We're being stalked!

[thesqueezedlemon]

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

YANBU

We had similar issues with a neighbours child. It got beyond a joke in the end.

Constant knocking, similar manipulative messages and whispering to 'ask your Mum', if we we're in the garden and didn't hear her knock she'd climb over the fence. I ended up feeding her most weekends, I'd be constantly badgered for sleepovers. My kids rooms got trashed every time. She'd wait in our front garden if we were out, or if we were going out she'd want to know where we were going and if she could come too. She nagged my DD to ask me if we'd take her on holiday. It was just constant.

I got firm in the end. No 'might' just 'no, they are not playing today'. I sent her home at mealtimes, banned sleepovers on weeknights (she'd want to sleepover every night in the school holidays) and its tailed off to much more manageable levels

I felt sorry for her, she had much older brothers and was clearly lonely.

I spoke to her Mum about it once who informed me she didn't feel the need to take her DD out and a bit of boredom never hurt anyone - I agree with her to a certain extent and I didn't mind having her over or taking her out sometimes but it wasn't our job to amuse her daughter

I'd block her number on your children's phones at least during hours this child is not 'welcome'.

I still think you need to speak to her parents and set down some guidelines. Acceptable hours to knock. That if you send her home, she is not to come back/message repeatedly, you/the children will let her know when she's welcome.

You really are NOT going to be able to stop this until you do. For all you know, her parents are sending her over or telling her to 'keep checking'. This was 50 years ago but we had a neighbour with 5 children and the youngest (aged 4) was constantly walking into people's homes during the summer/school hols when doors were normally kept open (warm climate). People had to start locking the screen doors which we normally never did. Then he started standing at the locked screen door and repeatedly saying 'Hello, can I come in?'. Turns out his mother would 'send him out to play' and tell him, in essence, to 'find an open door'.

I've been in the same position as the OP and it is intolerable. I made my kids stay inside and kept the curtains shut to avoid this child from constantly wanting to come in. My kids didn't even like playing with this child that much. In the end I did put on my big girl panties and learn to say "no" as a complete sentence.
I have friends who allowed a neighbourhood child into their home and it accused her dh of molesting him. It was hell and their family was such that they remembered they had a kid when it was an alleged victim and they could exploit it. It was soon found out to be a false allegation made because their child had said he didn't want them in his room as he broke something on a previous visit.

I think children used to do that sort if thing a lot especially in some circles. I remember playing out and in others houses. However I think things have changed - we have play dates rather than knocking at the door.
I think you need to be firm. But smiley, with precise instructions no, not today, please don't message again today we are busy.
You can message back on the phone saying no please don't message again today we are busy, smile face.
Giving the girl hope saying perhaps later means she will try later! You've told her she can!

I'd hate to be in your situation OP. It's too much, and you are in no way being a 'nightmare'. I love having my own space, and family time, and a little intruder daily would not sit well with me.
You need to be a lot firmer with her though, as sadly you are letting her get away with being this way. She's spending too much time at your home, and her parents are getting free childcare.
I'd suggest when she comes over allow her to play with your DDs outside. At lunchtime call your DDs inside, and tell this girl that she needs to go home for lunch. When she returns tell her that DD are still eating/busy/anything really. I'm sure she will return in an hour or so. Again let them play outside, wait until dinner time, and call your DDs inside telling this girl to go home for dinner.
No harm in saying 'no DDs aren't coming out as we are doing such and such', she doesn't need to be part of everything you do daily. I'd also refuse taking her anywhere, that includes shopping.
You definitely need to be firmer with her. I hope it improves OP.

i think its time to go see the parents-its getting obsessive now-where are they at work? do they leav her alone is that why shes constantly knocking

How's it going OP ?
Keep on keeping on, and the Summer holidays will be nicely balanced.

I would honestly get her number blocked on their phones.

I agree.

OP. I completely understand. Are your kids ok with this?

When I was a kid a girl from school kept turning up at my house at dinner time. My mum fed her (even though we were skint)

I really was terrified of the girl ; she stole from me and made me really uncomfortable.

Please make sure your kids are ok with her being there

Does this file seem happy ?
Is there any child protection issues here ?

Are you feeding her ?
Does she look unkempt

This girl is a child and could be an unhappy one desperate to be in a
Happy home x

Sorry but this would drive me NUTS. It's not your responsibility to look after someone else's child. I've had this before - we had a little boy here all the time a few years ago and I'd just be left with him - the kids liked him, but it was the responsibility of having another child here. I didn't know his parents very well, they lived close enough but seemed to have no issue with him wandering for hours - I'd feed him, I'd give him ice-creams or treats if I bought them for my kids, he watched movies, he played with their toys (he never brought his own toys or snacks) - but he was here CONSTANTLY. His parents brought him on holiday for a week and when he came back he didn't have as much as a stick of rock for my kids - which made me feel like he was just being pawned off on us. I've absolutely no issue looking after a child and would never want to see one left out but his parents were taking the mick - OP I'd just say straight out to the girl "leave it a few days before you call again please" or be nice, but firm - if it's a Monday, say "Have a nice week at school, if you'd like to play with the children again you can come over next Saturday" or whatever, you're the adult. (You're also not being stalked)

I had this, nice girl, liked by my kids until they felt a but manipulated.
I talked to her about what was ok, and what wasn't. So asked her not to wait outside for us, agreed to feed her up to 4 times a week, Max of 2 sleepovers in a school week.
She sort of relaxed and stated to trust us, and it all calmed down a bit.

I think ohyesiam has her finger on the button here more than anyone else.

a kid being around -this- much isn't normal. Pushing this much isn't normal. But she doesnt know that.

Talking to her about the boundaries, and giving her times when she really is genuinely welcome, will help her more than anything else .. and give you space, which gives you more patience with her.

Right now you're almost in loco parentis and as such, the boundaries are really important. I really think ohyes has the right solution here - best for you and most definitely best for her.

I agree with talking to the child about acceptable hours for knocking, but that would be it! I'd be damned if I'd agree to feed them or overnight them for XX days. Meals and overnights are a treat, not something to be negotiated for.

So far so good. I picked the dcs up after work and went home and she was waiting for us as usual. By the time we got out of the car and were walking in the front door she was there asking to play. I said let us get in, we have a few things to do and off she went. The dcs then called for her half an hour later and played for an hour in the garden before we went out again.
I've blocked her number from thd dcs phones as I wasn't happy with the manipulative messages she was sending. She did message me this morning but just said hi. She hasn't been round today so I think she's at her grandparents.
I'm going to continue to limit things as it was getting beyond a joke.

Sounds like a very good start!

Good. Keep on track, firm but fair.
🍷🍷🍷 For you OP 😄