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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We're being stalked!

194 replies

thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 18:13

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

OP posts:
ShoesHaveSouls · 31/05/2017 19:39

OP - yanbu, and we've had this. I just steeled myself and was firm "not today, sweetie, we're busy.' Better still, don't give a reason. "Sorry, not today, darling". Kind but firm. It's not mean - You are allowed to spend time with just your family.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 31/05/2017 19:40

Some of these replies are bonkers. Clearly there's some kind of competition going on to see who can be the most saintly and welcoming...

OP isn't responsible for this kid and it's pretty unpleasant that she's sending passive aggressive Whatsapp messages to try and get your two to do what she wants.

If she knocks again then is it worth answering the door and nicely but firmly walking her back to her house, knocking and speaking to one of the parents? You could say that you were worried in case nobody was home or she was locked out, due to the number of times she has been on your doorstep - which is a nice way of pointing out that she's mithering you all day.

Sprinklestar · 31/05/2017 19:40

You're not being unkind, OP. It's bordering on harassment! Now, there may be many reasons behind this behaviour and we'd all like to think we'd help a child who is genuinely at risk or in distress. BUT - doesn't the OP have a right to a quiet half term at home with her DCs? It would feel like stalking, quite frankly, if someone was constantly at the door, calling, texting and so on. Also, why should she compromise her time with her own children? Busy working parents can spend little enough time with their children as it is. If I were one of the OP's children, I'd feel a bit hard done by if I constantly had to share my mum. Having someone else there just changes the dynamic. I don't know what the solution is, OP. Block her number from your kids' phones? Tell her firmly to stop knocking? Take her home?

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 19:41

Thanks weewitch and everyone else who has been able to see things from a logical and unbiast point of view.

OP posts:
crumble82 · 31/05/2017 19:41

OP I don't though no you're being unkind, you sound fed up and I don't blame you. We were in a similar position last year, I'd pull into the driveway and my car doors would be opened for me by the 2 little girls waiting for my daughter. I started to find it a bit upsetting actually as I wanted to spend a bit of time with her too.

The girls are all a bit younger in my situation but I started to massively limit when they could come in. I never fed them and I made them tidy up after themselves. It was the last one that seemed to do the trick!! They come over occasionally now but not often enough for it to be overwhelming. Having spoken to other people in the area they are notorious for it.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2017 19:43

And the most ridiculous comment goes to AnUnhappyStudent! "Stop being mean about about families who may not be able to afford days out?" Got that one in fast, how helpful. I don't think the OP is being mean, I think she is being obserfvant of something that affects her and her family and the child.

"By not saying no earier she does appear to have brough this issue on herself to some extent." Is that how you view all situations people get 'into'. How really unhelpful!

It does sound very invasive and difficult. I would hazard a guess she is lonely but also maybe unhappy. I would hazard a guess maybe she is not really being looked after terribly well at home if she always wants to be away from it.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:44

You are not wrong OP and I can understand your situation but that of the other child. The fact that your children are slightly younger and probably by default look up to her and she probably at that age enjoys having the attention and being looked up to. If you can last it out for another year I don't think at 13 she'll be wanting to hang out with (in her eyes) a couple of 'kids'. Wink

Blomme · 31/05/2017 19:44

Perhaps you need to try a different approach?
A friend of mine uses the phrase 'family time' (bit ew, I know) to her kid's friends. So pick some days, say Mon, Wed and Friday - they're play days. The rest are family time. Sit down with all the kids and explain this. Explain separately to your kids that if they come around on days off they're to repeat it's 'family time'.
Then kids get to play, you get a break and hopefully all is well.
I do feel sorry for these kids though. Not only are they so obviously lonely, they're also learning zero socialising skills which will only exasperate the situation Sad

winefixeswhine · 31/05/2017 19:45

This would drive me nuts. Yanbu. I think you need to be kind but firm and very clear about not calling again.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:45

Op the word stalking is potentially quite triggering for people so that's probably why people are a bit upset with your use of it in the title.

