We're being stalked!

[thesqueezedlemon]

AIBU to think that the girl over the road is stalking us?

The dds have a friend who lives opposite us. Her parents don't seem to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. They're usually found -wandering- playing in the street.

Last year we took her out with us on days out to various places. The dcs enjoyed having their friend there and it wasn't a great imposition but it became more and more of a frequent request. There were lots of sleepovers and her staying for tea aswell, again which I don't mind in moderation.

Now it's the holidays, every single day so far she has knocked on the door at the same time and asked if the dcs are playing out. I really don't mind them playing out. But she expects them to play with her till it's practically their bedtime. I've been asked for sleepovers 4 times in as many days.
Whenever we go out, no where exciting, maybe just to the shops she asks to come. I've started saying no and giving various excuses.
Today I was working and the dcs went to my aunties when we all got home the girl was waiting for us in her front garden and was straight over. The same thing happened yesterday. I found myself taking the dcs to the park (I obviously didn't tell her that) just so we could spend some time together. It's just too much!

Any advice?

You are being reasonable for being annoyed. You are being unreasonable in your description of 'stalking.'

When I was 12 I spent every waking hour (and a lot of overnights) at the same friend's house. Her Mum fed me lunch and dinner most days. Whilst obviously this is wrong and unfair on her I thank god she did. I was suffering severe emotional abuse at the hands of my step mother. She wouldn't let me eat or sit down in the house unless my father was around.

Not saying this is happening here but you never know, try thinking of her a little more kindly.

Lunch in the holidays obviously, not school days. And she did this for many years.

That little girl was me in the holidays. I used to pop round to my neighbour everyday and on holidays would practically live there (she'd happily take me on trips with her kids too). Thank God she saw me for what I was, a lonely little girl, and took me in. You sound like a nightmare.

You sound like a nightmare.

wanting some time with your children doesn't make anyone a nightmare, this is ridiculous. Not everybody can afford to pay for treats for a neighbour either. I would not leave any child on the side if we go anywhere, but I wouldn't want to pay for everything all the time either.

If your children love her company that's great. Maybe it's not such a problem.

If you want to reduce or stop the visits you will have to be assertive and say "no, you can't come round today/ Lets leave it until next week" or "DD will call round when she is free to play"

you do not have to explain why. You are the adult.

You don't sound like a nightmare at all OP, people are just projecting their own emotions onto this girl. It is not your responsibility to alleviate all the loneliness in the world!

I think this little girl is unhappy and lonely. She is not stalking you, she just likes how your family makes her feel. Include her when you can and let her experience a normal family life. It may stick with her for a long time.

What else am I supposed to call it!? Notes through the door. Constant messages to their phones manipulating my dcs to go out when they don't want to. Waiting at her gate daily at the time she knows were going to arrive home. Us feeling like prisoners in our own home. Feeling the need to take my dcs our just to have some family time. One minute I've brought this on myself. The next I'm a nightmare! I agree i probably have brought this on myself. I felt sorry for her. I made her feel welcome. It stedily grew into something else. I'm definitely not a nightmare! What a stupid thing to say!

No one is saying its her responsibility! They are pointing out that she does not know why this is happening and could be a lot less mean spirited with her comments. She just needs to say no, not make assumptions and call a child unpleasant names. It appears the girl felt that she was welcome after her previous visits and who can blame her?

This sounds like a nightmare!

She's not your responsibility and you're not being mean!

Do your DCs want to play with her? How does her being there affect the dynamic? I would limit things starting now and say not tomorrow but maybe one day at the weekend. So there's something in the pipeline, iyswim

I was that little girl.

My family were shit. Alcoholic, abusive and wouldn't even talk to me unless they were shouting. I used to be by myself all day.

I made really good friends with a girl that moved to our street when I was about ten. Her mum was just amazing, she was kind, didn't shout, actually cooked food.

I was so in awe of her, I wanted her to be my Mum

She is like my adoptive Mum now I spend every Christmas at their house. I'm still best friends with her dd too.

She used to help me with my homework. Not to brag but I've done quite well for myself now, and I don't know how I would have ended up without being unofficially adopted into the family.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. Everyone who knows me knows that story and I do love telling it.

Be nice op. Maybe one day she will buy you a house

(Disclaimer: I realise not every situation is the same and I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to do extraordinarily selfless and kind as my 'mum')

it becomes quite 'wearing' when it's always your house that gets wrecked, that needs a good tidy, when it's always you who gets to scrub other kids poo off of your loo, when it's your fruit bowl/ice lollies are eaten and when somewhere, the parents of this kids are sat in their clean and tidy and peaceful house. while you do the dog work with entertaining their kid.

