To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

[Generallyok]

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

I always wonder about these 'pay for our honeymoon' requests because they must have already paid for the holiday if it's been booked, which means they could afford it in the first place so why do they need guests to pay for it? What do they do if people don't comply with their demands, exchange Crete for Blackpool?

DD and I didn't go to the latest US wedding, expat, but DP and DS did, and they did dress very smartly, as demanded I await a 'Thank you' for the gift (which was a donation to the 'HoneyFund') [boak]

We didn't go to NDN evening as it would have been too expensive, but I did give them a cash gift (I buckled under pressure - what can you do)?

I don't see how asking for money is any more rude than those bloody wish lists...

I have wondered that too, expat. For these 'HoneyFund' gift-giving sites, the holiday must have already been arranged. So if no-one donates, do they not go and then lose their deposit? Not sure how it works.

It does just sometimes appear a little contrived Yolo Ask for money if you're asked what you'd like, but don't include it in with the invitation (with accompanying poem).

I hate the idea of asking for presents full stop. We did have a gift list but did not send out details of it with the invitations. People either asked us, asked the parents, or got us something else entirely. All of which was fine. Yes we were also living together before the wedding but the list was things like a new crockery set, towels, bed linen - stuff you can always use more of.

I would never, EVER be as rude as to send the demand for gifts along with the invite, or even worse, send one of those godawful poems.

'We didn't go to NDN evening as it would have been too expensive, but I did give them a cash gift (I buckled under pressure - what can you do)?'

Um, send them a card? Stop enabling pisstakers like this by handing them money?

when I got married we didn't ask for anything - no gift list - nowt

we where inundated, as was my mum, with calls asking what we wanted! We repeatedly said 'nothing just you coming is enough' and people got quiet forceful - so we asked for vouchers if people needed to buy something - you can't win really

Mixed feelings. Asking for money does make me bristle, but I have also been to Italian and Indian weddings and it is absolutely expected that you give money. They would be astounded if you carted along a toaster.

I also think that British people do tend to be a bit mean in general. Or at least the wedding guests I've known! Not having a list allows people to make thoughtful choices, but it is also a licence for skinflints to offload an old holiday souvenir as a gift (yep, I had that one).

I think it's rude and tacky. The poems in particular are just awful. I refuse.

Um, send them a card? Stop enabling pisstakers like this by handing them money?

I know - next time, eh? (They are nice neighbours, though)

I generally dont get the issue with this, they are not demanding you give them money, at the end of the day, most couples live with one another before they are married, its the modern world we live in. they more than likely have all that they need, so for me I see nothing incorrect with asking for money.

We went to a German wedding once and common practice there appears to give food hampers. Fab idea.

They also had a cake buffet instead of dessert - some of their closest friends made large cakes/gateaux to share and we all dug in after the main meal.

Asking for money does make me bristle, but I have also been to Italian and Indian weddings and it is absolutely expected that you give money.

But they don't include naff poems, either, you just know it's expected. This gets trotted out all the time, 'In other cultures . . . ' yeah, but they don't put naff poems in. They also don't have evening do's (Irish ones do, though), childfree do's, invitations that tell guests to come to the ceremony and then fuck off until the evening whilst other guests get a meal, tell guests what to wear, etc.

what about the people who genuinely can't afford to give money? Who go without just so they can afford to attend the actual wedding? Are they tight too? Like I said, DP and I are fortunate to not be in that position anymore, but when I was a single mum I was. That feeling never leaves you, and I would hate to think that anyone who came to our wedding was struggling to get by for a while just so they can attend.

This!

I've attended recently that cost so much to attend alone! my partner is self employed / runs his own auto repair centre and had to close that for the day costing a lot in work, new outfits, drinks at the reception, hiring a babysitter for the day, the petrol to get there (it was an hours drive from the church!)......weddings do cost so much for the guest as it is these days. xx

what about the people who genuinely can't afford to give money? 'Who go without just so they can afford to attend the actual wedding? Are they tight too? Like I said, DP and I are fortunate to not be in that position anymore, but when I was a single mum I was. That feeling never leaves you, and I would hate to think that anyone who came to our wedding was struggling to get by for a while just so they can attend.'

