We're being stalked!

[thesqueezedlemon]

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

You don't sound unkind at all, OP. I remember being a child and how much I hated having a 'friend' who was there all the time, so I'd imagine it's as annoying for your DCs as it is for you. There is nothing wrong with being polite but firm and its not down to you to entertain other people's children. It would be different if it was a best friend and they were all having a wonderful time together but it doesn't sound like that.

I think it would be best for the girl to go off and make some more friends, instead of hanging around at OP's door all day.

I have been in a similar situation, but not quite as bad. It was a 10year old boy in this case. At first I didn't mind him being here, but parents would never give him a time to be home for dinner or bed, and he would be here all day unless I sent him home.
My two are old enough to play out now, so I just send them all out if they want to go. Sometimes I let him into play, if I feel like it, other times no not today. I send him home just before mealtimes, saying 'time for you to go home now' no explanation needed. The dc's do not get to invite him or anyone else in unless I say so. It's hard work, but once you have done it a few times, you won't feel as guilty and be glad of the peace! Good luck OP

You could also look at this as a great opportunity to teach your dcs how to practice being firm but kind and not being led in to things they don't want to do.

I'm sure there's a great online resource for that somewhere.

Look at it as a good life lesson for them.

Thanks Sprinkle don't worry. I've been on MN many many years. I know some people (half on this thread to be exact) love a good bunfight. Haha!
I'm taking from this thread the good advice and kind words from the logical and sympathetic posters while ignoring the bollocks coming from others.

Just because people don't agree with you (especially in aibu) doesn't mean they're looking for a fight!

You're coming across as more and more rude tbh.

I was this child OP. I spent most of my childhood with my neighbours and even on Christmas Day would be counting the minutea until I thought it would be acceptable to knock the door. Thankfully the parents were kind understanding and I know actually enjoyed my company eventually . It made a HUGE difference to my entire life. I had so much fun there, I wasn't lonely and I developed such incredible friendships. My home life was less than desirable despite appearances so my neighbours was like a refuge. I would hang out in their garden whilst the family ate meals and loved being taken to the supermarket with them. Please be kind.

I am kind professor I'm always nice to her and usually say yes to her. I find it hard to say no but do put my foot down sometimes. I haven't ever made her feel anything less than welcome on my home.

In my home*

I wouldn't like the tone of her Whatsapp msgs to your DCs and with this girl being 2/3 years older it's going to be difficult for them to say no to her. They need you to be firm on their behalf. At the stage they're at, a 12 year old with a 10 and 9 year old it's a significant age difference. As this girl is pushy to the point of harassment and sounds quite manipulative I would be concerned about the dynamic with your children and would nip both social media contact and her joining you on family days out in the bud completely tbh.

If she and her sister come round to trampoline/play in the garden occasionally with your DCs fair enough but she needs to find friends her own age as pp have said.

I can't see how the OP is being mean/rude. She has very good intentions but she has DCS of her own, not unlimited budget and it's hardly her job to entertain other people's dcs.

She seems quite a young 12 to be honest so the friendship does work well. They usually get on -not always, they're pre teen girls after all.
But yes some of the messages are quite manipulative.

Like Professor Hannibal, I was that child. She's probably really lonely. I doubt her parents give her any attention.

I agree with pp that suggested you just have to be clear about boundaries about when she's invited round and when not. Her family probably don't care enough to show her clear boundaries or explain when it's appropriate to call round etc. It's much better than being irritated with her. She'll be used to being considered a nuisance, and probably immune to it but it'll still hurt. Being clear is being much kinder than avoiding her or eye rolling; she won't be fooled and it'll increase her sense of being rubbish.

You certainly deserve your only family time and you are being v kind having her for days out etc. She'll probably always remember that. You're doing a good thing OP.

I was a lonely child and would have loved to spend more time with friends. One lives just around the corner, but there was no way I'd have thought of doing what this child is doing, and not would my mother have let me.

I agree that direct contact between her and your DDs needs to stop. Block her number on their phones, etc.

I also think you should put consequences in place. I mean, at the moment there is no incentive to stop asking, and there's always a chance you'll say yes. I'd change this. Arrange a time for her to come round, and tell her that if she knocks in the meantime you'll rescind the invitation.

i think yanbu at all

sh sounds manipulative with your dc who are younger and prob dont know to respond

have the parents ever said thanks or asked if shes being a pest?

anyone else would

No child nags me in my house and I would have told her off. I also don't feel the need to explain myself to 12 year olds, just say no and a don't come back today. I would really tell her off for repeatedly ringing the bell too. I am not a monster, I have had kids over to my house every day this holiday, but it's my house and it runs to my schedule and my rules.

