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AIBU?

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Original poster

We're being stalked!

194 replies

thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 18:13

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 31/05/2017 20:00

I think the way you are talking about her is pretty unkind, but you're not saying it's to her, so it's not as though you're being nasty to her. Assuming your DC do like spending at least some time with her it sounds like you need to learn to set boundaries for her and teach your kids how to set their own. That's all.

If it's r ally a problem that she comes round as soon as you're home, tell her to wait at least half an hour (or whatever would suit) next time, and next time, if she doesn't remind her that you'd asked her not to do it and send her home. Teach your DCs to respond "not today, we're having a quite family day" or the like when they are tired of having her over. Use "Not today" and " It's time for you to had home now". Whenever it's feeling too much.

You can't change her parents, so don't take out your resentment that they don't do the things you do with your DCs on her. Just decide what works for you and stick to it. She's just being a normal 12 year old girl and will have no idea how it seems to you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/05/2017 20:02

OP, I think perhaps you have been too accommodating, she now sounds a little entitled. You need to be more assertive, when you say no, you have to mean it. How about, no, not today, but pop round for a couple of hours after lunch tomorrow. You call the shots, otherwise, the summer holidays will be difficult for you.
You're not mean at all, quite the opposite.
I think the fact that you suggested she was stalking you, has angered some people, as she's only a child.

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 20:03

I'm a bit of a wimp donttouch ConfusedConfused
I don't think I could say that to someone. I have a hard enough time saying no to a child for gods sake!!

OP posts:
Highalert · 31/05/2017 20:05

You sound very judgy of her family. Not everyone thinks it's necessary to take their kids out all the time.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2017 20:06

Ah just saw the post about a nice family. OK.

Well, I would probably just be quite blunt with her, we are busy today.

"You don't want her round knocking for your DC all the time, but then she plays with another DC and that wasn't right either?"

i can't answer for the OP but the point I took from that comment was that the girl is not that interested in the OP's kids. Maybe she is using them to see the OP (nice mum figure), get nice teas and food (maybe better or just different to what is on offer at home) and to get trips to park/out etc.

If the word 'stalking' is triggering then don't read a thread that states the word stalked. And 12 is not a little girl, it is almost a teen and the word does fit what is happening. Even if it is not scary like being staked by a male might be for a lone female, it is unpleasant for the OP.

ambereeree · 31/05/2017 20:07

It's become a crime to say a child is annoying. Feel for you OP think you need to tell her not today when she's knocking or calling.

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 20:07

I'm definitely not judgy of her family. Each to their own. Have you bothered to read the thread before posting? I tried to keep them out of it as its none of my business how others live their lives. People asked me specific questions and I answered honestly.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2017 20:08

Highalert "You sound very judgy of her family. Not everyone thinks it's necessary to take their kids out all the time." Well clearly it is necessary as the child is constantly wanting attention!

thesqueez "I'm a bit of a wimp... I have a hard enough time saying no to a child for gods sake!!"

You must learn to say no, no we are not free today, if you prefer say I am afraid we are not free today. You do not need to give a reason. A reason could be "We have plans" or "We are busy."

Just say it.

I think your kids will be quite relieved when she is around less.

yayayahey · 31/05/2017 20:09

I've sensing a slightly snotty, sneering attitude towards her family despite you saying they're lovely.

Highalert · 31/05/2017 20:09

Yes,almost a teen who doesn't need taking to the park by her family.By 12 I would think she's old enough to go out and about with her friends.

She would be better off finding friends her own age.

ScarlettFreestone · 31/05/2017 20:10

Put your big girl pants on thesqueezed and start politely and firmly saying "no".

Teach your daughters how to politely and firmly say "no".

It will be character building for you all and is vital life skill for your DDs.

Highalert · 31/05/2017 20:10

She doesnt want attention.She wants some friends.

yayayahey · 31/05/2017 20:11

And I said that before I saw your 'its none of my business how others live their lives' which to me is how people say they're being judgey but trying to act like they aren't.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 31/05/2017 20:12

I'm confused. You don't want her round knocking for your DC all the time, but then she plays with another DC and that wasn't right either?

