To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

[Generallyok]

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

i really dont know what the issue is most people live together now before hand and dont need stuff for the home so why not give money it would be really rude to turn up to a wedding empty handed imo so whatr if theres a twee littl;e rhyme?

I always give gifts now because financially I can afford it - previously I've been on the bones of my arse, the couple have known this and they have STILL been arsey when they've gotten a card.

When I got married I knew one friend I really wanted there was in dire straights- I paid for her flight, hotel bill transport etc and told her she was utterly banned from gifting. She gave us a Lovely card and something handmade - perfect.

It's not the asking that's the problem, it's the expectation. Not everyone is well off enough to drop a few hundred quid at every wedding. People need to be sensitive. Accept gifts given with good grace and expect nothing.

Hate it, it's tacky and grabby. If the couple want a honeymoon, then they should pay for one themselves even if it means saving for longer. May as well charge an entry fee.

Even worse if it's an evening only invite, not good enough to see the exchange of vows but good enough to make up the gift/cash quota.

I just think explicit requests for money, included on the invitation look rude.
You wouldn't invite people to a housewarming or a christening or your child's birthday party and include a tacky poem demanding money, so why is it okay for brides and grooms to do it.

But there is so much about weddings nowadays that is vulgar and lacks class. The week long hen and stag parties, the expecting guests to fork out a fortune to attend weddings abroad or in out of the way locations to which the bride and groom have no connection whatsoever, the pressure to attend post wedding barbecues and pre wedding dinners, etc etc.

Naff to mention gifts in the invite and naff to ask for cash. So double naff there.

However, it is becoming the norm and so it's more difficult to object to it. Etiquette and culture evolve...

I think it's the expectation that pisses me off. And having a website that shows how much everyone has given you is awful. The people who can't afford to give much are the ones who end up looking bad. Not every couple are understanding, although the majority are. For some people it's a choice between attending the wedding and giving a gift. As a couple getting married, which would you prefer?

Purple exactly the point I made earlier!

I think it is bad to mention gifts at all in an invite.

Would you mention them in a birthday /family party invite?
"Come to my 40th, I would like some cups listed here or the cash?"

I think if people inquire about gifts, when they ask, then it is helpful to either have a list or suggestion.

If you really need the money, I dont think you should be getting it from getting married.

I wouldn't dream of mentioning presents or money gifts in an invitation but I don't mind when other people do it 😂 I would feel really rude and grabby asking but because so many people think it's ok I don't find it rude if other people ask.... I'm not sure that is logical but it's what I think. 🤔

The poems are ALWAYS naff though.

I hate money poems. When I got married we didn't use one. We didn't have a gift list because we had everything we needed.

Some people gave us money/vouchers which was appreciated but we had some guests who brought nothing. Not even a card. My mum was livid!

We just said we wanted our friends and family to come and enjoy the day/evening with us, no presents. Some people gave us John Lewis vouchers and others just cards. I hate it when people ask for money, as another poster said, so grabby!

Why not?

I would write "you don't have to get us anything, but if you do, please give us money".

I don't want a toaster and 3 fondue kits.

Agree completely mango

Accept gifts grateful, expect nothing, require nothing and if people actively ask what to give you then (and only then!) do you say what you'd like.

Websites that show what people have given?? That's awful 😮

The absolute worst we were ever invited to (and that was the evening do only) had a link to a website.

The website had a kind of shopping cart when you could pick "presents" and then pay on checkout.

The presents were things like;

1. 1000 air miles towards our flights to Africa - £200 - 10 available
2. Safari trip in Kenya for two - £500 - one available
3. Dinner at xxx game reserve - £150 - two available
4. Spending money for mementoes - £100 - five available
5. Cocktails in the sun - £50 - five available
6. New holiday clothes - £75 - 6 available

I shit you not.

After the wedding I looked at the list again and hardly anyone at all had picked things and checked out.

Cheeky monkeys.

I would have preferred they included a crap poem and request for money.

Suggested that if anyone wanted to give us a gift, a donation to charity would be appreciated

I know a couple who did that. It leaves a much sweeter taste in the mouth than being asked for cash towards a holiday abroad.
I've been married twice and I think it's really bad taste to mention gifts in an invitation.

I have never had an issue with it - I'm always a bit baffled when people do

I would always buy a gift - from a gift list - so it's not really any different is it

I'd like to people what they wanted - not some old tat I thought they'd like

We had a John Lewis gift list and both sets of parents made people aware of this if anyone asked them about gifts. We also got a fair amount of cash and John Lewis vouchers but we didn't mention anything in the invitations. We were also able to amend our gift list so when one of our friends bought us things from Amazon that we had on our JL list we just removed them from there.

Most overseas weddings I have been to you give the B&G cash. Be thankful it is only expected to give a little. At one distant relatives wedding I went to, I was told that it was expected of me to give at least £800 for our family of 4. I said no and in the end my DH's relatives gave money on behalf of all of us. There was no way I was forking out that much money to a close family member, never mind a distant one! I bet my name is mud.

I was also invited to a colleagues wedding in HK when I lived there. This colleague never spoke to me once the whole time I worked there but invited me to her wedding. I was told that it was expected of me to give around £80 cash as a present. I declined the wedding and another I was invited to and then told I was culturally insensitive.

Hotel I think that's probably the same website I'm on about. They can see who has bought what! I hate that idea. And regardless of what anyone says, it IS grabby. If you want to pay for your wedding and enjoy a honeymoon, do so. Don't expect other people to fund it for you! If you can't afford it, then either save for longer or don't have such a ridiculous wedding.

I really never understand the MN obsession with this. It's so so normal and actually the traditional thing in my culture (it would be seen as bad taste to give a gift)

I personally think gift lists are worse, you have to get in as soon as possible to avoid being left with the £70 silver serving spoon you know they will never use

If you already have what you need, you don't need to ask for presents......imagine someone putting a request for cash on a 40th birthday or golden wedding anniversary invitation....incredibly jarring. This is the same.

I couldn't give a peer cash anyway. Cash gifts are something I would give to a teen relative. Not a grown up with a job and a house! I realise others have no problem, and indeed in some cultures it's the norm, but it's not what I've grown up with.

I echo Mango's point about the sheer cost of attending weddings as well. Requests for cash on top of hundreds spent to attend leave a bad taste in the mouth. If I'd been to any weddings which were a few hours out of one day, held down the road, like the old days, I might feel differently. Possibly.

Just to add- I find it so frustrating when there is no mention of a gift list/gifts in a wedding invitation!

It is so much more straightforward when the couple request what they would like e.g. cash

I do not feel morally offended or have to clutch at my pearls when a couple request cash gifts

More of a relief that it is straightforward and we know that it's something they want and will make good use of e.g. use it to pay for the honeymoon!!

Surely paying for the honeymoon (if you want one) is one of the costs of getting married? When did it become ok to make the guests pick up the tab for it?