To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

[Generallyok]

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

I don't like it either. The original idea of wedding presents was to help young couples to set up home together for the first time. They genuinely needed pots and pans and towels and all that stuff.

Nowadays, most couples have been living in their own home for years so really they should specify 'no gifts' on the invitation, not a request for money to fund an exotic honeymoon or a big splashy wedding..

Obviously some people will still want to give something. But explicitly asking for money is rude.

All my friends had a list. We did a list. With a note saying we didn't expect anything at all just hoped for their company on the day, but had been inundated for requests for the list before we even sent out invites. People like to know they are buying you something useful/you'd like.

So I don't have a problem with it. I've also no problem with people asking for treats for their honeymoon. I like the thought of them starting their new life together with an experience I'd gifted them.

However I absolutely wouldn't have judged anyone who'd bought us a plate or teaspoon (which they did) as all had different incomes and levels of disposable income and were at different life stages.

Not giving a gift would be unthinkable for me. Like turning up at a birthday party and not bringing a present even if it's just a bottle of something.

I don't mind giving cash as it saves me shopping, but never know how much to give! E.g. for a relative that is not immediate family and that you rarely see, versus a close friend iyswim.

I think i'm going to go against the flow here, but putting in a something about where your gift list/cash please isn't "demanding" a present. I'd be a bit eye roll-y if I received an invite saying "here's where the event is and here is where the gift list is" but I have no problem with something in the invite saying "if you would like to give us a gift that would be amazing - our gift list is here/cash please".

I don't think it's rude, grabby or demanding. People can easily just not give a gift if they don't want to, and if they do want to they don't have to ask the b&g (along with every other guest doing the same).

TBH I prefer having all the information upfront so I can get sorted, book hotels, buy gift and everything without having to ask follow up questions. One of my friends is getting married later this year abroad, their wedding website has a link to a honeymoon fund website for those that want it, but given the flights cost etc we might not gift anything - and I don't think they'd care. At our wedding last year we had just a small note at the back of the invites with a link to the gift list, most people generously gifted us presents, some people didn't, and I'm not offended by either.

The invite is an invite not a summons, yes? And a link to a gift list etc is just a link, not a demand?

I have been to several weddings in the last few years and have never got a request for money or anything else. I think its really rude actually. Yes there is an expectation that a gift will be given and its no secret that most couples prefer cash but surely the definition of a gift is something that is freely given. I am in Ireland though so maybe it's not the done thing here.

I think my other issue with giving money is that it tends to cost a fortune to attend weddings these days anyway. As an example, the couple I talked about who had the website with '£10 for beers around the pool' etc are getting married in a hotel. It's a 2 hour drive for us, so a fair bit in petrol for starters. It starts late, so the hotel is costing us £180. Admittedly we don't have to buy new outfits, but DCs don't have any suitable clothes as they've grown significantly since the last wedding we went to. I'm a fairly savvy shopper so doubt I'll spend more than £50 for both of them, but that's still getting on for £300 already. Plus drinks at the venue. Taxi back to the hotel, unless DP doesn't drink. £300 to attend someone else's wedding, and then money to pay for their honeymoon on top of that? If it was 5 years ago, I just wouldn't have been able to go.

I should add that when i was younger and getting married myself it was common to have a gift list, but it was only given to people who actually asked for it.

i've had a few invites saying they don't have a gift list as they have everything they and just want your company for the day. But, if people would like to give them something they would prefer money. As other posters have said you can't win either way so it seems the most sensible option. Those who want to gift something can, those who don't want to don't have too. I don't see the point in giving a gift they won't use, I'd rather give cash they can put towards something they actually want.

I agree that the original idea of gift lists was for when couples were setting up their first homes. My parents gift list included cutlery, bedlinen, pots and pans etc, all of which they needed. They got married in 1970. My DM still has some of the cutlery and pans, casserole dishes etc. Things were made to last in those days! It was the done thing, and that's ok. But now it's just unnecessary.
The couple I mentioned above put a stealth boast in their invitation, something along the lines of 'as you know we both work very hard and have bought ourselves a beautiful new home, which we have furnished ourselves'. Why does that need to be said?!

I clearly have wedding related rage issues....

We got married last summer (second marriage for both of us). Didn't mention presents at all. Some people gave us money, some vouchers, some bottles of prosecco, a lovely picture, some chocolate and a restaurant voucher. No toasters

I like that Miranda. A restaurant voucher is a lovely idea, and something I'd probably give a couple getting married, something they can enjoy together when all the wedding mania has died down. And you didn't have to ask, people just gave because they wanted to.

