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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Payitforward55 · 02/06/2017 21:05

I wouldn't tell her. Take your friend's advice and move on from this. You don't know how he will react and he knows where you live.

alim733 · 02/06/2017 21:05

Of course you should tell her. Imagine how she would if she found out much later on in life. Better she dumps the dickhead now and finds someone else - Will be much harder meeting someone later on in life !!!

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/06/2017 21:11

valeview you absolute cow, what a vile thing to say and ALSO read the original post. That along with the other unbelievably nasty arseholes I have seen on this thread. I have been on MN for a long time, but some of the things I have seen written here have left me speechless.

OP. I wish somebody had told me. That is all I can say. I wish wish wish somebody had. I don't believe you're spiteful and I think you've been treated appallingly by this man. He's a twat and you're well rid. However, I would 100% find a way to tell his GF. What she does with that information is up to her.

Flowers
LancelotLink · 02/06/2017 21:12

You're best off keeping out of it - he knows where you live, so why deal with the fallout of his shitty relationship.

If you want to do her a favour, then contact her anonymously with a screen shot of his dating profile, or pretend to be someone who saw him out at the 15 miles away pub with a mystery woman. Nothing identifiable as being you.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 21:17

valeview try reading the bloody thread first! He didn't tell the OP he had a GF until AFTER she'd been his conquest!

It's not a massive leap in assumption to assume the man's single if he signs up to a dating site and also states in said dating site that he is erm, single. Hmm

MeltingSnowflake · 02/06/2017 21:18

Absolutely tell her!! It doesn't sound like this is a one off, he knew what he was doing.

Don't message him - what's the point? Instead, just let her know, give her proof - she can do with the information what she will. She deserves to be with someone who loves her, and not to have her future wasted by this moron (said as someone who was cheated on - wish someone had told me!)

nocoolnamesleft · 02/06/2017 21:25

Bloody fucking hell, there is some very nasty misogynistic slut-shaming victim-blaming stuff on this thread. Have I accidentally slipped into a timewarp? Will we next be burning the witch at the stake?

Minnie - you did nothing wrong. You are a single unattached woman. You slept with someone who claimed to be a single unattached man. It is not your fault that he is a lying scumbag who is cheating on his fiancée. You're not the one threatening their relationship: he is, by fucking someone who isn't his girlfriend.

totorosfluffytummy · 02/06/2017 21:27

Of course you tell her.
You know that, you just need to figure out how.
You know if you were the girlfriend you would want to know.
Don't let her marry a ThunderCunt!!

Nanodust · 02/06/2017 21:30

Create a fake FB page, collect all the screen shots and then send his GF a PM.
Scum bag that he is.

IHeartDodo · 02/06/2017 21:40

I think you should tell her.
My cousin got a message from a random girl saying she'd found her boyfriend on tinder - apparently the girl matched with him and looked him up on facebook, then saw he had a girlfriend, so messaged my cousin to tell her.
As it was they had actually broken up very recently (I think only the day before), but it certainly helped her get over the waste of space.

tammy227 · 02/06/2017 21:41

This reply has been deleted

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TWINS77 · 02/06/2017 21:50

A girl that told my my then boyfriend cheated on me with her roomate while l was away, became one of my dearest friends, l didn't know her well, everybody knew he had a temper and it took real guts to do it but l was eternally grateful, packed my bags and moved out without a word, just leaving him a note to say he's been found out and l'm gone...
Second time it happened to me, so many of our friends knew and nobody said anything, it went on for ages until l found out by chance, it ripped my heart out, and it took me years to recover from it...
Make her aware she is marrying a complete dick, and if she want's to forgive and forget it's up to her,
you did the right thing and you can move on...
There are decent guys out there (but not that many Sad )
Best of luck

MurphyDog5 · 02/06/2017 22:00

Tell her, especially as his dating profile is still active. Once she has that information it's up to her whether she marries him or not.

sammyjayneexx · 02/06/2017 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elderberry9361 · 02/06/2017 22:05

Too tricky! I am wondering that as he is on the dating website is he or are they into polyamory or open relationships?. If so, my view would be that he needed to have been open about that with you and then you would have had a choice.

pollymere · 02/06/2017 22:43

I think you should tell her that you met him after seeing him on a dating site. That's plenty.

Pritchyx · 02/06/2017 22:52

I've been in this situation sort of, except i didn't sleep with him... he only ever seems to talk to me when him and his gf are "on a break", however he's lied to me continuously over the years of knowing him...
I've been dying to tell his girlfriend about what he's like behind her back but she seems so lovely so I don't want to be the "homewrecker" in blunt terms. It's tricky but if it was me and my boyfriend was cheating on me then I'd want to know!! She may get upset and/or angry at you, but you wasn't to know he had a girlfriend (unless you do some serious Fb investigating prior to a date!)
Good luck xx

ImaLannister · 02/06/2017 23:07

I wouldn't tell her. Their marriage and life together doesn't involve or have anything to do with you. Altho I can understand you want to do the right thing. You can't be saviour to try and save women from bad relationships/marriages. This happens all too often. She is besotted with him, and she will try to believe anything but you. You will be portrayed as the bad guy here, Altho it's not, it's him, we know this.
He knows where you live. Don't email her because you don't want her to have your email address either.
Too much is at stake here, for you.
Just let it go and leave it alone.

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/06/2017 23:14

I would tell her, poor cow. Bad enough that she's set to marry a cock-juggling thundercunt, let alone the fact that there's at least one person who could potentially save her from making a massive, expensive, heartrending mistake.

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/06/2017 23:17

It matters not one iota what the girlfriend thinks of her, how she takes the information or what happens. THAT part is none of OP's business.

However, I would set up a separate Gmail / FB account and message her with everything, including screenshots of your conversations.

Nocaketomorrow · 02/06/2017 23:27

It does seem a bit like he's almost dating you to tell her. He could of just left and then not returned your calls and didn't need to mention her at all. Very odd and how horrible for you. One thing about setting up a Facebook profile is that if you message the gf and you're not friends then she won't get notified of your message and may not see it for ages, if at all.
Not sure what I'd do in this circumstance, but if I was the gf, I'd want to be told.

user1485778793 · 02/06/2017 23:29

What's the point in setting up a fake account? If op sends screenshots of conversations she's had with this guy and the gf shows him he'll know exactly who op is.

Darkstarrheart · 02/06/2017 23:52

Please tell her. Apart from anything else you may not be the only woman he has slept with and he may not have used condoms with them - he could be exposing her to all manner of STIs. I was cheated on by my exh and I wish someone would have told me.

Italiangreyhound · 02/06/2017 23:52

I'm only on page one OP but I agree with travellingfailsman

"Nothing OP does will harm the relationship. What has/will harm the relationship is the man cheating on his girlfriend.

Blame shouldn't shift because of how truth is revealed. He is at fault, nobody else. Tell her."

Minnievintage "I keep thinking maybe I should message him and say something.... anything!!! But what? I feel so stupid as it is!" you do not need to say anything to him, he is an arse, you are not at fault.

supermoon100 · 02/06/2017 23:57

Of course you should tell her. I cannot believe the amount of posters suggesting it's nothing to do with you. You have knowledge that can change someone's life for the better. Why wouldn't use that knowledge?