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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
kldw2014 · 01/06/2017 20:40

Personally I think YABU. It is difficult I know, as I have had two C- Sections, but the immediate relatives have the right to see you and the new baby during visiting hours IMO; especially if they are looking after your daughter. Your DP can help you get ready for these visits and they are very short. If you are uncomfortable for any reason, please share this in advance. This will avoid long term issues.

pop000 · 01/06/2017 20:47

@kldw2014 immediate relatives actually have zero rights and OP certainly shouldn't feel obligated to see them just because they watched DD... there's plenty of time for them to see lo at home

Myshitdontstink · 01/06/2017 20:51

It's totally up to you...with my DC1 I had planned section with complications, they let my mum and sister into HDU to see me because I asked and then that was it; everyone else had to wait a couple of days until after we were home, just state your feelings Asap x

Inertia · 01/06/2017 21:01

Of course relatives don't have the right to impose visits on a hospital in-patient!

And of course it isn't unreasonable for a new mother to want to see her own parents. I wish I could say I'm astonished at the lack of empathy for women recovering from major surgery (often with next to no chance of dignity), but it's no surprise that those who believe that childbirth is all about the paternal grandparents are out in force.

NanooCov · 01/06/2017 21:03

I wouldn't have anyone visit at the hospital. It's unnecessary and just annoying to be honest. Explain it like you did here and there shouldn't be any objections.

NanooCov · 01/06/2017 21:06

Oh and my mum is the emotionally draining fusser rather than MIL. I love her but she's exhausting so she definitely wouldn't be allowed to visit in similar circumstances.

ExPresidents · 01/06/2017 21:11

Some of these comments are absolutely nuts.

'Grin and bear it'
'They will be hurt'
'Mummy doesn't want us to see the baby'
'They have the right to see you'

Fucking hell people, it's 2017. Women are not public property. No one has the right to see a woman who has just undergone major surgery and doesn't want visitors. Why are PILs feelings being hurt more important than OPs who will have just had a major op and given birth?!?!

We all have the absolute right to choose how and when we introduce our newborns to their family. It doesn't make you selfish to want a few precious hours/days to yourselves. It makes no difference whatsoever to the baby if they meet their grandparents on day 1 or 10. It makes a big difference to some mothers. Their feelings come first. Because they have just spent 9months growing said baby and then getting it out of their body.

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 21:37

Oh bollocks, I've had 3 c/sections and was so happy to show off my babies to any family members who wanted to come and see them! I couldn't wait for my mum and dad to meet them, and in fairness, the same 'privilege' was accorded to MIL/FIL, because they were my DH's parents and it was important to him too for his parents to meet his newborn babies.

Stop being so bloody precious. Yes, this is your baby, but the child has a place in a wider family. As a sibling, I couldn't wait to get in there when my sisters' babies were born - I was actually there in the hospital when youngest sister's two were born - I was there in loco my parents!! - and guess what, she was more than happy that I was there.

If I was an IL I would be devastated that I wasn't allowed to see the new baby. It's very exciting for all the family, not just the parents! Surely to god you could at least let them see the child in the corridor for 5 minutes or something if you are so against them seeing you? I am sorry but I think it is pig ignorant to use them to mind your older child and tell them that they can't see the baby until it suits you.

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 21:41

To add - in actual fact, DS' aunt saved his life a few hours after he was born, because his sister was feeling generous enough to share her crisps with him, and she was the one who noticed and removed them from his little mouth!!!!

Also, my parents died when my children were 9, 7 and 2, and I am so glad that they were so involved in their lives for the little time we had.