Correct me if I'm wrong, & perhaps you are not in the UK, but isn't a 12 year old nearing the end of the first year of secondary school while 10 & 9 year olds are probably in years 4&5?
My dd & her friends would not have wanted to spend so much time with younger children. There may not be a big chronological age difference here but they ought to be at quite different developmental stages. I think it is odd - not necessarily bad but definitely atypical. I don't think YABU.

Of course the OP is not being unreasonable!. She started the thread out badly though with the title. (Saying a child was stalking her family.) And this rubbed people up the wrong way I think.

I have also had issues like this in the past with friends of my 2 daughters (now young adults who have left home.) This one year, they had a girl coming over a few times a day - almost every day - for about 9 months! It drove us so mad that it was a relief when she and her family moved away to another part of town.

It was a relief to go on holiday for 10 days to Spain that summer as we knew she wasn't going to turn up at the front door several times a day! This is why I am not keen on becoming too friendly with anyone who lives within 2-3 minutes walk of me and prefer to just smile, say hi, and then go in my house.

The upshot is that this girl's parents don't give a shit about her, and I feel sorry for. It's not her fault, and the poor lass just probably wants company and someone to talk to!

However, it's not the OP's responsibility to entertain and nurture this child. And even if her kids aren''t pissed off with her, they soon will be... The OP needs to have a word with the girl and say although they like her, they can't have her around all the time as they have other things to do. And if that doesn't do the trick, then tell the parents.

The OP should not be made to feel bad about this; this girl is not her responsibility.

We had almost this exact scenario with our neighbours children. The parents spent no time with them.

Being polite did not work. I would have to be firm and say 'do not ring my doorbell more than 3 times a day' 'we are spending time as a family today, they won't be playing out today' 'you can come out with us tomorrow, but not today'

Br firm, but clearly explain so they don't have false hope and get disappointed.

She is obviously lonely, but if she doesn't learn appropriate boundaries she will never make successful friendships.

Monkey - they could be in Scotland. They move up at 12 here, so she could still be at the same school as OP's DDs.

Were in the UK. They've known eachother for a few years but never went to the same primary school.

Sounds like you're on course to sort this OP, armed with some good old Mumsnet ammunition. You can do it ! 😄

I feel your pain op. I have this very same scenario with neighbours' child who is also two years older than my DC. Also quite manipulative about sleeping over, whispering in hall and texting asking them to ask me.

If I suggest going round their house for 'a change of scene' I'm told their parents are busy so they can't at the moment

If my DC ever knock their door - although they don't often get the chance - they are kept on the doorstep and told that they'll call for them in a bit.

Last bank holiday weekend I fed her every meal from Friday evening to Monday evening - never saw the parents once. If I don't offer them tea they ask if they can go on the PlayStation to wait!

I've had enough today and this thread has strengthened my resolve to sort it out tomorrow.

I hope you do the same

Good luck Walking!

Just remember the child is innocent in this. Her parents are clearly disinterested/ neglectful (they don;t have to be junkies/ on the breadline to be crap parents) Its no wonder she doesn't how to mix well. It also isn't her fault if your children can't go to play at her house. I would be very annoyed with her parents that I'd be picking up their slack but it still isn;t the child's fault.

I'm embarrassed for you that you would describe her behaviour as stalking, however wound up you are getting. You are an adult she is no threat to you. She is just a child and she doesn't know what she is doing.

Her "nagging" behaviour is probably how she speaks at home as she seems starved of meaningful attention and doesn't know how to interact with others that well by the sounds of it.

But you could try to manage it better. She needn't be a 'cuckoo'. If you do allow her round, ask her to help you wash up or tidy up etc as she is a big girl. She might well love the positive interaction with you.

Also, sometimes kids NEED to know 'why'. Not just 'NO'. Disinterested/ neglectful parents don't bother to explain anything properly so the kid grows up confused and making social mistakes and lacking insight and empathy.

Perhaps there is a way that you can help her be a better judge of when she can come over - obviously your reason why can't be "because I am sick of the sight of you" which is how you really feel! but something that teaches her to think of how your children feel - perhaps say they are more tired because they are younger, or need to play different games because they are younger.

Of course many of the reasons given will just highlight her home's/ parents' shortcomings so is a difficult one. The concept of "family time" and considering others will not mean much to a child whose own family dont have much interest in her.

Very, very sad.

Great post sinensis.