I think the point that OP was trying to make, is that there isn't a really close friendship between this girl and her DC - that if the girl has someone else to play with then she's quite happy to leave OP's kids alone. But if she has nothing better to do then she's round constantly asking to join in.

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 20:12

However it may have come across yey that isn't how it is. They do seem nice. What do you want me to say about them. They're just my neighbours.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 31/05/2017 20:13

YABU. She is NOT stalking you.

She is a child. A CHILD! See, kids have to learn things. Nobody appears to be 'teaching' her in regards to this, do they? That's not her fault, as annoying as it may be, responsibility falls to adults who NEED to teach her and also discover if there is anything wrong.

She sounds more socially/emotionally immature than I would expect of a 12 year old with the frequency and the fact it's primary school children.

Instead of dramatising, saying she's making you all feel like prisoners Hmm and calling her a stalker, maybe you should actually, you know, do something about it?! Either involving her parents or being direct.

Again, I'll point out that she is a CHILD. Why are adults being so pathetic and being horrible, woah is me, and not actually doing anything about the situation?!

Serialweightwatcher · 31/05/2017 20:14

You were very kind to let her stay for tea and have to rearrange your plans, I wouldn't have done that - you need to be firmer with her and just say 'no, not this time - sorry but we will see you again when we can, but you need to go home now' and as regards sleepovers, just say 'we don't do sleepovers' or 'you only live across the road, so no sorry' ... needs to be done. Either she feels a bit neglected or she's spoilt to the point where she doesn't get a 'no' at home

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 20:17

Moustache I know what you're saying and understand it but it seems OTT to me! Anyone that can be triggered by a legitimate every day word may be best advised to stay offline, not read any books and not watch any TV either. But this is a thread about the OP situation and I don't want to derail it!

OP - I know you have mentioned that you feel like you can't be firm but you must. This is your home. You have a right to live there as you want. I would hate it in your situation i fully sympathise

user1492287253 · 31/05/2017 20:17

i havent needed to do this myself but a friend of mine had large squares of red and green card and neighbourhood kids were only to knock when the green card was up! it worked brilliantly for her. red card went up at dinner time, when kids already out or kids didnt want to go out or were grounded

NellieFiveBellies · 31/05/2017 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 20:18

I have managed to put a stop to the sleepovers. Last year it was averaging one a week! And that was just the ones I agreed to. I've decided to stop the sleepovers completely until we have struck a balance during the daytime.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 31/05/2017 20:18

I feel really sorry for the OP! She's come here to vent about a genuinely frustrating situation and all manner of things have been extrapolated from what she's written. Why post if you're going to be nasty and say something that is irrelevant or doesn't help? Why accuse the OP of all manner of things, and imply she's the one in the wrong for being a bit irked by a child who isn't her own constantly hounding her family? Mumsnet at its worst...

yayayahey · 31/05/2017 20:20

Why post in aibu if all you want to hear is people agreeing with you?

If you post in aibu then you have to expect some people bot to agree with you!

I love the card idea.

yayayahey · 31/05/2017 20:22

And I actually think most people agree that the behaviour of the child is unreasonable and annoying just op's wording and unwillingness to address it aside from making unpleasant comments about a child is unreasonable.

(I'm aware that reads awfully, sorry, tired.)

Original poster
thesqueezedlemon · 31/05/2017 20:24

Great ideas nellie and user I may give them a go.
It's just so hard. Her house overlooks ours. She can see us in the house. As soon as the blinds are open in the morning she's over.
As a pp said, summer will be a nightmare if I don't tackle this now. I really don't have a problem with her, just the frequency and disruption it's causing.
She's coming with us to a waterpark on Saturday. I honestly don't have a problem with her playing with the dcs. It's just got too much.

OP posts:
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