To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

[Generallyok]

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

Racist? Don't be silly. I am referencing weddings in this country. But you must know that.

The word "cultural" does not refer to another country but to the way different people do things. There are those who have no sense of etiquette and there are those who do. Wonder if Pippa demanded money for her honeymoon? Hmmm?

Yes yes yes- please stick it on the information sheet that comes with the invite!

So that all the relevant information is there- so I don't have to chase the couple up about it, working out what they want or what we should give.

I'm busy enough with work/life/small child

This, exactly.

The days are long gone when there was a virgin bride sitting around in her parents' home just waiting to field a host of calls from people wanting to know what they might like as a gift. Likewise, most people have too much to do already without having to play phone tag just to find out what someone might like as a gift.

As a pp said- weddings (like everything else) evolve, and thank god for that. No more being passed as property from one man to another, no having to wait until you're married to move in together and have (gasp) Sexual Relations.

We, as a nation, are more multi-cultural now as well- and many other cultures see giving money for a wedding as totally normal.

The giving of a gift, in my mind, is because you like the couple involved and want to help make their day a little bit more special. Admittedly, I've never been to any wedding where I feel the couple have judged what I've given- I probably wouldn't attend a wedding between people like that anyway tbh. Just do it with good grace or don't go.

Meh - I've been to about 20 weddings in the last 8 years (since my own) and only 2 of them have had a gift list. One was actually a list of things for their honeymoon like contributing towards a meal or a day trip out or something. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, I think money or vouchers is the norm these days and I barely read poems and that that come in the invite as just assume that's what they want!

All the invites I've had have always stated you don't need to get them a gift and depending on how closed we are I usually stick in between 20-50. I wouldn't feel I had to buy for a wedding where I just had an evening invite though.

I always give cash. £40-50 because we are skint and that's really all we can afford.

If they ask for money on the invite, I only give £20. It grates on me!

Go ahead with your reporting dear

Thank you, mumsnet mods.

Question ... are weddings in U.K. Different to those here in Australia?

We get invited to a wedding, that's the wedding service part, then the wedding reception for dinner.

We don't get invited to 2 separate parts, or one or the other.

Yes, cash, or 'wishing well' is the norm here.

I honestly don't see how it can not be rude to ask people for specific presents/money just because you are getting married.

Obviously people will buy you a present, but the polite thing to do is to wait until people ask you if there is anything you would specifically like and then you say 'a contribution towards X would be lovely, thank you'. Under no circumstances should people request specific amounts of money. That is just beyond rude. It's these little social niceties which make guests feel like valued friends and not walking cashpoints!

In cultures where giving money is the norm, I guess that works of you are from the same culture and get given lots of money in return when it is your wedding. But to me that all feels very transactional - I rather like the pretence that gifts are freely given and not expected.

It's not the asking. It's the asking before the invitee has even said they're coming

Exactly so. If I got an invitation to a wedding, and in the same breath they asked for some cash for a holiday, I'd feel pretty insulted. Not to the point of giving a rat's arse, like, just sort of Catherine Tate's nan character. 'What a fucking liberty!'

I am an invitee. They know me. They know I am intelligent enough to not buy them any old tat, or something unsuitable. They know me well enough to know that I will most likely give them some cash.
But not if the cheeky gits ask for it! It's the height of crassness and it's an insult to my intelligence. That probably goes for all the other guests too. I bet all the pps claiming that they think it's a jolly good idea have felt that niggle of irritation if they've ever had requests for hard cash.

Those poems are dire.

We, as a nation, are more multi-cultural now as well- and many other cultures see giving money for a wedding as totally normal

Absolutely agree. However, asking for it within the invitation is tacky.

YABU nowadays people live together usually long before they get married, they don't need pots and pans etc. like they used to when setting up home together.

I think money is a good idea, and much prefer it. It's easy and actually wanted.

Money has been given at weddings in our culture for hundreds of years

I don't think anyone has said that giving money is tacky.
It's 'asking' for it within an invitation that seems to some of us pretty poor form. I know some cultures pin notes to the bride's dress.
Now that's cool

I agree with QueenofRubovia. It's not the giving of money I mind, it's the outright asking for it on invitations that's rude.

Some guests might not be well off and would prefer to give a gift that can't be easily costed than a specific amount of money. Insisting on cash gifts only can cause embarrassment to people in this situation. And yes, I know people will come on and say that they'd be quite happy with a tenner if that's all someone can afford. But that doesn't mean that the giver won't feel embarassed when they know other guests are giving 50 or 100 quid. You should be thinking about their feelings, not what you would or wouldn't mind.