MrsPoldark · 01/06/2017 21:43

When I had DD1 my mil was due to visit afternoon of day 2. In morning dr detected a heart murmur (wasn't handled well I overheard him say to 2 students this baby has a pronounced heart murmur you should be able to detect it, I was then asked if I could get her to stop crying so that each student could re-examine her). I was left sobbing, holding naked DD while the other mums were all buzzing for midwives to help me. Anyway DD was transferred to scbu for ecg and so on. I had to beg DH to put pil's off coming as I knew mil would be full on emotional rollercoaster and I needed as much calm & re-assurance as possible. She managed to wait an extra 24hrs and came in without prior arrangement with her DM in tow (because she knew if she asked the answer would be no) DD had just rejoined me on ward. First thing mil said was "we've got our girl" - DH was only child & his mum had never made secret her wish for a girl. Our relationship went downhill from then. I really wish she had respected my wishes, OP you need to explain clearly what you want and get pil's understanding anything else could be detrimental to your relationship going forward

Fishface77 · 01/06/2017 21:53

I agree with touch.
Would it kill you to let them pop
In at the tail end of introducing the DC?

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 21:55

What harm did she cause you though? There's plenty of mums upset because their parents/ILs show very little interest in their babies, and then there's this complaint about them being interested in and excited about their brand new family member!

lilypoppet · 01/06/2017 21:57

Fishface would it kill them to wait a couple of days until the mum is ready for visitors? Jeez!!!

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 21:57

My mum was there Fishface when DD1 met DD2. DD1 was 22 months old, and she couldn't have given a flying shit about the baby! Whereas my mum was able to run after her when she disappeared up the hospital corridor... only to return with... a leaflet on contraception!!! :) I remember that fondly 20 years later!!

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 21:59

Well lilly all I can say was, it would have killed me to have to wait to meet my nieces and nephews, and fortunately I didn't have to because my sisters weren't that anal about it, and like me, were happy for their family to meet the newborns!

Fishface77 · 01/06/2017 22:02

IMO lily I think people blow things out of proportion.
It's their grandchild. Part of their son and dil, of course they're excited!
Already deciding you will not want visitors strikes me as being unreasonable.
This is AIBU and people come on here to canvas opinions.
This is my opinion but the end choice is yours op. Not your DH, Mil or fil. You are the one having surgery.

lilypoppet · 01/06/2017 22:09

Perhaps you could demand to see one of them minutes after they come out of an operation !!!!!

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 22:19

Don't be silly.

Touchmybum · 01/06/2017 22:22

Nobody sees you "minutes" after a major op - you are in recovery, for starters!

lilypoppet · 01/06/2017 22:34

Exactly! So doesn't this mum deserve recovery from her c section and a little respect for her wishes?

Fishface77 · 01/06/2017 22:37

A prime example of blowing things out of proportion.
God forbid someone have a differing opinion.
Of course not minutes after but surely of your in such a state: bleeding, in pain, catheter etc you wouldn't traumatise your other DC by letting them see you like that so you will probably be somewhat recovered.

user1471545032 · 01/06/2017 22:55

I read so much stuff about how a CS is major abdominal surgery, one wouldn't be up to having visitors etc that I told my parents I didn't want to see them the day my first child was born. I saw them the second day instead, and really regretted it. I desperately wanted to show off my beautiful son. Didn't make the same mistake second time around and parents came to see the baby the day he was born.MIL lived too far away to visit on the day but if she lived locally I would have tretreated her just the same as my own parents. Why wouldn't you want some of the most important people in your child's life to see them and share all that joy and excitement straight away? CS didn't seem terribly major to me either, just my experience but it's not some horrendous ordeal that takes an age to recover from for everyone.

Loopytiles · 01/06/2017 23:04

Grin Alright Posh, I take it you love those goldenballs in laws!

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2017 23:06

My DiL had an emergency section. Her DM was going to be at the birth along with my son, but obviously couldn't in that case. She saw her DD and DGC when they went down to recovery.

The rest of the GPs and my DiL's sister visited that afternoon. CS aren't always a horror story.

And I guarantee that when you are all GPs you will feel differently and understand the strength of feeling that GPs have for their new grandchild. You may still respect the wishes of the new parents and wait but you will still feel a bit hurt.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2017 23:09

but it's no surprise that those who believe that childbirth is all about the paternal grandparents are out in force.

Who have presumably all given birth themselves...