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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact that wedding invites come with a request for money?

340 replies

Generallyok · 01/06/2017 09:25

I love going to weddings and would never dream of not giving a gift,but hate that we always seem to get sent a cute little poem that tells you that they have all their pots and pans etc etc but love money to fly somewhere in the sun. I do get that too and would ask if they have a list or would prefer money but it just seems a bit much to send out this message. We have just received one just for an evening invite. I'm not married but can't imagine sending an invite and then telling everyone we would like their dosh. AIBU?

OP posts:
mellongoose · 02/06/2017 19:50

So, just to clarify, what is the done thing?!!

Am getting married next year. Have been together 6 years, living together 4 and have a 2yo - renting (not that that matters). Am so clueless that I didn't even know there was a poem!

TBH, I don't want to get it wrong and piss people off!

McTufty · 02/06/2017 19:53

mellongoose

Whatever you do you will piss people off. That goes for weddings generally. Most people in real life are more supportive of people they are close enough to to get a wedding invitation than would appear to be the case from Mumsnet threads.

If you want money, don't have a list of any kind and you should get it without mentioning it in the invitation. If you do want to mention it just be direct and polite and don't dress it up in poem form.

FreeNiki · 02/06/2017 19:53

We actually asked for money on our invites. We were already living together had a child and honestly didn't really need any more 'stuff'.

Then dont have presents at all?

UKrider · 02/06/2017 20:03

It's bad form to mention any gifts on invitations.

We got married last year. We didn't register anywhere and if asked we just said 'no gifts'. Most people still put money in an envelope and we also got some lovely gifts of wine and a few 'luxury' household things but 90% cash. We were really blown away by people's generosity.

kittensinmydinner1 · 02/06/2017 20:06

No ifs or buts about it . ANY mention of gifts either boxed , wrapped or in cash is crass and chavvy in the extreme. ! Yes you can do it, people obviously do as there is a whole 'thing' these days called a 'wedding registry' - boak.

I'm sorry but asking or assuming gifts of any type is crass.
Equally - going to a wedding and not ENQUIRING of the bride or grooms family what they think they would like is just as ill mannered. But gifts are in the hands of the gifter. NOT the receiver.
A wedding is the time to celebrate the bridal couples marriage not an opportunity to lline a bank account or grab material goods.

twattymctwatterson · 02/06/2017 20:08

I don't really get this. When I give a gift I give it for the recipient not myself. I'd much rather give the couple something they actually want or need. Giving cash also saves me the hassle of sourcing a gift. It's a win-win as far as I'm concerned. I couldn't give a fuck about etiquette though.

MargaretCavendish · 02/06/2017 20:17

Equally - going to a wedding and not ENQUIRING of the bride or grooms family what they think they would like is just as ill mannered.

What if you don't know the bride or groom's family? And if you're clearly envisaging a system in which giving a gift is all but expected, and where it's normal for the bride and groom to express preferences about those gifts, then why on earth would you make people jump through the hoop of calling the bride's mum to find out what those preferences were?

listsandbudgets · 02/06/2017 20:22

We had a wedding invite a few years ago in which they asked if they could have contributions so they could pay for lifetime membership of the National Trust. I thought that was rather a nice idea and didnt mind at all being asked to give money for something that benefit them for so long

mellongoose · 02/06/2017 20:30

Thanks Mctufty.

After reading this thread, I'm going to leave it out altogether. We genuinely don't want anything except for everyone to have a fun time. We are too long in the tooth (both 40 something) to care too much about wedding traditions!! But don't want to upset people.

Am happy to honeymoon when we've saved up again!!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 02/06/2017 20:35

When we got married we both had our own households and needed nothing specific for the house. So I asked for no presents. I wouldn't hae dreamt of asking for money. It never occurred to me.

motheroftwojedi · 02/06/2017 21:03

We didn't want any gifts at our wedding, and asking for cash felt uncomfortable. We set up a list with oxfam where people could purchase gifts for those really in need if they really wanted to do something. Worked for us.

Mrseft · 02/06/2017 21:20

We basically said no gifts for our wedding, but so many people insisted they wanted to gift us something, and something useful to us, that in the end we made it very clear we just wanted everyone there, and if anyone should like to purchase us a gift then a John Lewis gift card would be greatly appreciated. We already had a child and everything we needed for our home. No one we invited found it rude as they'd asked us in the first place, but I can see how outright asking is rude. Though I'd personally rather gift something someone can make use of than be the giver of the 85th silver photo frame or whatever x

Nanodust · 02/06/2017 21:33

I think that is is really greedy and presumptuous. If you already have everything donate to a charity, no gifts at all or ask for a contribution to a holiday or something. Just plain cash is crude IMO

MrsDustyBusty · 02/06/2017 21:35

Then dont have presents at all?