This, with bells on.

I agree - we've been to weddings where the culture is to pin money to the bride and groom whilst they are dancing. This is a lovely thing to do - they haven't asked for it with a crappy poem, all they have asked for is for your presence on their special day. Anything else is not expected by them, but happily received. If we know that couple are planning a trip somewhere, we've gone to the Bureau de Change to obtain the appropriate currency for their destination.

I think the difference is, the cultural norms, and the newer, 21st Century Expectations and Demands. More or less, 'You can't come to our wedding unless ..... you wear what I tell you, you give us what we want." This, I find disappointing.

DP and I have been together for 30 yrs, we may get married one day. If we do, we will just love all our friends and family to come along, we will not ask for anything, but if they really want to give, then we will simply nominate a couple of charities. We have a home, all our pots and pans (and a toaster)

I don't think anyone is saying that there is anything wrong with giving the happy couple what they want, but it's the way they go about it. Does all seem rather grabby and demanding. That's not what the celebration is all about, surely?

It doesn't bother me that much. I actually think it's aimed more at the older guests (60+ maybe) where in their generation you bought household wedding presents as the couple were just moving in together straight from home etc. I think younger generations assume they'll take money in a card, which many people my mums age think is a bit crass.

A friend said no gifts and people mainly did money to cover their food and drinks for the day, but also received some tat like a couples sex game and a humongous artwork with words like love, laugh, marry etc, which was okay but really not the couples taste and was probably exactly what they wanted to avoid!

What does bother me is the way it is phrased sometimes. I know of one couple who we having a second wedding over here after getting married abroad years before. They'd already had a honeymoon etc so asked for money so they could take some more mini breaks. FFS!

My mum was also fuming when the bossy mother of the bride stated the suggestion for money gifts wasn't so much of a request but a requirement. She then barked that the going rate was fifty pounds! That sort of attitude is what gives the whole money as a gift thing a bad name IMO.

Poems are just the worse.
The reality is most people give money anyway. At least 90% when we got married, I'd rather my dignity remain intact than asking for money in a cringey poem, there's just no need.

I'm more surprised that they sent it with an evening only invite, I find it quite rude to receive information on a wedding list or preference for money if it's not a whole day invite!

I'm with you on the requests for money but I think it's just a sign of the times as years ago couples would be moving out of their family homes to set up house together as a married couple and wouldn't have any household essentials. These days, most couples already have all those things before they get married so it can be a waste of money to get lots of the same things again.

We did decide to have a wedding list and used it as an opportunity to upgrade a lot of our kitchen stuff etc and get some much nicer stuff. Some people gave us money instead which was of course very much appreciated but that was their choice.

I think it's terrible.
I remember when people got married who'd lived together and/or had all the furnishings and home ware already, just did without.
They didn't ask for luxuries like honeymoon, hot tub, etc.
Anyway, pots and pans, irons, bedding all need replacing sooner or later, what's wrong with having some put away for this time.
I think it's grabby and part of the reason I avoid accepting the invitations if I can.
No such luck with dh half sister this year. They have been living together for 2 years so want money for a honeymoon.
What happened to going without like we did, if you can't afford it.

This is our latest request (as written, no punctuation):

THE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT TO US IS TO HAVE YOU SHARE OUR DAY BUT SHOULD YOU WISH TO CONTRIBUTE IN SOME OTHER WAY YOU CAN HELP US WITH OUR HONEYMOON IN OUR CHOSEN PARADISE WHERE THAT LITTLE EXTRA SPENDING POT WOULD BE SO VERY NICE.

Followed by an 0344 telephone number, booking reference number, password and then the added bonus of:

LOVE THE BRIDE & GROOM

I honestly want to throw up . . .