We're being stalked!

[thesqueezedlemon]

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

I think the use of 'stalking' is very unkind. But I do understand that having a child constantly at your door can be a bit of a nuisance.

If your children want to play with her at a given time, fine. If they do not, then tell her 'no' and send her home. If she hangs about the gate or whatever, send her on her way (again) and tell her that if she doesn't mind what you say, you will have to speak to her parents

As far as the phone messaging, I think you do need to speak to her parents about that. Let them know that if she messages to play and the children say 'not now' that needs to be the end of it and that you expect them to rein in her messaging them over and over after being told 'no'. I'd also consider blocking her number from your children's phones. This way you can better control the interaction.

Just realized I skipped a page! The 'first thing in the morning' was a problem I had with one of my son's friends when they were children. I finally had to speak to the mother and tell her that my children were not 'available' to play until 10am and could she please keep him away from our door until then.

I agree sinensis apart from the bit about being embarrassed for my use if stalking. I'd class it as such.
"Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group towards another person."
As pp's have said, it's an everyday word that sums up exactly what is happening whatever age the person. I understand she probably doesn't realise she is doing it though.

I'm glad my post had an effect and made you want to do something about your situation also. I'm definately going to try myself.

Posted to soon again. The last bit of my previous post was in reply to walking

YANBU. Although I think stalked was a bad choice of words.
You don't mind now and again, but. Not every minute of everyday.
Sometimes you just want the company of your own children.

Lol at how some posters are calling OP rude in rather unpleasantly written original and subsequent posts. Pots and kettles of a certain shade spring to mind

I don't think you ABU OP.

YANBU.

Yes, but "Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group towards another person." is not aimed at describing CHILDREN FFS, especially not to describe a neighbourhood child asking to play too many times for your liking and hanging about outside your gate.

Where is the behaviour likely to cause alarm or fear? You are being ridiculous.

Probably??? Of course she doesn't know what she is doing - she's a child. She is driven by her basic needs and impulses and trying to meet them drawing on behaviour seen in other (likely crap in her case) adults. She is a CHILD.

But maybe you'd be happy for the police to charge her with stalking? If she got 10 years in jail she wouldn't be on your doorstep.... so if you are so convinced that your description is reasonable, try and report it and see whether police agree with you, or look at you like you are the crazy one and charge you with wasting police time. Sheesh.

Makes me scared to think some people have the vote.

I like my own space so this would drive me crazy. My friend went through a really tough patch last year and she was round my house nearly every day for about 5 months. It was fine at first, but it gets tiresome quickly when you're someone else's entertainment. Not quite the same obviously, because kids probably find it more natural being entertainment for each other than adults do, but I know my kids wouldn't like it. Our next door neighbours little girl is absolutely lovely, but everytime were in the garden we get her shouting my eldest name until she answers, then spends the rest of the time forcing her to talk over the fence. Last summer my eldest spent a great deal indoors because she got so tired of her name being called constantly. She was only 5. I have a feeling when my neighbours little girl is a bit older she'll be a regular feature in my house because she seems pretty lonely too, she frequently is in her garden playing by herself. Her mum is lovely but abit oblivious and doesn't seem to do much with her.

Op I had a similar (ish) situation when I used to look after my DB. There's a big age gap between us (17 years) and my parents worked full time so he used to be cared for by me or a nanny during the daytime.

We had a little boy next door that the nanny and I used to call his "stalker". Neighbour would be sitting outside the door when he got home, first thing in the morning, would just let himself in etc. I'd often just find him downstairs playing with DB's toys when DB and I had been upstairs! (No knocking on the door he'd just walk in.) I started to lock the door!

He'd always invite himself over for tea or to sleep over almost every single day. It would drive all of us crazy! And actually, we wanted to spend time with DB sometimes and not have the little boy there.

Anyway I stopped looking after him when I left the area when he was about eight but it went on until my parents moved house. (He was maybe 12.)

They're both grown up now and I folllow this boy on Facebook and he's grown into a lovely young man, it looks like.

He was just lonely. And I sympathised. He had no siblings and his mother was nice but a bit absent, maybe.

But it was too much. Even now we say "remember when Neighbour would wait for you at our doorstep / let himself in / etc".

I was also bad at drawing the line. So was the nanny. Sounds like you have to. Good luck!

But maybe you'd be happy for the police to charge her with stalking? If she got 10 years in jail she wouldn't be on your doorstep.... so if you are so convinced that your description is reasonable, try and report it and see whether police agree with you, or look at you like you are the crazy one and charge you with wasting police time. Sheesh.
*
Makes me scared to think some people have the vote.*

Hahahaha slight overreaction perhaps.