Who on earth would go to a wedding without a present? Some of you are just dreadful, shocking people. So you don't like getting a gift suggestion. You actually have the horrible attitude that the way to deal with that is to consciously set out to get an unwanted gift to punish family and friends for doing something you consider rude.

Blondielongie · 02/06/2017 21:44

One of DPs semi-distant relatives is getting married in the Maldives (we are not going) and it will cost thousands for guests to go. The hotel specifies smart-casual evening wear at the restaurant (no jeans or flipflops). So that's additional money to make sure you have enough posh clothes. They have asked for money so they can have a separate honeymoon.

When they are getting married in the Maldives.

And guests will already be forking out thousands.

Tonkatol · 02/06/2017 21:45

My husband and I have been married over 20 years and it was my mum who asked us to do a gift list as numerous family members had asked what we would like (and we were just setting up home). I put a list of gifts in a duplicate book, so that people could tear out the top copy so they knew what we wanted. Some things were specific (for instance we were collecting some glasses) and so we put where they were from and we broke them down into pairs, as that was how many came in a box. Other items, such as an ironing board, were non-specific. We were aware that weddings can be expensive for guests so the items varied in price from about £7 up to about £80 - one couple, who wanted to spend more, chose to buy 4 sets of glasses that were £15 a pair.

The worst thing for me was that I met several members of my husband's family for the first time at his grandmother's funeral. At least 3 of them asked me whether we had a gift list during the wake and seemed to be surprised that I hadn't taken it with me!! They thought it would have been a perfect opportunity, with so many guests in the same place at once!! It was the truly the last thing I was thinking about when getting ready to meet DH family for the first time AND at a funeral!

EB123 · 02/06/2017 21:46

We said no presents or money. We are not well off at all but it is just a bit tacky to me. Some people gave us cash/vouchers or a gift anyway but lots of didn't and honestly I couldn't have cared less.

Blondielongie · 02/06/2017 21:47

Sorry - smart casual for evenings in the restaurant/bars while you stay there, as guests will be going for a week or so, obviously not just the wedding itself - just incase anyone reads my comment and is Confused

cherish123 · 02/06/2017 21:55

It is very rude to ask for money. A wedding list is fine, however. In fact, I find it a bit annoying if there isn't one. It is much easier to choose a present from a list. I went to one wedding (a second for the bride and first for the groom) and they asked for money to be donated to their honeymoon fund with Trailfinders! A lot of people thought they were a bit cheeky.

scottishtreehugger · 02/06/2017 21:58

YANBU at all.

I never really liked wedding gift lists, and I dislike requests for cash even more. So rude.

People spend a stupid amount of money on weddings. Fine if you want to spend on your own wedding, but it's ridiculous to expect folk to spend on outfits, travel, accommodation etc, and then tell them you'd like a present too, thanks very much. So rude.

Clawdy · 02/06/2017 22:00

I don't really mind being asked for money, but hate it when the invite starts with "We don't want gifts, just your presence, but......." That "but" should be in capitals!

Rooster44 · 02/06/2017 22:02

It shows an utter lack of class to ask for gifts or money.
As PP said, people aren't stupid and will gift money if they wanted to give a gift at all.
People who say it is fine to ask are usually the same people who asked themselves, thereby justifying their own grabbiness.

user1485609714 · 02/06/2017 22:29

We said in our invite that we didn't expect gifts but that a particular charity was close to our hearts and so, if anyone wanted to make a donation in lieu of gifts, we would appreciate that. I can't remember the exact wording. A lot of people donated and having forwarded it all to the charity we received a lovely letter in return. A friend did the same with her wedding and ended up in the local news (that wasn't her motivation for doing so). I think that people do like to give something because it's the 'done' thing'. Previously wedding invitations did include wedding lists and I think people are a bit lost without. We got a mixture of cheques made out to the charity, cash, or just cards. All were gratefully received.

McTufty · 02/06/2017 22:31

You sound quite nasty rooster

pollymere · 02/06/2017 22:41

I think travel vouchers are more appropriate in this situation. Despite having a wedding list we ended up with a load of Argos vouchers which we used to buy stuff we needed. People seemed happier to have this focus rather than giving money.