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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

340 replies

Generallyok · 01/06/2017 09:25

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 01/06/2017 21:17

We said that we didn't expect a present at all and just wanted people to attend but if anyone were going to buy us anything then could we please have a small donation to our honeymoon. Some people still gave us actual gifts and that great. The money thing was more aimed at direct family tbh.
We did not put any gift info at all on evening guests invites. That seems mad. Evening guests just gave us a card which was very sweet of them.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 21:28

'I've never had a wedding invite which asked for money. They mostly said something along the lines of "we are happy with not having gifts or money from you but if you really wish to then you're welcome to give us cash to help us with the honeymoon". '

That's an invitation asking for money.

Miscella · 01/06/2017 21:50

Another Irish poster here. Nobody in ireland sends gift lists or requests for money. It's just a given - you go to a wedding and you give money. Of course there are people who can't afford this and couples often get a few actual presents mixed in but 99% of guests just give money.

It's standard to give €100 if you go alone, €200 if a couple ( I admit I'm putting the amounts cos I think it's hilarious to see the reactions from british posters, it seems Irish weddings are a different thing entirely to British ones😄)

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 01/06/2017 21:52

I genuinely don't see what he problem is. Saves me traipsing round shops buying something, I much prefer to give money and couldn't give a hoot what the bride and groom choose to spend it on

expatinscotland · 01/06/2017 21:55

'It's standard to give €100 if you go alone, €200 if a couple ( I admit I'm putting the amounts cos I think it's hilarious to see the reactions from british posters, it seems Irish weddings are a different thing entirely to British ones😄)'

You think it's hilarious if people genuinely cannot afford to spunk 200 euros on a wedding and feel shitty for not being able to give that kind of money? Hmm

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 01/06/2017 21:56

expat I think she meant she's amused to see the frothiness the thought of giving so much money at a wedding creates

Most we ever give is £100 as a couple

Alconleigh · 01/06/2017 21:59

I'd no more give £100 to a bride and groom than I would cut my arm off. Not least because weddings cost several hundred to attend, in my experience. Jesus, what else do they want? A pint of my blood? An actual pound of flesh?

FinallyMrsE · 01/06/2017 22:00

We didn't mention gifts on the invite and when people asked we just said we wanted people to come and enjoy the day and celebrate with us without gifts or cash. We didn't have a honeymoon because we couldn't afford it but I wouldn't ever ask anyone else to fund one...

I also said no gifts at birthday parties we've had and when people gave money at our daughters christening we gave it to a charity. We are in no way rich or even comfortable but I don't like the idea of occasions being money making schemes.

**although weirdly, I don't mind giving money to others if that's what they ask for 🤷🏽‍♀️

reetgood · 01/06/2017 22:22

I mean, would you send out a list of what you want before your birthday?

Umm that's what my family ask for... I've just had texts asking 'what do you want'. Obv I wouldn't send out to all and sundry. Also for Christmas. That's how I read mentions of gifts on invitations tbh - someone close to the b&g really wants them to have a present so they're trying to acknowledge the impulse.

Now wondering if this method of just asking each other what you want for birthdays is unusual. Surely not? Am I also alone in loathing gift giving for forms sake, and finding giving gifts that aren't wanted really wasteful?

Miscella · 01/06/2017 22:25

Expat - my post clearly states that some people cannot afford this and most couples also receive a few actual presents.

I think I am also quite clear that my amusement comes from the reaction of non-Irish posters to the amount of money that is standard for an Irish wedding present.

I find your interpretation of my post strange.

user1480459555 · 02/06/2017 08:21

If a couple can afford thousands for a wedding surely they can afford to pay for a honeymoon? How about paying less for the wedding so that you can definitely afford a honeymoon?

Me and OH couldn't afford a honeymoon (our wedding cost less than £1,000) but would never have asked for money for one

MargaretCavendish · 02/06/2017 12:40

If a couple can afford thousands for a wedding surely they can afford to pay for a honeymoon? How about paying less for the wedding so that you can definitely afford a honeymoon?

But, again, this is surely an argument against wedding presents at all, not cash ones. They could also have spent less and bought their own fancy toaster. I can see why you'd object to wedding gifts (though I think it makes you a bit mean) but no logical reason to object only to giving a cash gift.

clarkl2 · 02/06/2017 17:44

We didn't ask for anything other than the company of our guests and were lucky enough to be gifted money to cover the majority of our honeymoon 😊

olbndansmummy · 02/06/2017 17:46

A relative on Dh side getting wed this summer (we not got invite, even though it's his niece!) And according to bil who has been invited they are asking for air miles towards honeymoon, or cash towards their deposit for house! When we got married 22 yrs ago we didn't send gift list cos we were grateful for anything we got tbh

olbndansmummy · 02/06/2017 17:47

Oh forgot to add this wedding costing over £20 grand

deliverdaniel · 02/06/2017 17:59

YANBU- it's so rude to include any request for gifts in a wedding invitation. By all means have a list, but wait until someone asks for it. And asking for money is horribly crass. If you are fortunate to have so much stuff already that more would be a burden then you should ask your guests not to give you anything.

ALittleMop · 02/06/2017 18:02

I've never had a cash begging poem but did have a lovely one that said we've been shacked up for years and don't need any household items, please give some money to a particular charity, if you wish, not on a just giving thing either, so they didn't know if we did or we didn't.

TBH cash is ALWAYS an option as a gift, but IMO people should accept with good grace whatever they get and not specify cash unless asked directly.

ALittleMop · 02/06/2017 18:03

It's fine of course to ask for nothing at all.

solomanswife · 02/06/2017 18:03

RestlessTravellerTheSeeker has it right. It's an invitation to a wedding. Full stop. If people want to bring a gift, or money, they can ask you. You don't ask them.

MrsPilkington · 02/06/2017 18:04

I don't mind people asking for money instead of gifts but I do hate the poem. We get married in septemeber and haven't said anything. A couple of people have enquirer as the why we don't have a gift list and I've just said that we have lived together for 6 years so don't need anything, thank you so much for thinking of us though. Yeah I'd love a few quid to fund a honey moon, we've just bought our first house (due to move next week) have three kids and a wedding to pay for but it's up to us to pay for that too, not expect cash thrown at us.

manicmij · 02/06/2017 18:06

It's downright rude and greedy. How do they know folk will give them any ki d of present in the first place especially when being told "they already have everything".Lucky them. I'd ask what their favourite charity is and say you want to make a donation in their name.Greedy tests.

Bigblug · 02/06/2017 18:07

I would ask for money if me and dp were ever in a position to get married.
I think it's because alot of people live together before they get married so they do have everything they need. I wouldn't have anything to put on a registry bar large items! Of course wedding gifts are optional but most wouldn't dream of turning up without one. Me and dp have a slight advantage with our close family because we're wedding videographers and are happy to offer our services for free/heavily subsidised as a gift, but, apart from money, there's not much else we'd need.

Bigblug · 02/06/2017 18:09

We wouldn't put a poem though, anyone who would ask me would get that answer. Feel like I need to clarify that Blush

cherrybath · 02/06/2017 18:09

I hate it. But my niece got married recently and some of their friends did give them money, even though they'd not asked for it. Obviously it is normal now, distasteful as it seems to many of us.

GOASTT · 02/06/2017 18:13

We (genuinely) didn't want any gifts or money and said so. We ended up getting a load of stuff we didn't want and I wish we'd just told people if they wanted to give us a gift money was fine!