Can you tell we have similar, I now just say 'no, they'll call for you when they want to play' as actually, sometimes the extra kid being there makes me have to wade in to supervise my own children/make sure one of them isn't left out, rather than them play together.

I don't care if she's lonely, maybe her parents can address that? And at age 12.. she can sort her own social life out no?

I never said she wasn't welcome! She just isn't welcome every waking moment of our lives.
I had friends over yesterday the dcs told her at the front door they aren't playing out. 10 minute later she was at the back gate badgering them to let her in.

Haha jeez is this now classed as stalking when I was young 4 of us 3 sisters and me played from morning to night, I always joined the family outings , swimming etc.
We had sleepovers every weekend and holidays.
Hope they never thought I was a stalker.
Do your children enjoy it ?

I had this when one of my DCs was about that age. The girl in question was forever round at ours, having tea with us, in DDs bedroom playing etc.

I accepted it until something happened....

This girl had cycled round to ours and thrown her bike down in the drive and gone into the back garden where my DD was. Unbeknown to me. I didn't even know she was there. I needed to pop somewhere in the car, left older DSS in the house, didn't even tell the two girls I was popping out to get to the Post office urgently to make the post.

Jumped in car. Put car in reverse. Reversed out drive and ran over this girl's bike which was out of sight.

Totally couldn't help it and when her mother rang to complain I did say "I had no idea she was even here, and perhaps she could ring the doorbell next time"

The incessant visits tapered off a bit after that.

I think a lot of you are being hard on OP. Yes of course this child is lonely, and of course we all feel sorry for her. But honestly it can almost feel like stalking. I've had this with a kid up the road. He would watch out of his window waiting for us to come home, then come round immediately. He arrived on our doorstep every single day in the holidays and weekends (including Boxing Day!). He was always here. If we didn't answer the door straight away he would peer through the window, knock on the window, bang on the garage door. Informing him politely that we were busy would lead to him scootering up and down outside our house, waiting till we were available. He would shout through the letter box too.

He was about 10 at the time. I know his family - they were nice enough people, but they didn't really prioritise kids days out and activities, so he found our lives more interesting.

He has since turned against my son in the last couple of years, bullied him nastily at school, and they no longer speak.

Of course I'm aware that he was/is a sad little boy who wanted attention, but he isn't my child, and it was not fair that I should feel obliged to entertain him.

Definitely hoddtastic I spot her parents in the garden drinking while their dd is here. She's started to bring her little sister with her. The dcs came in 10 minutes ago and they've just been at the door again asking if they can play on our trampoline while they wait for my two to finish their dinner.

Believe it or not, children can survive school holidays without manufactured trips out. I also don't buy into the overpriced overcrowded and overhyped theme parks etc. Are your kids unhappy playing with her? If they are, say they won't be out today. You tell her not to phone/text. Far better playing out then inside glued to devices. I agree waiting at the gate etc is OTT, but that's kids! If she's bored on her own (notwithstanding anything going on at home) then of course she wants company! Your children aren't 'her enetertsinment' it's a child naturally wanting to play with other children.

YANBU op.

Why do people act like they are the child? Or assume she is having the same awful childhood experiences they had as children?

I had a neighbour do this. Her kid would even be here when I had a day off and my own child was in nursery. The mum was a lazy twat that would rather spend her money on fags and make up. The child was clearly lonely. But it got to the point where I'd be feeding her 3 meals a day, taking her everywhere, etc.
Im all for helping people and including them but why should anyone be put under this kind of pressure!
Yes the child is lonely. Parents need to take responsibility.

Oh dear, it sounds like they think you're their free childminder!

Do your children like her? Surely that's the most important factor?

OP you posted in AIBU which is a bearpit.

Listen to the good advice, ignore the hecklers.

I think you have to set limits. Maybe talk to her and say that she can play sometimes, but sometimes it's just family time and then she can come back another time. Make it clear she is welcome, but that sometimes you need family time alone.

If she's waiting at the gate when you come home, say "hello Clara" and then walk in. If she asks if she can play, say not now but there will be other times that she can. If you are friendly but firm, she will appreciate both the boundaries and the times that your children can/ want to play.

I think you can also say to your own children that if they don't want to play with her - they don't have to. It's really unpleasant being bounced into stuff and they too have the right to say "not now".

Well the answer to their last request OP has to be a big fact 'NO'. We had a lad who used to call to see if DS was 'playing'. It became increasingly clear that it was DS's toys that he wanted and not DS's company. I confronted him with this very question. He gave an honest answer and was shown the front door!