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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 19:24

Yes, tell her, she deserves to know the truth before she marries him. Wouldn't all of us want to know something like this before we married someone?

I'm not saying you did this, but you definitely did not know this girl beforehand? and had something against her and purposely went after him so that you could burst her bubble? I have an overactive imagination and have no reason to think this except that you said you "knew of her". Otherwise, I apologize for even thinking it...I read too many mysteries haha. But yes, definitely tell her and show her the proof if necessary. She may hate you but who wants to marry somebody who just casually hooks up with women while he's engaged? Keep us posted.

hmbn · 02/06/2017 19:26

I'm a firm believer that we all have our own processes and life scripts and that, if we really live an examined life, then all will out. Having said that, I think that processes can need a bit of a tweak - and this is one of those cases. Tell her.

cottoncandee · 02/06/2017 19:32

She needs to know the truth, in my opinion. I would definitely tell her if I were you

Forris · 02/06/2017 19:42

There are so many assumptions here.
How do we know how anyone is going to react, thats the risk you have to be prepared to take? I wouldn't tell. It happened to a relative of mine and the wronged partner stuck up for her partner and called the women who told her of her partners cheating a 'jealous, dried up old prune who wants to ruin her wedding because she has not got anyone.' It was awful as this women had genuinely gone to help and I was shocked at the 'wronged' women reaction. On the other hand she may thank you.
I just wouldn't want to get involved in what is a messy situation. Also, like other people have said he knows where you live, he may or may not do anything and as for calling the Police as good as they are they are not always able to help.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 02/06/2017 19:44

Keep out of it. Chalk it up to life's experiences. You have no idea about the terms of their relationship. If he's a serial Cheater she'll suss it. Maybe she had been sleeping around and this was his revenge. Maybe she's asexual and it's their way of dealing with. You don't know and the more you get involved the more you'll get hurt. Move on and let them deal with their lives

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/06/2017 19:50

OP I wouldn't tell her

Not because she doesn't deserve To know - she does tbh but her happiness is not your responsibility

And she will possibly not believe you in any case

He knows where you live - this is the one thing that would put me right off doing anything.

You don't know him and you dont know her - you could end up with a load of grief over this, and on your doorstep to boot. Not worth it imo

I know of someone who slept with a guy, thought he was single, found out he wasn't and told him where to go. Unfortunately his gf found out - not sure how - and poor girl has been the target of the mentalist gf and her nasty bastard mates. She's been verbally and physically assaulted and trolled online. Police are involved etc. She is considering moving just to get away from it.

Seriously think about this OP - they know where you live.

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 02/06/2017 20:07

This has happened to me (ish). A guy started messaging me wanting to come over, saying he wanted to be with me and sleep with me etc. I screenshot and sent it straight to his girlfriend. They didn't break up over it but when they did eventually break up she messaged me to thank me for telling her.

GabsAlot · 02/06/2017 20:09

definitely tell her but not inperson

op has done nothing wrong here i hope u can move on and find someone worthwhile

Madwoman5 · 02/06/2017 20:12

How do you know you are the only one he met through this or any other dating site?
Do as WalterMitty suggests and tell her what you told us. He will not know who it was if he is a serial cheater. If he makes an appearance, record him and send her the recording too. Poor girl.

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 02/06/2017 20:15

You know what's right, if you feel you can tell her then send her an email and leave it in her hands. What she does with that information is her business. But don't let people make you feel bad for sleeping with him, if that's a bad thing then how I met my husband is hilarious lol
It's not your fault that guys a dick, it's not your fault he cheated. Telling the fiancé is entirely your decision, personally I always go with honesty but at the end of the day, you do what ever your comfortable with.
I believe you when you say you're not going for revenge, you're just supplying someone with information they need to decide the future of their relationship.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck and ignore the hateful people lol

user1485778793 · 02/06/2017 20:17

I would just count yourself lucky and leave it well alone. Some women know their partners are cheats and choose to ignore. As he was so blasé your probably not the first, he's probably got a few on the go.

I asked my husband what he thought, he said stay well out of it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

valeview · 02/06/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

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Anno23 · 02/06/2017 20:19

I would want to know. You are not to blame in any way.
I was cheated on and if someone told me sooner then, there would of been less pain.

Anno23 · 02/06/2017 20:20

Thats harsh.
He said he had a girlfriend after

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 02/06/2017 20:23

Some people on here are just plain vile

Refilona · 02/06/2017 20:28

I would message her as a "friend" of someone he slept with. Anonymously. Make a fake fb page or something. Then send her screenshots with your identity removed.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 02/06/2017 20:31

I'd be worried he'd take revenge on me if I was to let the girlfriend know. Poor girl though.

WetsTheFinger · 02/06/2017 20:34

I don't think he has a girlfriend... I just think he doesn't want to see you again and that was an excuse. A cheater wouldn't be so stupid as to casually drop that in, knowing full well you might try and tell her.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/06/2017 20:35

Just RTFT and am shocked at the amount of slut shaming going on! OP is as much a victim in this as his poor fiancée.

All I have to add to this discussion, is that I'll be forever grateful to the person that told me that my exH was sleeping around. It took a lot of guts to do what they did, but they saved me from years of pain and deceit. But be warned OP - you'll need to be prepared for some backlash if you go ahead.

gunther73 · 02/06/2017 20:46

Wetsthefinger

+1

He's not married. She's not married. You're not married.

Grow up.
Get in with your life and stop being an adolescent.

Fabulousdahlink · 02/06/2017 20:47

As a wife who has had an unfaithful husband ( STBXH now) over the years..and only found out when he left with the last one..I wished I had known. I wished I had known and understood the behaviour I didnt understand at the time...I thought it was me ! I just needed to give more..try harder. With hindsight, having spoken to his mistresses, I realised that it was not me, but him. It has helped me to move on. It hurt like hell to realise what had been done behind my back...but easier to move on. A mutual friend knew what was going on.. but never said. From the official wife-
woman' viewpoint, I would not have remained married, invested in the relationship emotionally or financially had I known. Telling her may be unpleasant and she will be angry with you, but from one woman to another..and as you found him on a dating sight and he never mentioned a fiance..you didnt act wrongly.He did. You might be saving her many years of heartache down the line. You are not telling her this because you want him or for them to split up..the female sisterhood need to stick together and help each out with roaches like him!

purplebunny2012 · 02/06/2017 20:47

WTF is he doing on a dating site? Tell her, she can't marry this see you next Tuesday

LucyFuckingPevensie · 02/06/2017 20:54

Shock at some of the cunts on here.
Fucking hell.

PersianCatLady · 02/06/2017 21:01

I don't think he has a girlfriend... I just think he doesn't want to see you again and that was an excuse
Good point, I hadn't thought of that!!

MrsChopper · 02/06/2017 21:01

Tell her via email. I was cheated on before, loads of people knew. It wemt on for weeks. Finally one of our friends told me the full truth and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it when everyone else was a coward!