We have one of these wedding coming up.

We are only invited to the evening part, an hour away and it's no children, came with a separate bit of card with poem about how they've have everything.

We are not going it's a family wedding so we would have no childcare anyway.

Our wedding because we had everything we didn't mention gifts at all, we had a small registry office do and hired a hall so we could then have everyone. Those who asked we told we don't need really need anything but we where saving up for a new kitchen table so if they wanted too a gift voucher for a shop would be great if they really wanted to get us something. We ended up with £300 for argos and £400 for John Lewis, family members chipped in together so off maybe 3/4 family sections it was a £50 voucher so nobody spent more than they would of on a gift and we never actually asked for anything until people asked us.

Thanks for all replies. I have been with my partner for 17 years and so yes I agree we are not just setting up home but if we did tie the not I know the people we would invite would know us well and wouldn't be buying us toasters etc. I really think if people have been together along time you don't need to ask for anything including money.Years ago when people did marry and were setting up home a list would be written but not circulated unless requested not sent out with invite.

Some friends did this two years ago and still haven't been on a honeymoon!

I went to a wedding a few years ago that asked for "no presents please" if you really wanted to, they asked for donations to a charity that helps young girls avoid inappropriate arranged marriages. If you really wanted to give something else they requested only small token gifts as they have no room.
It worked well!
I went totally off piste and gave theatre vouchers. (A perfect gift for them! They were quite pleased)

FFS, I have yet to hear of anyone buying a fucking toaster as a wedding gift, but this gets trotted out all the time as a reason for demanding cash as a 'gift' from wedding guests. 'Waaaa! We've lived together for 20 years and have 8 kids, now we want you to give us a honeymoon!' What do you do if guests don't cough up the amount of swag you want? You still have to pay for your holiday. Or expecting people to 'cover their plates' - then open a fucking restaurant or charge admission and be done with it.

Demanding cash is rude because it assumes your guests are stupid. They can't possibly have sense enough to think, 'Oh, X and Y have been living together for yonks, I'll just put a cheque in a card.' Nah, we have to assume they're going to buy you a toaster.

'I think it's not a bad thing to have 'cash gifts only' on the invite. But I don't like the ones that specify amounts. I usually drop £20-50 as a wedding gift for first marriages, and nothing for second or third marriages.'

Seriously! OMG, please tell me you declined such a shockingly rude invitation! Completely stunned that people on 2nd or 3rd marriages are touting for money. Go to the registry office and be done with it!

And it appears to be a trend to demand money from evening guests. What a joke.

I totally agree with the asking for gifts with the invitation as being crass. Send the invitation, then if guest(s) accept, they can ask for the gift list. The poems are beyond cringeworthy (no, I know there's no such word, but can't think of an alternative at the moment . . . apologies) I really hate them. Some of them don't even rhyme, or they make no sense at all because each line might not fit onto the card separately, so they all run into each other with no punctuation. You then have to read it several times before understanding that it is actually intended to be a poem, and not some weird paragraph written whilst under the influence of a couple of glasses of wine.

Our NDN's daughter asked for donations on our (evening-only) invitation for her 'mini-moon' to Santorini, which was not even the main honeymoon, it's a pre-honeymoon (AND the evening celebration was MILES away, thus involving an overnight stay at an hotel). It is just too cheeky.

expat - This is a F/Book announcement we recently saw from DP's nice, who lives in the US (thus involving flight and accommodation costs for a family of four, and this is her second lavish wedding in three years, and we never received a thank-you note for our gift for the first marriage):

This is a F/Book announcement we read from DP's niece:

So I've been getting a lot of questions about the attire for our wedding. It's not SUPER formal meaning black tie/ball gown BUT it's not casual. I encourage everyone to dress to impress 😀 Ideally ATLEAST a nice button up and slacks for men. FYI I know a lot of guys are already planning on wearing suits...As for women anything from nice slacks, to dresses, skirts are all good 😀 We didn't spend a lot per person for you to show up in your every day clothes. This is a celebration 

And her new husband and all his 'groomsmen' (ushers) turned up in trainers (sneakers). It's the 'We didn't spend a lot on this wedding for you to turn up in whatever' (her Dad paid for both her weddings, btw) when her new husband and his chums turn up in bloody trainers. WTF is that all about?

niece, not nice

Dear god, Evans, really hope you declined the NDN's cheeky tout for cash and aren't going to the niece's latest wedding.

Some people asked for honeymoon contributions but have not been on one yet? Really! ? Surely some mistake!!