My sister is doing my flowers, my mum paid for my dress (DP £85 bargain!) my niece is making our cake, my best friend is doing my hair, my nephew is taking our photos. All of these are gifts to me, things that have enabled us to keep our wedding costs down and I couldn't imagine asking any more from them.

We were given so much when we got married. People were very generous and we were grateful for the thought. We then proceeded to donate a great deal of it to charity shops because either, we already had a toaster/enough towels or we just didn't like it, polycotton sheets when we prefer cotton or ornaments that were not to our more minimalist taste. Nowadays I am so grateful to see a request for cash as I know the B&G will be able to get exactly what they want or need with nothing going to waste.

I happily give cash gifts to all the weddings I attend, I've never once thought it rude when people ask for cash in their invites. It's the norm to. It's not like they're coming round my house and demanding money because they just got married. I'm always delighted to be invited to weddings, and am delighted to donate to their honeymoon fund

It's kind of the way things are nowadays isn't it though?

To be honest, I'd rather give a small cash gift then buy some tat that is going to sit along side with a load more tat in the couple's home

It's more straightforward, if they would like money, as opposed to trying to find some unique present or something

Liinoo and Softly

I agree wholeheartedly with both your posts

We've had a request for cash before and the couple included their bank details asking for bank transfers. No thank you note either.

I don't like the little rhymes but I don't mind people asking for cash.

Bit grabby and cheesey, can see why they did it though.
We married in a low key ceremony, friends and close family only. Suggested that if anyone wanted to give us a gift, a donation to charity would be appreciated.
Only one guest did, and we ended up with lots of beautiful ceramic and glass things that we did not want, and have consequently been boxed up for years so the dc don't destroy them.
Will probably send them to a charity shop tbh, but feel bad as I am clearly ungrateful.
Maybe we should have written a poem.....

is it really bad form to say you don't want anything, no money or gifts?

I hope not, because that's what we did. A few people then contacted us saying they actually wanted to give us something and would we put a gift list together so we made a small one. Couple of relatives gave us cash in envelopes, but we were very clear that we expected absolutely nothing from people. Wedding cost about 12k, so not cheap but not vastly extravagant either (not that there's anything wrong with super budget or super extravagant if that's what you want and can afford, go for it.)

We paid for own own wedding, had an unexpected (and very welcome) bit of cash from my folks which paid for about 1/3 of the honeymoon. We would have been very uncomfortable with any expectations of guests - that they came along was enough.

I'm friends (no longer good friends) with someone who went A1 bridezilla for hers. I was a skint student at the time and had to turn down the hen do as I was skint. we couldn't afford to give her a present - attending the wedding meant I went without for quite a while. She knew this and still made a fuss at no present. Needless to say we are no longer close.

You're all tight tbh. If I accept a wedding invitation I go because I want to see the couple get married and wish them well - so I'm more than happy to give them a gift. Most people do live together before they get married so they have all the bits and pieces traditionally on a wedding list so if they want money then that's fine too. One thing I truly find absurd is the amount of mumsnet posters saying things like 'it should be a gift I've chosen' - to me that just indicates a total lack of self awareness - your taste may not be to everyone else's, and there's literally only so much shite and junk you can fill your house with. Just give money and stop moaning.

But if you don't put the poem in you and your parents get hassled constantly over "what you want" and you have to tell everyone that you want some money which is just awkward.

When we got married I didn't put anything on wedding invites but did put a note on the simple website I made (guests were in many different continents) that we didn't expect any gifts and welcome people as they are but if they were planning a gift John Lewis vouchers would be appreciated. We were due to move countries in a few months and living in a different one to our birth country where the wedding was. So any gifts would have had to be stored for at least a year, possibly much more, in my parents garage which seemed shit. Some have money some gave gifts. All the money was put in a separate account and used towards a house deposit a few years later. All the JL vouchers paid for our white goods and basic furniture for our new home then too. I hope people realise that their gifts were used for something so important to us and were greatly valued by us.

I don't see a problem with it tbh. Most people these days live together before marriage and don't need more photo frames/cutlery/wine glasses/duvet covers/plates/general tat. So I'd rather gift money!

Bonadrag what about the people who genuinely can't afford to give money? Who go without just so they can afford to attend the actual wedding? Are they tight too? Like I said, DP and I are fortunate to not be in that position anymore, but when I was a single mum I was. That feeling never leaves you, and I would hate to think that anyone who came to our wedding was struggling to get by for a while just so they can attend.