OFGS grow up!! It's a legitimate word.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:46

I should add that that's to the people that are upset with it, not at you if you're not Moustache though if you are I'd refer you to my earlier post ^

NameThatPrune · 31/05/2017 19:47

I'm confused. You don't want her round knocking for your DC all the time, but then she plays with another DC and that wasn't right either?

Zucker · 31/05/2017 19:48

You may just have to just try repeating yourself until the penny drops!

Can I come in to play? No not today. No matter what she asks, if it doesn't suit. No, not today and smile. Rinse and repeat, even if you have to do it 10 times in an hour.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2017 19:50

Groupie "You sound like a nightmare." The OP has taken her in, and been kind to her. And maybe it has not occured to her that the child may be being abused. It may be the case, it may not, but no way does the OP sound like a nightmare for not wanting to do this all the time.

IF the child were being ill treated then it would be right to report it rather than keep offering temporary sanctuary.

ScarlettFreestone · 31/05/2017 19:52

I don't think that you are being either unkind or unreasonable.

However I do think you aren't being firm enough.

You need to say "no" more firmly. Not nastily just firmly enough (without apologies) that she understands you aren't going change your mind.

I wouldn't be allowing her to invite herself to dinner or lunch or sleepovers either. It's not polite. Explain that she has to wait for an invitation from you.

Basically stop feeling so guilty about saying no.

upwardsandonwards33 · 31/05/2017 19:53

Op - what are the girl's parents like? Is she the youngest in a large family and left to fend for herself, in one form or the other?
Have you had much discussion with them about this or anything?

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 19:53

I couldn't agree more greyhound

OP posts:
Carriecakes80 · 31/05/2017 19:54

I don't agree that this is stalking....to me stalking is harrassing you obsessively and in an intimidating way, does she make you feel intimidated or scared? Or just plain annoyed. Otherwise, I would have to say my four kids stalk me daily, especially when I'm on the loo or the phone!
Be nice to this kid. I do understand it can be hard work, but she will get the hint. Kids just wanna have fun, you showed her kindness and fun times, and she obviously loved it, so just be patient and explain to her kindly that its always lovely to see her but that you need to spend some family time together...xxxxx

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/05/2017 19:55

mission no its not triggering to me but lots of people mentioned they didn't like the word being used in that sense and I can imagine that if someone had been through a horrible ordeal.with a serious stalker they might think op is trivialising it (like when incredibly stupid and insensitive people refer to serious situations like rape in a jokey sense). I'm not saying I agree but I can see why people might feel.upset by the word being used lightly and I think that it's a fair reaction.

Highalert · 31/05/2017 19:57

Just because the girl wants someone to play with all the time doesn't mean she's being abused.

Bloody hell, only on MN

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 19:57

Her family seem perfectly nice. Definitely nothing untoward going on and she's perfectly well looked after. She's one of the youngest. Kind of a big blended family.

OP posts:
LazySusan11 · 31/05/2017 19:58

Yanbu! I'd block her number from dcs phone and tell her if they want to play they will come and knock for you. She's 12 she understands. You're entitled to have time with your family it's not your responsibility to look after someone else's child.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/05/2017 19:58

Op you didn't answer my question, have you tried explaining to the girls parents that you would rather she spent less time at your house?

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2017 19:59

"I don't think she has a bad home life by the way. Just not a very fun one." I am really glad to hear it is not a bad home life. I was just worried.

I think you you are getting a hard time here. Here behaviour sounds really bad. But I don't know why. If she is just very unhappy or what.

Please be firm. Not today etc. I think she is using you and your kids. She has her own agenda.

" Then she wanted me to take her to the park. I was trying to order my shopping on my phone while cleaning up after dinner. "Are we going yet" "can we go yet" Then overheard "ask your mum if I can sleep"" That all sounds quite calculating.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to get to know her parents a bit. If there is anything suspicious I'd anonymously report them. If she is just a bored child I'd put in place boundaries and slowly cut right back on visits.

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 19:59

Posted too soon.

  • But I don't think she gets alot of attention. And the only days out are to pub fun days or maybe just the pub.
OP posts:
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