To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

[Generallyok]

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

I think it's terribly crass and could never mention gifts or money in my invites if I were to marry.Id be happy for guests to ask me what they should buy ,to which id suggest money or gift and both would be gratefully received .
Oh and don't get me started on the poems! Why ????its as if it's to take away from the fact their effectively asking you to donate money to their honey moon,mortgage ,cost of the wedding etc .Ive had it happen several times including when I've been an evening guest .I have £20 and it probably seemed tight but ex oh had been made redundant at the time and I was on maternity leave !

@rooster not married, never been married, not likely to get married. Absolutely fine with 'don't have to get us a gift, if you do cash is nice' sentiment at a wedding. It's only grabby (or tone deaf!) if you start asking people to contribute specific things when they're attending a destination wedding. Funnily enough, I have free will and see a suggestion as just that. i have better things to do than be offended by the wording in an invitation.

It's cultural. Amazed by the the 'it's crass' comments.

I've seen these threads on here for years and the sneering is getting less as society is changing.

Always found it amusing on a forum that's so 'multicultural' balks at something that is common in lots of places.

I'm more than happy to be guided to give money.

I'm having my own issue. Much younger half sister (different cultural background to me) getting married. I'm offering cash or waiting for present list. Nothing happening.

I'm calling to say shall I give you cash? She's hesitant and asks for this one thing. I'm saying yes you can have this one thing (cheap) and more as I can give you cash. She's saying, wow and thanks for generosity I'll then have the one thing and another thing.

I'm now pulling my hair out and the upshot is im now taking her shopping for both things (so she can choose herself) and I'm still giving cash.

It was like pulling bloody teeth.

Ds has a friend and the parents now getting married. We were invited to evening but as a single parent new to the area I'm reluctant to go. However I wanted to get them a gift so I got them a voucher for their favourite restaurant so all five of this lovely family can have a post wedding feast of their own.

I much prefer to see a cash option on a wedding invite, it makes it so much easier & I know the recipients will receive something they actually want! Some of the poems are a bit cheesy but it is intended to be more polite than just we want cash!! No harm done really is there!?
The only time I have had a problem with a request for cash was a wedding abroad that cost allot of money to travel to. I feel the senders should have been more pleased that we spent a fortune managed to go rather than requesting our money for their honeymoon that 3 years later hasn't actually happened 😬

Random - had similar issue with ex dh family. Crazy wedding that was not even real (long story) and we were expected to attend this farce. it would have cost us back then almost £1k to go and I'd have had to fly right back home due to work. I dropped out as it was not a real wedding but dh did go (bumpy) and I then had call from 'mother of the bride' screaming I'd let family down.

A year on when the couple could finally get legally married (in secret and I was a witness), I gave nothing but my time.

I think that's just the norm now isn't it?? I can only remember receiving one gift list with a invite which was about 20 years ago!!! and I've been to a lot of weddings! I've got no problem being asked for cash, (though I did think it was incredibly rude when I once saw on Facebook a bride was asking for people's "gifts" the week BEFORE the wedding to pay for the dj!!!! ) people usually have homes before they get married these days so done need bed sets or photo frames :)

I got married on a budget. I actually asked my boss for a months wages in advance to finance it. Boss was brilliant he even video taped the wedding for us and took my friends and I out in a hired bus to our venue.. Reason I am saying this is because parents not particularly solvent couldn't help me with my wedding. But by the time our youngest brother got married actually paid for the whole of his (which happened abroad), so you can see pretty expensive event. Always thought it was the brides parents who are supposed to fork out for the big day, in Uk traditions. So shocked when the grooms parents paid for the whole thing (including Brides Wedding Dress). Whilst their own daughter got nothing. Worst and they asked for money too as the best man had to collect it off the congregation in the church!

We recently went to a wedding where they had a wrapped up cardboard box with a slot for contributions for whoever wanted to give anything on the day - organised not by the bride and groom, but by their friends, who emailed everyone beforehand to tell them about it - with no obligation. I thought it was a great idea. We had a gift list for our wedding but I felt embarrassed about it !

It is very rude to ask for money. A wedding list is fine, however. In fact, I find it a bit annoying if there isn't one.

Genuinely - can you explain why you feel like this? I just can't understand the difference?

Asking for money is just so tacky. Don't have a wedding/honeymoon if you can't afford it.

A wedding list suggests the guest can have some input in choice. The gift will be from the guest.

But it isn't really the guest's choice if it comes from a pre-approved list. It just gives you a lot less choice about what you spend (I can't be the only person who's looked at a list a bit late and realised with horror that everyone else has nabbed all the cheap things). And it's a gift 'from the guest' whether it's cash, vouchers or a gift from a list.

