found out in the end anyway, I bet she already knows what he's like. Just walk away and thank your lucky stars that you found out sooner rather than later what he's like. I would suspect that these dating websites are full of men and women who just want a bit of fun with complete strangers, so please be careful.

boolifooli · 03/06/2017 07:13

Make an new/anon email address. Email her saying you know them both and wanted to let her know you saw him out with another woman. If he confronts you claim ignorance.

boolifooli · 03/06/2017 07:14

I don't think anyone in their right mind wouldn't want to know about their fiancé having sex with other people.

morecoffeeplz · 03/06/2017 07:20

The person you're protecting if you don't tell her is HIM.

BalaRua · 03/06/2017 07:32

If it were me I'd be grateful you told me so I didn't end up married to this bin head.

EMSMUM16 · 03/06/2017 07:36

Yes let her know without making yourself vulnerable. He was dishonest to you too & it won't be the 1st or last time he's done it. If possible let her know via someone else like a mutual contact. Be wary though that he will deny it or somehow turn it around which is why I would suggest letting her know through someone else.

honeyroar · 03/06/2017 07:41

I'm smiling that people are saying don't tell on him because cheats always get caught out. Not unless someone is big enough and nice enough to tell on them!

tinkerx5 · 03/06/2017 07:49

You have to tell her if you are sure you can do this safely without any trouble coming back on you. I'm another one that would want to know before tying the knot with a nob like him and bearing is DC and agree with the others...if she already knows what he is like then it won't bother her much. Wouldn't it be hilarious if she used your info and created a profile on that dating site to hook up with him ...to be a fly on the wall! Seriously though if she confronts him about the date profile he sounds like the type of rat who would say his mates created it for him to wind him up. Anything she hears from him she is more likely to believe than you so ne prepared, and good luck X

Kmoggy · 03/06/2017 07:54

Personally I wouldn't because 1 he now knows where u live and 2 you have no idea what he is capable of as you don't by know him.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 03/06/2017 08:03

Aw honeyroar I'm glad your smiling, but seen as though this woman doesn't know him, he could easily become aggressive and do her harm, so if she ends up in A & E because she done "the right thing" then let's see if you're smiling then. It's better to walk away than get involved in someone else's relationship that you know absolutely nothing about.

Purplealienpuke · 03/06/2017 08:44

Op you've done nothing wrong.
He on the other hand is a dirty cheating bastard.
He's relying on you being too embarrassed or ashamed to approach his girlfriend/fiance and out him!
Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right for you but if I was in your situation I would find a way to tell her.
I've been that woman, to discover people knew & didn't tell me hurt more.
Good luck with your decision and be safe 💐

HildaOg · 03/06/2017 09:09

IsMyUser; absolutely agree with you. She doesn't know what he's capable of, she doesn't know his nature, he knows where she lives. If he's bad, she's going to be in danger especially if her information to the fiance has negative life changing consequences for him.

ImaLannister · 03/06/2017 09:10

You don't know the girl and she is about to marry a dick. Not your problem. I certainly wouldn't risk my safety etc just by doing the right thing. Your not obliged to tell her anything, and I personally wouldn't, it's not worth the potential repercussions.
Besides OP is long gone from here now, due to the bashing she got for sleeping with him in a short period of time. That's not what she came on here for.

Marymoosmum14 · 03/06/2017 09:15

Couldn't you set up a facebook profile, under a different name, send her a screenshot of just his dating profile, that should be enough to set her to finding out the rest herself. You delete the profile and it could have come from anyone.