Sounds to me like she just wants to play with your DCs and you're having a hard time with that because it leaves you on the outside.

I very much doubt she's expecting you to entertain her. She probably just wants to play with your children (because she likes them/they have fun together/it's what children do).

I am old, and I remember when we didn't have square boxes to play with or watch, we played out. This is how I remember my childhood friendships, spending every waking hour together.
It was a bit more balanced in that we (my two best friends and I) did go to each other's house. It was always my house at lunch times though because my mum supplied lunch and didn't seem too bothered doing so ( I now know my parents were really short of money, love them ).
But all three sets of parents grew a tough skin and would just say no sometimes, we just accepted that we had to wait for them to eat, sleep see relatives etc (but would sit on the wall and wait for them).
If all the mum's said no to playing in the houses, they would tell us to go to the park and play, so off we would trudge.
Everyone was the same, we were no different to all the children we knew. It was just 'playing out'.
Now and again we (the children) wanted some time alone and we would just say, 'staying in today, see you tomorrow,' and shut the door. Think we were a bit less worried about being so nice. That doesn't mean rude, just firm.

Op if you are unkind God knows what that makes me! You sound much more patient and thoughtful than I could be.

YNBU. Thinking from the other parents side - could it be that they're not seeing it as a nuisance? Their kid wants to play with her friends, she's hardly ever sent back and seems to enjoy it.

I'm guessing if they don't see that she's not welcome /a hassle then they won't think that it's not OK to send her over?

Let us know how it goes today OP.

Children do not "stalk". I also find your use of "stalking" unacceptable.

I had an older boy knocking on my door 10 times a day during the Easter holidays. He would also stand with his face pressed up against my lounge window and climb a 10 ft high wall to peer in my garden and kitchen window where he would stay for hours. This went on all day every day. Whenever we came back from being out he would be on my doorstep. When I told him not to come to my door anymore he sent other kids instead and hid round the corner. I spent the easter holidays living in darkness with all my blinds shut on beautiful sunny days. He did this to other parents in the street too and we all ended up having to keep our kids in for the entire holidays. How would you describe this behaviour? other than phsycopathic, because I can assure you I was freaked out and on the verge of contacting the police. This boy wasn't a friend of my childs, he'd just alienated all the kids his own age and had started on the younger ones. Unfortunately his behaviour and chat and were completely inappropriate (highly sexualised talk/violence etc) hence my requests to stay away. Believe me there are kids out there who can and do make others lives very fucking stressful. If an adult behaved in this manner it would indeed be classed as stalking, I certainly felt like I was being stalked and the kids were stressed out by the whole experience.

It got dealt with in the end by tracking down his parents who had no idea what he was upto.

YNBU. The fact that she is sending your kids manipulative whatsapps would be enough to rub me up the wrong way. At 12 she definitely knows what she is doing (as evidenced by the whatsapps and the fact that she quickly disappeared when another child arrived). Wether she has a bad home life/is lonely or not, it's not your responsibility to take her in (or your children's). Especially as she seems to have no boundaries in terms of knowing when it's ok to call round, or asking to stay for tea or sleep over (which I think is really cheeky), and it's not your job to have to teach her that.

Well she knocked at 9 this morning asking if the dcs were still out. I told her that we were busy and they might call for her later. I was firm and she has knocked since and sent messages to the dcs and myself. We exchanged numbers once when we were out one day in case we became separated. I told dd to reply reiterating what I said to her this morning.

We're coming out*

She was bugging me to let her stay for tea. I had to change the only meal I had planned so she could eat with the dcs.

This is the sort of thing I don't understand. You had the perfect excuse for saying no, i.e. that there wasn't enough food, and you didn't take it.

But in general you don't need excuses - all you need to do is say "No, not today" and leave it at that; if she comes back, point out very firmly that you've already said no and you don't expect to see her again. If she contacts your children, reply on their behalf firmly asking her not to try to go behind your back.

I love the way people on here think putting "She's a CHILD" in capital letters is a conclusive argument.

I agree OP. You need to say: no, not today. Don't leave 'hope' in there as an option that she could be called on as she'll just be asking: is it time yet?

Where is the behaviour likely to cause alarm or fear? You are being ridiculous

It may not be fear but certainly harassment!

Children have been and are prosecuted as the age for criminal responsibility is 10.

Regarding the girl, if your kids are not too keen to spend time with her just have a prepped excuse that they can use - practising the violin, rehearsing for a play, homework, anything really. They shouldn't feel pressured to be friends. The other option is to have an awkward conversation with the parents and tell them that all the constant bell ringing and knocking is getting too much.