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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

340 replies

Generallyok · 01/06/2017 09:25

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/06/2017 18:21

Including a gift list in with the wedding invitation is crass.

Asking for money - with the wedding invitation - is just beyond.

reetgood · 01/06/2017 18:22

I think I've been to one wedding with a list. We couldn't afford anything on it, so we gave them a card and some cash. Most weddings I've been to usually include a line about being happy for people to just attend the wedding, but if people want to gift then a contribution to honeymoon (or rugs, in one case!) is appreciated. Most marriages have been people who have been co-habiting a while, and I am guessing that the gift line is in there for relatives who get the hump about not knowing what to gift. I don't understand buying people a gift they don't want, just because you think it's the proper and done thing. Give cash, don't give cash. I think it's distinctly un-tacky to avoid accumulation of stuff that will be a waste of other people's money.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/06/2017 18:28

We put a very polite request for money in our invitation (not in the form of a vomit inducing poem). Our families and friends are fortunately not the kind of judgey people who would take offence!

There's no such thing as a 'polite request' for money. But, you know, you don't actually have to ask people for money?

People like to give gifts when they go to weddings - it's done entirely voluntarily. Because, well, people are nice, and they like to give on your special day.

This is why asking for anything, let alone money, reflects so badly. People will do it anyway.

And if you end up with a couple of extra pots and pans (as if anyone even gives this any more), because that's what someone wanted to give you, so what?

reetgood · 01/06/2017 18:50

It's not a particularly great gift, if it's not wanted and causes inconvenience to the recipient though is it? I always thought that gifts were about considering the recipient, not the giftee. It's crass to say 'give us money' but it's not crass to say if you want to gift us something, then here is the form in which it would be most appreciated.

I'm from a family where we just ask each other what we want for birthdays and Christmas though. I don't see that specifying gifts of money at a wedding is much different.

reetgood · 01/06/2017 18:53

My perspective is also informed by a MIL who just gives The Worst gifts, and partner used to be unable to say 'thanks but no thanks' to whichever amazing bargain she had picked up/ wanted rid of. I really dislike being gifts I didn't request, don't want, and then have to deal with getting rid of. And then to have to be grateful for someone considering that their sense of what is proper is more important than what I actually would like? No ta.

BuzzKillington · 01/06/2017 18:58

I am happy to give cash and happy to be generous, but never happy to be asked for cash - so vulgar.

We were invited to a wedding where the couple had both been married before and they'd lived together for 3 years. We got the most ghastly little 'poem' (if you could call it that) which basically said, 'we live together and have everything we need, but we fancy a holiday in the caribbean, so please give us cash'.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/06/2017 19:10

And then to have to be grateful for someone considering that their sense of what is proper is more important than what I actually would like? No ta.

The total arseholes - coming to your wedding to celebrate your special day, and giving you stuff.

MrsDustyBusty · 01/06/2017 19:12

I'm so glad to live in Ireland. It's not even slightly complicated - you just give cash, everyone knows what amount to give. Easy. No poems, lists, spite goats or revenge frames.

reetgood · 01/06/2017 19:48

@thedowagercuntess giving a gift that isn't requested, and inconveniences the recipient, isn't that polite. I'm not married, won't be getting married, but I certainly wouldn't be dumping a gift on couples who have specifically requested cash. My sister has requested no gifts, no cash and I won't give anything. I shall be making the cake as a gift as she asked me to. I think it's rude not to listen to people's preferences. The wedding isn't about what I think they should have.

mamalovesmojitos · 01/06/2017 19:58

So rude. I always give cash, but if a couple ASKED for it I'd be seriously put out.

Alpanini · 01/06/2017 20:01

Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. We said no gifts please but if you really want to here's a list ( not on the invite, on the piece of paper with travel info etc on), and got loads of complaints that there wasn't enough on the list and it was all too cheap. Older generation gave money, our friends gave us little homemade things / cards. Have pity on the b&g, it's a minefield and if you know they're not grabby people usually chalk it up to family pressure or temporary wedding madness.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 20:03

It's the asking for money and the repulsive poems that irritate beyond belief. I would only give money to close family, anyway.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/06/2017 20:04

The thing is, we live in a tiny flat that already has more stuff than we have space for, so being given yet more stuff really isn't going to help us.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 20:05

There is no such thing as "wedding madness"; there is however a sense of entitlement and the impression you can make stupid demands.

nina2b · 01/06/2017 20:07

Today 20:04 AngeloMysterioso

The thing is, we live in a tiny flat that already has more stuff than we have space for, so being given yet more stuff really isn't going to help us.

Erm - and your point is? Are you going to remain there forever? If not, accept gifts with gratitude.

Agoddessonamountaintop · 01/06/2017 20:14

Don't know if this has been mentioned but they were talking about this on R4 this afternoon, possibly You and Yours. They mentioned a couple who typically had been together for a long time, needed nothing etc., but who'd asked guests to give a copy of their favourite book. Lovely idea.
Swiftly followed by a guy talking about having everything they needed already, and his gift list being an 'amazing opportunity to have the sort of once-in-a-lifetime holiday and experiences they could never possibly afford' .

Agoddessonamountaintop · 01/06/2017 20:19

Love the Oxfam goat!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/06/2017 20:26

I've seen similar to the book idea. Friends of ours, when asked, suggested we buy items for their children's classrooms like books, glue sticks, craft items etc. Lovely idea and totally perfect for a second wedding. We would usually just take flowers or wine for a second wedding but did stray from tradition for this idea.

Aroundtheworldandback · 01/06/2017 20:38

There's no such thing as a "polite" request for money. Yuk! The only thing I would do would be to request a small donation to a chosen charity- but would make it perfectly clear it was not expected!

AngeloMysterioso · 01/06/2017 20:44

Erm - and your point is? Are you going to remain there forever?

Possibly- neither of our salaries has moved in years and places to live are only getting more expensive. It's bonkers to just assume we'll have somewhere bigger in the future.

Krispiesquare · 01/06/2017 20:47

If you think that's tacky...

A woman I know got married a few days ago. Every day during the run of for the wedding for about 3 weeks she would post a status saying

'Only XX days until the wedding! If you would like to donate towards our honey moon fund you can do so here www.tackyAF.com/grabbygrabbygrabgrab'

pop000 · 01/06/2017 21:02

How do I buy a goat for someone? That's an amazing idea! Do you get a form or something proving the purchase?

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/06/2017 21:08

Krispie 😂

Some people have been raised by wolves. Totally clueless.

kel1234 · 01/06/2017 21:10

I hate registries for weddings, or asking for money. I think it's grabby and terrible to do.
I mean, would you send out a list of what you want before your birthday? So why for a wedding?
We didn't ask for anything, and those who asked us what we wanted, we said just your company on the day.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 01/06/2017 21:10

I've never had a wedding invite which asked for money. They mostly said something along the lines of "we are happy with not having gifts or money from you but if you really wish to then you're welcome to give us cash to help us with the honeymoon". I genuinely feel that the b and g wouldn't have minded me /us not giving any money. I always do though, because I'm honoured to be invited to share their special day, and they will be people that I love, so I'm more than happy to give cash. Most people want to give something to the bride and groom, so saying in the invite what the deal is is really no problem for me, and I don't find it grabby.

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