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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

340 replies

Generallyok · 01/06/2017 09:25

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 01/06/2017 11:22

I can't get worked up about it. Yes, the poems are naff but I don't really see the difference between a traditional gift list or a request for money. Most couples have lived together before getting married so how are guests supposed to know what they might need for their home etc? People aren't mind readers.

If anything I'm pleased when the couple specify they'd prefer cash as it saves me having to go shopping for a gift. I'd much rather know I was contributing to my friends having a lovely time on honeymoon than trawl the shops looking for a gift only to end up giving them something they already have or don't want.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:23

OP:
I totally agree. It is rude, crass and extremely annoying. I ignore any requests for "house fund" or whatever. The sheer lack of manners is staggering.

PrivatePike · 01/06/2017 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:26

..."house fund" contributions to exceed £150 per guest, please...

(That last part is a joke. Bet some of them stipulate, however. )

TurquoiseDress · 01/06/2017 11:26

PrivatePike

Yes yes yes- please stick it on the information sheet that comes with the invite!

So that all the relevant information is there- so I don't have to chase the couple up about it, working out what they want or what we should give.

I'm busy enough with work/life/small child

To all those who are offered at a couple's request for cash, the simple solution is to make your excuses and not attend the wedding, rather than than be annoyed at the rudeness

Aridane · 01/06/2017 11:26

I never 'get' the posts you have on this sort of threat where people say don't give money but get a present like a nice photograph frame. Just how many photograph frames can a couple actually have.

Also - have had the one where you're funding specific aspects of the honey moon. I actually quite liked it and was chuffed to be sent a photo from the couple showing them doing the thing I had purchased them.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:26

It is very poor etiquette, also, of course.

blue2014 · 01/06/2017 11:26

But you'll buy a gift anyway!!

How it paying for their honeymoon any different from paying for their crockery? Confused

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:29

Oh come on, no need to get defensive, if you have been so ill mannered as to request money from invited guests.

Reason? Such conduct is indefensible.

blue2014 · 01/06/2017 11:30

I'm with you on this @Aridane - I'd much prefer a photo of a nice meal saying "thanks for this"

I also have about 15 photo frames given as gifts. no one in my life has my taste, I hate them all. Why is it more acceptable that I should be expected to stack my house full of things that other people think are nice than just ask for what I need?

wisteriainbloom · 01/06/2017 11:31

I find it incredibly rude and grabby but then I don't like gift lists being sent out with invitations either.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:31

And, by the way, if you don't get the difference between having the good grace to accept an actual real thing as a gift and having the bad manners to expect cash, then you are beyond help.

JoJoSM2 · 01/06/2017 11:32

YABU... How is it different to have a list: TV, kettle, toaster etc to have a one-item list = honeymoon???

Perhaps you're just more used to he lists of yesteryear? These days almost everyone lives together before getting married and has double the crap, i.e. we have 2 toasters, 2 kettles, 2 irons etc.

Guests pulling their resources to get a fabulous honeymoon makes it all feel a lot more special and memorable.

However, I'm not so sure about expecting much from evening guests. At our wedding we didn't have any but still asked not to bother with presents as we were aware it was costly to attend in the first place (abroad). Everyone gave us money anyway. We spent it on a painting that now has the pride of place on our dining room wall. It's a lot more special than a bunch of crap from John Lewis.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:32

Gift lists are also v v annoying. Crassness Incorporated strikes again. Grrr

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 01/06/2017 11:33

It's not the asking. It's the asking before the invitee has even said they're coming - it looks grabby and rude. Poems even worse. "Cash gifts only" makes it look like an invoice!

blue2014 · 01/06/2017 11:34

@nina2b "such conduct is indefensible" GrinGrin you know I didn't kill someone, right?

And no, it's perfectly defensible - it is culturally normal for me. I also don't know a single British person that would give a rats ass either. So much easier to stick £20 in a card than have to trek around finding a gift I imagine someone would like. I'm always massively relieved when someone asks for money.

putdownyourphone · 01/06/2017 11:34

Buying stuff for people that they don't want is a massive waste. Plus as a guest I find it easier to stick some cash in a card than faff about choosing a gift. In a lot of cultures it would be rude not to give money, it's the Brits who have an issue with it and would rather give some tacky crystal wine glasses.

But I do think it's rude to ask for any gift from evening guests at all.

user1480459555 · 01/06/2017 11:35

Me and OH got married in 1980. We didn't live together first and had literally no money so needed everything. We actually told people we did not want presents because we honestly just wanted them to be part of our wedding day. The majority of people said they wanted to buy us something and asked for a list.

We did make a list and it had things like pegs, tea towels, mugs, saucepans. No asking for a washing machine or dishwasher like some people today.

We were grateful for absolutely every gift we got.

If couples getting married now have lived together and don't need anything then why buy them a gift or give money? If they have a list we will buy something although a lot of the lists just make me laugh with such expensive items on them. If everything on the list is expensive we will buy a nice bottle of wine or give a voucher such as John Lewis.

It can work out expensive just to be a guest at a wedding especially when you have to buy your own drink at so many weddings so no way are we going to be giving money.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:37

Today 11:33 MrsDesireeCarthorse

It's not the asking. It's the asking before the invitee has even said they're coming - it looks grabby and rude. Poems even worse. "Cash gifts only" makes it look like an invoice!

Yep.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:39

As for culturally normal - mega lulz

PrivatePike · 01/06/2017 11:41

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blue2014 · 01/06/2017 11:41

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lanouvelleheloise · 01/06/2017 11:43

People will buy wedding presents anyway, it's the done thing. So it makes sense either to provide a list or to ask for cash. I feel quite grateful to people for the direction. For my own wedding, however, I did ask for charity donations instead.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 01/06/2017 11:44

Given how much most guests have to fork out to attend weddings these days I think asking for any money/gifts on top of this is crass.