And surely don't have a wedding if you can't afford to buy your own pots and pans is just as valid as don't have a wedding if you can't afford a honeymoon?

IMO:

Wedding gifts for young newly wed couples who are setting up home together are fine. After all, that is what they were traditionally set up for.

For those who have been living together for, say, 5-10 plus years, or who are on their second marriage, I think gifts are totally unnecessary. If guests wish to buy them, fine, but there should be no entitlement to them from the couple. And don't get me started on monetary demands at these weddings

I think a nice touch, on a second time around, or 'older' wedding would be to include details of a just giving page to a charity of choice.

I hate this! Especially when they have spent a fortune on the day which to be honest mostly is a waste of money. I was really conscious of It when we got married. People don't buy anyone kitchen things anymore anyway so there is no need to say you have it all. We didn't put anything on our invites.Some people gave us money but others who didn't have much gave thing like bottle of prosseco, photo album and we appreciated everything we got! The main thing was we wanted to be married to each other! Being invited to a wedding is getting so exspensive with hen/ stag do away outfits for both to then ask for money is cheeky.

Asking for cash is money grabbing.

Again, why is asking for cash money grabbing but specifying which £20 wine glass you would like is fine?

I don't get the issue at all with asking for money, surely most presents will end up in cupboards not being used. Money gets rid of having to decide what to buy and it goes towards something they want. I really don't get the ire towards it! The poems are very cheesy though

We had a lot already when we got married. Family members helped with some of the furniture we needed (none of it massively expensive). On the invitations we told people that as many of them were travelling some distance they didn't need to buy anything as having them enjoy the day with us was much more important than a gift. We would have left it at that but my parents wanted us to have a wedding list as their friends were asking for it. We compromised by DH (a computer programmer) making a impel web page with a list of items we still needed for the flat. They weren't linked to any particular shop and could therefore be as cheap or expensive as the buyer chose. There was also a place for people to note in what they had bought (from the list or not) so others could see what had been bought and not replicate. I'd been to weddings where all I could afford from the list was a single plate and didn't want that!

It worked pretty well. We still ended up with 13 sets of towels though. :-)

Giving cash also saves me the hassle of sourcing a gift

I think that goes for most people. The vast majority of folks know that cash is much more welcome and useful than a gift which may or may not be to the receiver's taste. Especially when the couple are established. The first gift idea that I'd think of would be a cheque.
Nowadays so would most people. It's the 'asking' for it within the actual invitation that sticks in the craw.
We KNOW. We are not stupid! We KNOW you would like some cash.
I would have happily given you a generous cheque, but now you have precipitately canvassed me for it, you can piss off.

Tradition was that the gift list was to help set couples up in their first home as they rarely lived together first. It was a discrete list available upon request.

Asking for money is akin to charging an entry fee and simply a way for the bride to recoup the costs.

Asking for anything when you have lived together for numerous years, have children or it's a subsequent wedding is wrong. No need to mention anything to do with gifts and leave it upto the guests should they choose to purchase something. Here it's usually wine for a second wedding or one for legal purposes.

I much prefer to see a cash option on a wedding invite

Cash option?! On an invitation!?

That's not an invitation, it's an invoice.

Im getting married in 2 years and can't bring myself to ask for money, we're asking for just the company of our friends and family but if people feel the need to buy us a gift we have an account with a rocking horse maker so guests can contribute towards a family heirloom (which i am fully prepared to pay for myself) the horse will be brought to the wedding so everyone can see it and ride it and the names and messages from everyone who contributed will be put in a safe inside the horses belly
And its something I intend to keep in the family for generations to come

Maybe it should say something along the lines of... We have everything we need at home (so please don't buy us things to your taste or what we already have) and only ask for your company HOWEVER if you do wish to bring a gift we are saving up for a holiday (car, new bathroom, meal out, to pay off wedding...) so a small donation would be very much appreciated.

I personally would rather see a poem asking for money than a gift list. We have been skint in the past and I'd rather give a £10 note than 1 glass from Debenham's.

A post box for anonymous donations on the day, even better!

We actually asked for long on our invites. We were already living together had a child and honestly didn't really need any more 'stuff

Well if you knew it was tacky and crass, which it is, why do it?
Why y not say "please don't bring gifts, we have all that we need and would just live your company to share our special day".

A friend of mine did this poem thing - begging for cash via a trashy downloaded rhyme - she wanted money for honeymoon in New York. I bought her a guidebook and didn't go to the wedding. I think it's hideous greedy behaviour, can't bear it, YANBU!!!

'Cringeworthy' yes - YANBU

Asking for gifts or cash is dreadful (IMO), a wedding should be about getting people together to celebrate your special day

Agree with a poster further up - when B&G spend £20,000 on the day then want people to pay for money for honeymoon - tacky